Show I I J < J < OHN HENRY a Y ON GREAT MEN c By HUGH McHUGH 1 V HOBART 4 C J 9 < rl e I o > I I All with Their Lips Puckered Up I r 1 iptter is one of the gamest aj wka of humanity that ever Be world la the eye but when Jlthe edict put forth by Dr old man went overboard with MA > MAni under water a long time thought the Bogey Man had him PE Gt re reI Peter felt that it would not t be possible for him to pass a are without some young fellow out with a handkerchief full porolorm and yelling Hero jjj chestnut heres where you get lesignl I the nose Ivtmet the dark watches of the night Lpeler used to wake up covered constl Isold perspiration because he had itetoi M that DOR Osler was pounding lathe fa the bald spot with a baseball urai litr having poured hair dye all I ti breakfast food it I Uncle Peter got so nervous ired him to write to the doctor illn If he wont commute your ae because you live In the coun IBJ are a commuter I suggested i doctor replied to Uncle Peter 1R1 and I will try to translate his terse born Johns Hopkins Into pure i us near as I can remember Johns Hopkins ToDay j Uncle Peter When I cut iyl tilth the observation that men wd junta at 40 and raussmlttlm at kept I several exceptions up my i Ne tuceptlons include you Uncle d and myself also t mid not apply Inyour case Peter because I have known you unlived together In Baltimore moons ago ana I realize that lan i have only Improved you Peter and that today you are a shine than you ever were pare point about my observation erl A seems to have escaped the eyes er general public but which you jit so delicately In your letter B Peter will be found In the beau Ji rods of the poet who says IBme advertisement now and then ctioa lieeded by the greatest men nt mention it Uncle Peter for ill 1 tell you Is confidential but do Jhow that my little bunch of re which cost me nothing anyway eov a I was Invited to the banquet math ten me more widespread ad tenent than Andy Carnegie cane can-e t ItoU public libraries oreD jta know Uncle Peter there is it 5 In the world so easy to make I up on Its hind legs as the gent gen-t io a pjobllc if you just go after It right tbs Put the trick is Uncle Peter to Irtat to say and when to say it Rtor M at my case and then tell me teak hasnt up to me to emit LOD k a rave nor ere I was just about to leave my vcre land to go to Oxford and be nlDula the 1 squeegee professor In thee Je the-e Factory and be all swal e of iJn the London tog but no lamed to miss mo before I went ee t din began i to feel lost lonely and for I i like a vice president of the States I en came the banquet Uncle Al wd like a flash the inspiration to me and I arose In my seat laid Ladies and gentlemen rfll J M M 1r1n stn a ua or r t Non spa f dun 1 I r tua T ru it its s p U 1111 I I I I o Ili 1 I l i j a Handkerchief Full of Ghvt ofonn J It I Jan reaches the age of 40 ho fchomhaIPenor and after ho it t the ago ° f C ° h ° Is ft deed taad > Its the woods for his fiery the result Uncle Peter r man In tho world felt that 18 his Personal lusult 17 man over 40 listened to what v and began to yell for the policeD police-D t old bee mider 40 realized that bo over 40 B ° ra < s day so fci 1 fa to lOOk for a rock to throe at 0 I i L had them > going and coming Then the newspapers heard about It and where formerly III l their col umns was nothing but dull and harm less war news my picture began to blossom forth like the flowers that bloom In the spring tra lal Pretty soon Uncle Peter every man woman nnd child In the world began to know me and I couldnt walk out In the public streets without be ing snapshotted or bowed to or barked at according to the age of those present Of course we all know Uncle Peter that my theory has wormholes all over It but didnt I make good Wo do not need a book of history to tell us that Julius Caesar was over 40 before he ever saw the base of Pompeys statue that Brutus and Cas sius were over 40 before they saw a chanco to carve their Initials on I P I l 1 rlJ Jl I I i When I Was a Hero Caesars wishbone that Cleopatra was over 40 before she saw snakes that Carrie Nation was over 40 before she could hatchet a barroom and put the boots to the rum demon that Mrs Chadwlck was over 40 before she opened a bank account that Jonah Vas over 40 before ho saw a whale that President Roosevelt was over 40 before ho saw a selffolding lion that I Kuropatkln was over 40 before he learned to make five retreats grow where only ono retreat grew before that George Washington was over 40 before ho was struck with the idea of making Valley Forge a winter resort and so forth and so forth world without with-out end But these suggestions only prove the rule Uncle Peter and the rule Is thtoSome Some advertisement now and then Is relished by the greatest men Dont worry Uncle Peter because you are getting to be a haswas You may uo sometHing in your ou age which will make people think less of you than they do now you never can tell With these few words I will leave you Uncle Peter wishing you as much age In the future as you have had in the past Yours with love WILLIAM OSI RAfter R-After getting this letter