Show Tonic for Tired Business Men By BOB BURDETTE SONNETS OP OF THE B The B-The The Foreman Press Room Boom The They all an keep losing time until the crash Of pressroom makes It all an up In the final da dash h. h The Thc foreman In all ca cases es has to swing Ing The paper to the street In time to wing wins The trains that fling It Jl In the tho pouch Oer O'er station platforms where the agents V crouch Waiting to pick up news new of the great world Unknown to those far pI places V till quick hurled V The news filled sheet Tells them of politics of drought and h heat V He holds the lever read ready nerves all taut While the old clock marks time Th papers paper's ea caught All read ready read Let er go got gol The Thc wheels heels turn slow slow slow- Then soon the great news tide Ude begins to flow ONE ON HER I J. J f fi The New Nev lork World gets oft orr the following fol fol- folt t t lowing good one at the expense of ot modern modem modern mod mod- em ern mermaids do you Ou know how to swim Swim Yh Why I never heard of that step CAMPAIGN PLEDGE V WANTED ANTED What do the suffragettes think of ot the Bowdle bill which would Impose an annual annual annual an an- nual tn tax of 25 23 per cent on the Income of any American heiress who marries a titled foreigner asked the Wheel Horse at ot the Part Party today Ladles dont don't all speak peak simultaneously V NIX ON DE ROUGH BOUGH STUFF Quit on Mexico Aint she got gotto gotto gotto to get bet beta a new ne' president soon RETRIBUTION But wh why did you rou give me a plugged quarter sir demanded the waiter walter Well cU wasn't th thO soup doped queried the Famished hed Guest CONSERVATIVE When hen m my m ship comes in Ill I'll know she's safe ufe For I aint no deep sea flea ea fool For I bought a canal boat when I sailed called And nd I J ride the tho towpath path mule NOT GUIL GUILTY That strike of ot the ball players players' organization organization organ organ- was as one of the strikes ee the tho umpires urn urn- pires did not call calt You cant can't blame U. U R. R Out for or that CORN ON THE E EAR Oh Oh were we're all aU getting ready for or the great bl big fe feed And were we're all looking happy as the boys bos 1 give heed To the news nes that's breaking on the tho corn crops crop's size And well we'll all eat at steady till Ull it 11 hits our eyes And well we'll hand the medal for the greatest strength To the man who cats eats them to his own on full length V NO NATURE P FAKIR Many a a. politician seeking to get gel a 8 1 ro- ro nomination to office would like to get Jel a hunch from the tho humble mosquito n as us to h how w that plucky bird gets get Into a house that's fly screened from filter to flower bed bcd DE SUN DO MOVE Wonder Vonder what hat old General Taylor Fighting Zachary would think of ot this Me Mexican war with the na naval nal l equipment Including monster r with Ith I guns that would have e picked his toys I I up out of ot the tho water and spanked em hull down on the horizon and with wireless to speak back home and rapid fire death dealers that poured a st steady ady stream of oC lead lend into th tho opposition What Vhal would th lh old man do It if he saw sawall all these new tangled things BIG CREDIT HOUSEAs HOUSE V As he entered them dim portals a joyous jO- jO ous voice acclaimed to his cauliflower ear Yer moneys money's no good here vh Where re was as he In he-In In a palace No in Jail CAUSE AND AD EFFECT Book They Book They say sa a Mushy Stuff grinds out outa a 11 novel every month Worm They Porm Thoy read like it NEW SCHEDULE NEEDED What the country really wants to see lee lees Is s a NEW Haven NEEDED A SIEVE Well Cy Cr what hat do you ou think of our show last night inquired the tho genial manager of or Flossy of or the Ribbon Counter drama drame Wall I think on one o them eu eugenIc eugenic eu- eu fellers tellers orter have o helped on th chorus replied the prominent citizen of HIST I A DOODLE I IThe The telegraph editor sent in this contrIbution contribution con con- which is 13 a classic Nothing excites excite our ordinary 1 calm as much as aa a n. prospective French duel Looks like were we're going to havo another one So give us elbow room while we make the necessary preparations M SM L Maitre has said some harsh things about M M. Caillaux during the trial of the latter's latter wife VUe for one ono of It our set M. set M. M Calmette of tho Fi Ft- Ft garo Just the same wo we dont don't sympathize with Editor any too much He was too serious If It he had stuck to his Tired Tonic he would bo be among the quick that's the existent and he ho could have enjoyed the merry game of dodging the bill collector along with the rest ot of us But returning to tho the subject of oC French doodles not poodles we e prefer to call these bloodless things soft sort names lots lot's g get t busy with the plans This one must needs leeds be he a hot affair M. M I. I Maitre Chenu has accepted tho the entire entire entire en en- tire personal responsibility for certain re remarks ro- ro marks and that means mans responsibility for protecting his cuticle We can ron imagine no more beautiful sight than the Chantilly Chan- Chan till tilly forest in tho the dead of or night rather the birth of ot dawn The Tho principals stand fearlessly with bared wrist ready