OCR Text |
Show I Going Broke as an Institution By JACK ROYLE Going broke is an institution. It trots in the same class as M the Magna Cliarta, the Right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happi-M happi-M ncss and the other institutions for which our ancestors fought, bled H and died. Going broke is also in. the Death and Taxes class. All M do not go broke from the same cause or for similar amounts, but H nearly everyone goes broke sometime, somewhere, somehow. Some H . go broke for a million and some go broke for a meal. There are H those whom fifty thousand would relieve of pressing need and there H are those to whom a quarter with which to obtain a place of repose H invaded by none but insect enemies assumes elephantine propor-H propor-H tions visible nowhere outside Gulliver's Travels or a Plum Alley hop joint. Irrespective of the amount involved it is sure that those who H have absorbed their youthful nourishment by means of the tra-M tra-M dtt'oiial silver spoon and those who have obtained the same by H judicious sparring with the Dago fruit peddler on the corner, arc M equally liable to go broke. H With it going broke has as a running mate that sensation best H described in the words of our old college chum J. Pope, "Hope M springs eternal in the human breast." And J. maintained his reputa- M tion as a philologian of the first water when he said "springs." M Did you ever sec a broke man who would not jump at a chance? H ere the pace of going brake's record trials not regulated by H H'r afoT!icsai1 nimi' '"ate, the water fronts of New York, Oshkosh H is., Kearney, Neb., Waycross, Ga., and our other sea ports would M be surrounded by a chevcaux dc fric.c of broke ones, their eyes M despairingly fixed on the oily bubbles made by their predecessors, M swinging their arms and shouting in unison as they prepared to M jump, "Here goes nothing." But given a loop hole of escape by the little joker of hope in M the otherwise iron clad contract of going broke the victims meet the institution unabashed. Whether the collision involve the wreckage of the humble apple M cart or the lordly and expensive motor car the occupants of the H vehicles meet the misfortune in much the same manner. No sooner M lias the danger of explosion been removed by adequate profanity H than the driver begins to search the tool kit of his mind for means M of repair and seldom does the unfortunate one fail to find some M n,ca"?. offat lcast removing the debris from the right of way H J he following sketches would seem to bear out the foregoing H statements If they appear not to do so you have only to wait and H test them by your own experience. If you have not gone broke H you will. 1 here is, therefore, nothing concealed within the sleeve. H THE MINING MAN. Steadfastly refusing to sell and encouraged by a fine surface H showing the mining man has followed the ledge on a prospect M located by him to the limit of both cash and credit when he discovers H that the values do not extend to depth. lie examines a sample H from the shaft bottom. 1 I 4, "S?- a traCC and ? lho"Sbi tllis was going to be a mine. Why, H that Chicago crowd just begged me to sell it to 'em for thirty H thousand and a hundred thousand shares of stock before I'd done H tl,c loct work. When I got the idea that my brain showed even a trace of common sense I must have salted the sample myself. H No trip to Los Angeles this winter. No fishing at Catalina. No automobile. And the stuff in the bottles with the yellow labels I mine rJ'ri If1" 'C "Thc L"rc of thc Desert" for H mine I d like to hire some of those eastern guys who write about m the desert into following a burro for about three weeks. I , i i "yYay SCt ri,(.lof .t,,c fellow who wants to put my picture I conies limZX Ty-hfC 'V1" 7ro'"t Nevada' Millionaires," H copies ?100 each. 1 hmgs might be worse. I was just as broke as I am now when I located this joke six months ago! I just bought m a new pair of boots and I held out two burros. That's enough fu - a,'y S? I' aer. I can get a grub stake and if I don't find a mine 1 11 get back my appetite for sou- belly and sour dough bread any about itn!:''1 P,H ' H THE BOOK MAKER. 