Uncle Peter began to breathe easier and two days later he was quito able to resist the desire to crawl under the bed overtime over-time a bottle of soothing syrup arrived ar-rived from the drug store Undo Peter got very gay the day after Admiral Togo won thP battle of the Sea of Japan Fifteen minutes after the last Russian Rus-sian battleship had been clapped on tho crosstrees Uncle Peter bad a letter let-ter written to Toga I am going to show you a copy of It If I get pinched in the net Now York This Morning To Admiral William Duffy Togo the J n arose Prnnkcrfack ap Dear Toglo Please forgive me for writing you these few lines but I have been through several wars myself and It is for I have witnessed how easy n hero to take the wrong roarl and walk unexpectedly into the cold storage stor-age department of the publics estimation esti-mation That Is the reason I wish to OU a few points on tho etiquette give you whicho a give a hero which I have studied from observation In this country Brave TogleWhen you get home Yokohama or Communl In Tokio or or wherever it Is keep the face paw especially In the regIon closed more Ii of the mouth because the moment speak somebody will begins to hero misconstrue what ho says and get him talking Politic when he only meant < hearty to say Clever Drink ToglcDont ever talk wn ambitious reporter unless you have an Bad a the face A baseball mask over ii 1U0000ulto blt1luSQ netting over the vocabu IIr1 If the you only say to him flows health 7 you will find In the morn lug paper n column interview In Which yon have decided 10 run for mikado on thQ Democratic ticket Good Toglewhen you arrive lit the find l lined tiplinr home lown yon w1l 11ned f In lip front of the baggage room about 67 young ladles all with their lips r S puckcre1 up In the most klsslfactor ToglS IUllnnerbut dont do It Toglc Friend TogteHeslst the awful temptation to l IW down the line and plant burning kisses on the front t th or these beautiful maldcns because after planting these kisses the harvest will be M the S lout grass of uvlon and you will find yourself rush lg madly through the Comic rn Papers trying to Ilto all the fair ladles therein Hue ToglwWbcn you meet this awful situation as meet It you will sneer gently at the puckered lips and repeat OVer and over the old proverb Osculation Is the thief of reputation i j Then with a haughty glance at the lady kissing bugs Jump quickly Into your glnrlckeyshnw and gallop swiftly home to the loving arms of your wife If the kissing buggettas should fol low you to the sacred precincts of the Some circle send your mother ia law out with the broomstick and may a kind heaven help those who cannot run fast enough Beloved Togle Now listen with all your ears This adllee I give you from the heart Dont let any committee com-mittee present you with a house Handsome Togie Avoid this house proposition as you would a creditor I Remember Togle that the public I likes to honor a hero by giving him something expensive and then dis honor him afterwards by watching what he does with It Noble Togle There are only two ways a hero can remain a hero in this strange world of ours One way Is to die just after he has heroed and the other way Is to get In a glass case and stay therebut he must buy the glass case himself Unbeatable Togle When the public pub-lic gets a Jag of Joy from the Intoxication Intoxica-tion of your success they will surely rush up to you with the plans and specifications of a fine bungalow with hot and cold gas and running servants but when they do so Just place tho left hand In the apex of the waistcoat and say to them with a cold glitter In the lamps I tnank you public for this display of generosity but I would prefer that you keep the bungalow bun-galow and I will keep my own little fiat on One Hundred and Ninth street because I know the Janitor there and he never steals the milk Nice Togle Republics and any old kind of publics are always grateful while the Jag of Joy lasts They are dead anxious to give a hero more than Is coming to him but after the Jag of joy wears off then comes the bitter morning after hell they wake up with the head full of thirdrail microbes mi-crobes and the tongue like a bridge with the draw open and they keep saying to themselves Why did I give that hero such a nice house because be-cause to save my soul I cant remember remem-ber just what kind of herolng he did to deserve it My dear Togle Avoid the kissing buggettas and dont pay any attention to tho house committee and possibly you will be able to Keep on your heroesquo way to the bitter end I have never been a hero myself Togie with the exception of one after noonwhen I sunk an armored cruiser cook in our kitchen after she had swallowed a bottle of vodka and was bombarding the gas stove with our best set of china dishes but I love all the heroes and If any little advise of mine could help a hero to keep busy at the Job of herolng I would be pleased and tickled Internally Yours with love UNCLE PETER Togo hasnt replied as yet but Uncle Peter expects a postal card or a hand paintea fan in every mall Copyright 1901 by G W DilllnBham Co |