to valIantly valiantly val val- suffer a a. slap thereon Gab Gaby Deslys shall dance the tho grizzy hear bear and Lo Ie Comte de 1 shall recite that classic epic The Bat Edmond Rostand Rosland Ros ROB tand land can be in charge of the chicken squad and do his Chanticleer morning crow Hand Handy and on the thc minute M M. Brieux pronouncing his name r Br-r-r-r all the more cause Its It's cold on French mornings shall have ha a eugenic squad to prevent pre an any septic n. n But the weapons Dont Don't go away until describe the Rhy- Rhy we wee as elite Bill would Fa say ray The principals shall mark off oft at twenty paces pace and fire cream puffs SIx ounce napoleons or eclairs are barred UP Coats a buttons pop Straw hats busted gallus drop Huerta HuelLa U. U S. S Nix This is only politics CALL LONG DISTANCE V The Cleveland Plain Flain Dealer says as a's Bulls killed a couple of ot their tormentors In the Madrid bull ring Sunday Bully for the bulls Veil Well the they should have havo tied their bull outside WIN VIN THE RAG SURE I INow Now that thai the strike of the Pla Players Players' ers Brotherhood has haR broken out tho National Z and V American leagues leagues' stars tars threaten to walk out we know why Pocatello would not stand for for having tho the Murray team passed over o to them says sas the telegraph editor They will pick out th the following lineup for tor their next years year's e ITs a association asso sQ- sQ dation team and will they win the gonfalon gonfalon gon gon- falon aba Will wm they Well read youth and draw your our own con conclusion T Ty h Cobb left field Trl Speaker center Jo Mo Jackson right Home Run Baker third base Eddie Collins second Hal Hili Chase first Hans Wagner Vagner shortstop Lapp Bresnahan Meyers catchers catcher Walter Wal Wal- tel ler Johnson Plank Bender Marquard l pitchers AGAIN No Xo vote no ren rents all all right Miss But who gives a whoop about v vatin Un when th landlord fires V you OU out ORDERED BY A BRIDE I Maam aam heros hero's a man at the door with witha with witha a parcel for or you What Phat Is It Bridget Its a fish maam ma'am and Its It's marked C C. O. O D D. Then make the man take It straIt straight back to the dealer I ordered trout Kansas City Star THE TOO CALM PUBLIC PUBLIO Senator La J. J Folletto was talking about corruption The public Is to blame for tor thin this con up tion he said The public accepts the corruption In politics and finance too calmly The rhe public In fact reminds me meIn meIn mein In this connection of the old lady An old lady sat fat knitting In her arm- arm hair when a young youns girl burst In on her Oh grandma she f said bald father has Just fallen o oft orr tho the I know my child the old lady answered answered an an- placidly I 1 saw him him pass the win win- dow do Philadelphia Bulletin BLAMED STRANGE Aint It strange commented the injured in- in In Injured Injured In- In Party wiping off his coat looking at his torn pants pants' leg Ig and trying trIng to bulge his straw hat Into shape a again aln so that he could walk as aa far Car as 88 tho the n nearest arest cf cigar ar storo store without being arrested Aint it stran strange o that a n chap on the vaudeville circuit circuit cir cir- cir cir- cult can get round ones ever every year for doing that little turn and that when I 1 do it It it costs me mc Just for a new ha hat hat it tE AN AUTO HARP PETE The Inventor of pianos auto-pianos Is dead dMd Well heres here's betting the harp auto is In fashion on the Streets of or Gold now nosy TOO CHROME Times TImos change comments the PhiladelphIa Philadelphia Philadelphia Phila Phila- delphia Bulletin Bulle Wo We can remember when It was swagger to show gold tooth But It was never nover proper to show a yellow ellow streak SOME CLASSY SPEED The great race will not be between een American and British yachts a but between mortgage on the home hom and the gasoline bill of ot the Average Citizen GOOD FOR NERVES M My I modest friend expostulated the Good Fellow what wha t you OU Oti need for your nerves nef Is to bu buy an automobile Then you OU can toot your own horn SAVE PROPERTY NOT LIFE The Washington Star says fays that Newport's Newport's New New- Newport's ports port's policemen's habit of standing In front of or the camera when s society Is photographed ma may be rc resented some time But possibly it is to save e the lens PASS THE EATS Everybody is asking II now 0 After Alter Huerta Huer- Huer ta what Well the chile con earns carne marl market et doesn't seem see to give a whoop LOOK AGAIN Why In the name of art do t thy they call that thal awkward pose so 80 stylish nowadays the Venus slouch louch Venus was as no slouch nt my boy GOOD WORK 1 Sa Says s 's the Nashville Banner Lets start It right Its It's Car ba ON VACATION O 0 The newspaper readers reader's a happy happ roan man manTho The The Tho happiest st man alan you ever saw For no longer his tired eyes will have to scan n The news nesa of Miss Nesbit and Harry Thaw MORE TO THE POINT The l Journal Journel banters Its Us readers saying that probably most o of them bern cant can't remember what the street ca car conductor looked like on their car this morning That's not the question Did DU that keen e eyed ed gentleman man recognize th the theold theold old transfer you OU handed him |