90fJS nf nkiC hff enamored of his own wisdom, has laid against H f. Davc-)' Jo inson's money Roscbcn. Roseben turns into the stretch six lengths in front of u,c field and the bookie climbs H down from his stool on the lawn. "Another boob with a burnt up bank roll. That man Johnson is worse than an elevator for lettin' you down. Thank God I got keys to jingle. It's me off thc block again and the brougham won't wait at the stage door for Bertie Bright Eyes after tonight. O'coursc I stake her to all them DcBcers shiners she flashes but those past performance stunts don't do Bertie a bit of good. You got to keep comin'. I'm thc guy that's hep to that all right. She'll be shakin' her feet after a live one by tomorrow night. I suppose it's me back to writin' sheet again. What else can you expect when a square guy tries to make a round book. If only 1 hadn't stood that big tap on Roscbcn Aw, nix with that. The kale has went and thc carriages are coming back from the cemetery. ceme-tery. But about that writin' sheet. Little Johnnie Openface won't be it. I can shoo the auto off onto some come on for three thou., and the ' flat ought to bring seven hundred. Then I can make that Dutch barber who owns thc shop at the hotel for two thou anyway. He's bugs to be a bookie. George and Little Joe and some of the rest of the gang ought to stand for a touch and if I play 'cm close maybe I can get on the perch again before thc Saratoga meeting. Those fellows ought i to come through. They've all been broke themselves and know how ' it feels." THE CLERK. On reaching the office the clerk finds a communication from thc j firm upon his desk announcing that on account of thc financial string- ' encj- his services will be dispensed with indefinitely. "These arc certainly thc happy days not! That note will make ' a great little ornament for me to hang over the bureau in my room-that room-that is, as long as I have a room. And me with only $7.80 coming, $10 due on my new spring suit and room rent not paid. The man that invented poverty ought to invent an air ship and go up in it himself. 1 11 bet I can lick him. That Iandlandy of mine is the coldest proposition proposi-tion in the world, too. She ought to run a training school for arctic J explorers. I can feel the icicles forming on me now when I think of 1 what she'll do to me when I hand her thc hard luck tale. No Orpheum i for Sadie and me this week, and that'll just tickle her to death I don't think I 11 make a great hit with Sadie when she sees me sitting out- 1 side the Volunteer's Shelter with thc rest of the Down and Out Club. ! Well, there are other jobs. I don't know where, but it's up to I me to find one all right. If 1 can't be a clerk, I'll be a collector. 1 Hat 11 be a great job for me. I've had lots of experience with collcc- t.ii , C bc a colIcctor 1,11 sell patent medicine and if that don't ! go 1 11 kill a Greek and take his job away from him. Thank goodness I . J. Moran is going to tear up some more streets. There's one consolation con-solation If a man can't get his laundry out of hock, there's no law against his having a sore throat." THE NEWSBOYS. After selling his papers the newsic engages in a strenuous game of craps and Fortune fails to respond to the earnest conversation which he addresses to thc bones. He is favtcd for his last dime and snoots. i 'IS01!10 4 ,nc a scven ! Shot cral)S- Nw what do you know about dat. Them was me own dice. too. Dis sportin' life is hell. One (lay yousc is hvin easy an' dc next yer stommick thinks ver throat') cut. 1 pounds mc ear on no bed at dc Boy's club dis eveiiin', an' no-body no-body aint asked me t' cat mcsclf t' death at their expense. What cits me goat is where Fm goin' to get a stake for mc mornin' poipers. Dc guys m dis man s burg is gettin' tighter every minute. Even dc souses don't fall fcr no hard luck story no more. Dc last sound I tackles, I weeps plenty and what d' you think dat guy done! Come through? Nix. He says, 'Friend, I'll put in wit yousc,' and he weeps worse dan me. Gee, them hambcrgcrs do smell fine It' a crime to let a smell like dat out on de street. Well, dis don't git me noth.n Here s where I touches Needle Annie fcr a dime. If dc hop is woikm right I gits it. Den I'll go up to dc theatre and hold somebody some-body s automobile while dcy waits. If de woist comes t' de woist I knows where dere is some brass what ain't nailed down, and deni junk men never sleeps. I sees about de full dinner can in dc poipers. Maybe I kin glaum one when nobody's lookin'." !' ' EXCURSIONS EAST. n,wl feiSTl,Aft Sr' aml 15th- via 0rcRon Short Line Z r?t VERLAND ROUTE. Greatly reduced rates to Omaha. Kan- ? : October 31st' thCr aSteni PintS- TickcS limitcd j |