Show rr N Sn While Walter Winchell Is tern ter away from New York hIs column is being conducted by guest contributors By HARRY Radio Story Teller and Column Columnist t Value of a painting often depends depend on whose nail It hangs from None of these celebrities h have ve played vaudeville so 0 there IS little danger that their hale masterpieces are on tJ e Berle Jessel II Here ere lire are some favorite jokes Joke of famous pea pea- pw pie AL SMITH SMITHA A citizen attended his ros first political political cal jamboree He wasn t there long before somebody copped his watch He reported It to the dIstrIct leader who whIspered Next to which guy was you last Victim pointed to a fellow m in the center Just don t say and it n 11 be O 0 h 1 In a few minutes the lead leader leader er handed the watch over to its owner What dud dId he say asked the grateful man Sh h h quiet he don t know I got It it MAYOR LA GUARDIA Tells thIs one on himself T Two 0 SovIet representatives ar arrIved arrived rIved at CIty Hall Instead of the expected and accepted costumes of Stal rotes they wore hIgh hats etc They looked at LaGuardIa m in baggy and all he could say was Gentlemen I represent the Proletariat FANNIE fURST DUnsT A dapper fellow walked into n a bak cry and ordered a specIal cake I want it 55 inches In nine dIameter seven layers colored frostings In Inthe Inthe the center I want my initials R N NI NI I want It as soon as poss ble I 1 n ll have it for you in a week eek was the answer On the appointed day he called Inspected the cake It sn t exactly the way I want it- it change the yellow frosting to d dOn dOn On the second inspection the fellow was delighted Perfect Perfect-perfect Where shall I send It sIr No place Ill place place-I 11 eat it here BERNARD DERNARD SHAW When LIOnel Barrymore was scheduled to appear In Macbeth there was much doubt among New NewYork NewYork York ticket brokers whether to bUy In before the opening McBride was the leading broker All the specs specs were on hand for the pre pre- premIer premier mIer Lionel floundered through the part Then came the big moment moment- hIs shout Lay On MacDuff I Came the answer rom from the rear of the house Lay on JIM I FARLEY Joe Louis LoUls In the Polo Grounds finished an opponent m in a few sec seconds ends of the first round After the victim got in his dressing room he didn t say a word word-he was still out He dressed and his manager escort escorted escorted ed him hiro to the street It was rain raining raining ing The pug put out hIS hand and moaned Gee thus thIS wIll hurt the gate receIpts Oh cracked the manager I forgot to tell lell you the light fight was called off JIMMY IY V WALKER ALKER A hillbilly called on a g rl for a year Finally her father flagged rom him Time I asked you somethIng are your intentions to roy my daugh daughter daughter ter honorable or dIshonorable You mean I have a choIce quer ted led the h hillbilly ILKA CHASE CRASE A young rad cal refused to work IDs His old man let h m have it F ne why bum don t y ou go to work and make some money rooney Aha I ro m glad you brought that up It ll 11 come the on and we ll II have a Utopia Utopia- we won t need the money But why don t you go to work and make 50 when hen it comes the tics then you can help them WIth it suppose Aha it don t come the then revolution I m stuck WIth 50 MARC CONNOLLY When Caesar tried to take Ireland he was repulsed by Clancy and Fm Caesar returned WIth more legIOns again was pushed back Julius was now really road mad He gath gathered gathered ered the full might of his bis armies and navies and started for Ireland again This time Clancy and Fin Finnegan Finnegan were careless Sitting on a raft they were surrounded cap cap- captured after a terrible struggle and brought to the Forum as captives Caesar threw the paIr Into the arena against gladIators Clancy and Finnegan mowed them thero down Cae Cae- Caesar ear sar burned He ordered them to ta fight 2 lions This day the crowd really turned out As Caesar and his retinue entered the arena Clancy pointed See that beautiful blonde with Caesar Well Well this rooming morning she looked at me and just then there was a mighty roar Sorry Finnegan here come the lions Ill lions lions-I 1 have to tell you the rest real later PRESIDENT ROOSEVELT Ailing gentleman ambled into a doctor s office I m having trou trouble ble be WIth roy my eyesIght and hearing Are you a drinking man Yes doctor That stop sit s stop it-stop drinking at once report to me in a month A month later he reported Doc DocI t I still have bave trouble wIth roy my eyesIght and hearing DId you stop drink drinking lug ing a as I told you Nope what I ye va been drink ng is so 50 much better than what I ye ve been seeing and hearing lately I decided to keep it upi |