| Show y l I Lauder Refutes Mean Stories Told J J i 9 By SIR HARRY LAUDER What gets me wondering is why when theres there's a story to be told about t a a. a mean man they always ays manage manae to tell it about a Scotsman As often as not they tell It about me ME MENow Now theres there's mean men every- every where I ha have e traveled in man many parts of the world and encountered scores of them but no matter where it is is in Africa Australia Australla America Its It's the same A mean story al always always always al- al ways starts with Have Hav you heard the story of the Scotsman or quite as frequently Have you lou ou heard heald the latest one about Harry Harry Lauder Mind you a whole lot of ot these stories are good ones well worth telling and retelling and many of ot them are blessed with the brevity that Is the soul of ot wit Heres Here's an example How much whisky can a Scotsman drink The answer ver is decidedly pointed Any given quantity Naturally a lot lotof lotof lotof of the Scots stories combine meanness and golf as their subject matter Heres Here's two such samp sampes es TWO GOLF STORIES A Scots golfer approached a caddie caddie caddie cad cad- die and inquired Are you good at finding lost balls The ThC caddie was most emphatic in his reply Sure I am he said Then instructed instructed in instructed in- in the Scot find one and well we'll start The other is isery very ery similar A Scotsman was a lI member of a golf goIt club but his fellow members hadn't seen him for a week oj or two happened to MacPherson latel lately asked one of them you jou he heard rd came the reply re i-c- i p ply Hes given up golf Given civen up golf golf said the other in astonishment aston aston- Why he was as most en enthusiastic en- en What happened The explanation of Macs Mac's desertion desertion desertion deser deser- tion of at the game was crisp and concise enough in all conscience Hes lies lost his ball I it was ex ox- Now it If either of these stories ere iere ere told about say an American they would lose their point and be just about meaningless But because because be be- cause of the Scots' Scots reputation for tor thriftiness they are aie sate as laugh- laugh getters A story they tell In America re relates relates re- re lates to a man who was so averse a from parting with the that it took him five e hours to buy a railroad ticket at a New York elevated elevated ele ee station because he kept on ongoing ongoing ongoing going back to the end of ot the queue so as to hold on to his money as long as e Of Ot course when they tell that story they say the theman theman theman man was a Scotsman He lie wasn't I happen to know the inside facts He was a Spaniard d a and every even time the ticket agent tol told V him the fare in cents he gave up his place in the queue to to work it out ut in onions This actually happened in the bar bai barat barf of at f a London music hall A party of ot convivial friends w were ere doing well when it was was wag noticed noticed noticed no no- that one me of them wasn't putting putting putting put ting his hand down as was considered considered considered con con- only right and proper The position was getting g decidedly tense when the mean nean man turned to one of his pals and Inquired What are you drinking Mines Basney answered the other promptly This Al orth orth Im I'm drinking isn't too good complained Mr Stingy I think Ill I'll u try one of ot these Then he called the barmaid over One bottle of Basney he ordered I have heard this story retold since it actually happened and and and- need I sa say it it the it-the the the mean man has been converted into a Scot As a matter of fact he was a a cockney and his hs were dropping round him in rich profusion SCOT AND THE JEW Heres Here's s one Ive I've heard told about myself and some mythical Hebrew actor We Ve are alleged to have been traveling together at night In an automobile in America Amerl a when sudden sud sud- den deny y we w were ere held up by bandits bandit's who leveling pistols at our heads demanded Your money or your jour life Ufe Says Lauder so goes the story stor Abe Heres Here's the 25 25 I Ito to lend you jou ou Absurd isn't It If Fancy a Scot lending a Jew money The idea is just as ridiculous as the vice Alee versa would be Sometimes the Scot in the stor story is allowed to score For instance a a. Scotsman Was as in a bar which was full of Jews So the Scot lifted his small glass of beer Leer and toasted them Heres to the Jews he said Theres where I work and andI I w wish vish ish there were tw twice ice as man many The he Jews were delighted and Sandy partook of their hospitality and they would not hot allow him to drink anything but double Scotches time after time Where do you work at length asked one of the Jews and Sandy voiced the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth Im Ini a grave digger he said at the Jewish cemetery Heres Here's a story showing how a Scot scored off oft a Sassenach that's to say sayan an Englishman The Scot was a butcher and the Englishman entered his shop and ordered a sheep's head The butcher called down to his assistant in the cellar cellai Alick bring bring- up a sheep's head Then the Englishman English English- man chimed chime in I I w want ant an Eng English sheep's sheep s head he explained And the butcher shouted down downto to the cellar again Alick he instructed instructed m in- in take the brains ou out of it It COMEDIAN NOT ANNOYED Another A num number er of Englishmen ha had found a Scot in their company compan somewhat exasperating because h he insisted on on claiming as fellow countrymen countrymen coun count of his own almost every great man whose hose name cropped u uIn up In the course couise of conversation What about Shakespeare demanded demanded de de- de- de one of them Youre n no- no nt t going to tell us tl that at he was a aScots Scots man are aie you And tile the Scot agreed that h he be w wasn't But mind you he added judging by the conspicuous ability o 0 the man one might arnost b be justified in assuming that he was So you vou see there are aie good Scottish Scottish Scot Scot- tish stories other than mean ones but I suppose that like the poor the mean story will be always with us Folk Jolk ask me sometimes If I donat dont don't at tin times get thoroughly annoy annoyed a amy at my name being so often tacked o Oil oh to these mean stories Hone Honestly 1 dont don't To the reckless spendthrift the sensible common-sensible man who wh looks after what hes he's got and puts put a bit away avay In the stocking for th the inevitable rainy day is labeled mean Theres There's mean meau men lI really mean men ever everywhere where Ive I've me met them in all parts of the world a as Ive I've said and Ive I've found them o of every nationally nationality But I r consider that tha the tho meanest of all mean men is th the man who ells a a. funny stor story about abou meanness and labels or should i It be libels another m man mar 31 averring ho Ito is the person the stor story is about He lie i think Is the meanest man I know |
