Show alyes HISTORY OF ENGLAND caesara caesars Cae sars invasion as viewed by the humorist bt BI A BILIOUS ATTACK the rh author avoid agolda nd awk ish ih sentiment early britons only fit to act at as Ance ancestors ignoble amusements Amu sementa I 1 or I 1 this the barefooted nobility co cop I 1 i ight IBM by J B company 1 CHAPTER 1 I prom from the glad whinny of tile first unicorn down to the tip lid of tire the nineteenth ee anth century the ha history of great 1 britain brita ill has been dear to her descendants in overy every land fi neath elith every isky but to write a truthful and hoerst honest history of any country the historian hist historian ortan should that he ha may avoid and silly and mawkish sentiment reside ill hi a 0 foreign country or be so situated that lio lie may put pat on a false fal mustache find and got get away awa y as soon as ai the I 1 copies have been sent to the printers the writer of these paga though of british descent will in what lie may say guard care ally against permitting pe bitting that fact to swerve him for oue one swill moment from the tha tight right I 1 england even evan before christ as now v m as a sort of money center and thither 1 cr crt t n CROSSING WE TIM came th phoenicians Phoenicia ns find and the cartha gini givians alis f fw tt their tin thea arly britons were suitable only to wt as aside from that viry vir y had no good points they dwelt m ii mud mad hats thatched with straw they had no Oar rency and no bentila tion lio in p 1 boa boats ts wre weirs made 0 ot t w le k ork pla plastered with clay their swords were mads mad of tin tia alloyed with copper and after abriel a brief skirmish the ent entire IT 0 army aladee had blades to fall back and straighten its they also had shot spears made with a rawhide string attached so that the deadly weapon could be jerked back again to spear an enemy with one of these harpoons and then after playing him for halt half an hour or so BO to land him ax V s PLOWING 31 51 B c slid and finish hir him up with a tin sword constituted one of the most reliable toong boona peculiar to that strange people caesar first came to great britain on i account t of a bilious attack on the way across the channel a 1 violent storm came up the great emperor and cantata pal itata bei i lieveld he was drowning so that in ill an instants tune time everything throughout I 1 I 1 his whole I 1 retime recurred to I 1 are as I 1 he be went down especially lats hm breakfast i I 1 purchasing Par chasing a four in iii hand of docked unicorns and much improved ain firoved in health I 1 his he returned to rome borne agriculture had a pretty hard start among these people and where now nou the glorious glori oua fields of splendid pale and bili lowy oatmeal oa may bo be seen interspersed interi with 1 every kind of domestic and import ed fertilizer in cunning little hillocks hilloc kf just bursting forth into fragrance by the i roadside then the vr v t island was a i quaking swamp or covered by imperi forests of gigantic up which with coarse and shai glee would scamper tho nobility the he rhythm into which I 1 may I 1 now and then drop air a the plot develops author assar later on 7 inep more invasion ons on of them for taw th purpose of return III g his big team and flogging a arrid with whom lie had disagreed disagree rl relia on a former trip he ele had also ablo bought his team of the druid the druies druids were the sheriffs she riffa priests judges chiefs of police plumbers and justices of clial peacie they practically ran tho the place and no one could be 16 a druid who chuu not pass a civil service examination they believed ia human sacrifice rac and sit 0 sacrifices often gf a b bright lit spring morning could 11 hwe avil beell been seen going goin out behind the bush to sacrifice some one who disagreed with thera them on sonic some religious religions point or other tho the largely lived it in the woods in suro summer uler and in debt during the winter they worshiped hilled almost everything that had been left out overnight and i their motto was wall nel er do anything tulles you teel leil like it very ranch indeed deell caesar ar was a broad man from a religious point of vieland view and favored bringing the druids druies before the grand jury F id or uttering such sentiments as these the druies druids declared his life to be forfeit and set one of their number to settle also with him after morning services the question as a to the matter of immersion and sound money religious questions were even thou then as hotly discussed dib cussed mg as in later times and dw L ciesar bouw aaa a unicy ajor very minch for five fire days at stonehenge Stone benge there are arc still relies relics of a stone temple which the braids used d I 1 as a place of idola idolatrous trow i worship an and assassination sassi nation on giblet day people came for many miles to see sec the exercises and carry home a few cutlets of intimate friends after this rome sent over various great gnat federal appointees to soften and refine the r y a among them came general agi agricula leolla with a now new kind of seed corn com and kinduell s in his heart he taught the he but ba footed briton tog to go out oat to the amp every evening and bathe liis his chap chapped poil ind ud soil roil kissed feet and wipe them themon on the grast grass before allm taits one of the kellne ments of rome borne in this cold and barbaric clime along about the beginning of the christian 1 brie says an elderly englishman lis hinan the queen boadicea got so disgusted with the romans who earned carried on there in ill england just as they had been bee in ter the habit of doing it at home cutting up like a halloween Hallo weon pirty party iu in its junior year that she got her britons together had a steel dress made to fight in ill comfortably fort ably and not tight under the arms arm then she said 1 I Is thare ary any ar y one here who hath a m v ith hint him 9 one was soon found and fired this by bv the romans homans was regarded as an opening of hostilities her fire was returned so iiii it 11 great eagerness and victory was wen in the city of london over the romans who had taunted the queen several times with being seven years behind the beginning of the christian erd era in the matter of clothes boadicea won victories by the scow and it is said that under the besom of her wrath 70 cloo roman warriors va priors kissed the duld As she caved her seep ter in token of victory the hatpin came out of liar crown and aud wildly throb nig ing the old hot tiling thing at the roman denval genval she missed him bun full and ed her own onvil chaperon disgusted with war aud the doolan they were having at the tune she burst into tears just on the eve of a gge general victory over the romans and poisoned herself BILL NYE N B thanks ere are due tr to tho the author mr A but beiber her for tile tho uso use of his works entitled halt half hours houra with ci 0 head and ami 6 thoughts thought on shaving dead people on oll whom one has hal never called cloth kilt gilt top I 1 notice an enor art or in th tb artists work will be apparent to any one of t modi mad rate mam lisenco and especially to tho the E viz that tile the tin discovered by tile the pao ian ns lit in the torm form of cans etc forni faly havin hoving g coll coir tinned Tr fruits ftc etc this book I 1 fear ear will le be milar lily criticized criticised in england il if any inaccuracy he bo to creep in even bevc n through the 9 it la is disa to tafu fill out ant ihns trian fairly with it h one artist but nv P I 1 1 J DEATH OF BOADICEA the ie knows loo won well and thi zt S bur leorna 9 mid and rankles in bia soul where pierced the poisoned dirt dart of an english ole reyman t two wa years yeara ago the writer had of julius jul 1118 CtR Cf fisar sars invasion of 0 britain for tho the purpose of replenishing tho the roman stock i ot of umbrellas topcoats and loydi cs is tin ILI tho the clergyman clergy roan i said eald politely but very firmly that england then had no topcoats or umbrellas the writer would nut not have cared had bad there thevenot the not been others B N I 1 |