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Show E .UERBT KICKER. A Chapter of Interesting Kicks From Eeaders and Subscribers to I The Times. THE KI02EE GET3 WHAT HE WANTS Long and Loud Ojmplaints From Sufferers I Who Have Had No Medium of Ex pressing Their Sorrow, iContrihultons to this department must be In not later than Friday nluht.l Hunt ( IuIm are liond Knoiigh. To the KicKer: I see occasionally in that old excuseof a sheet, an article about forming a regatta in Salt Lake. We don't want any such stuff. Boat clubs, if properly managed, are just the things for Great Salt Lake. The clubs have no Yale gingerbread on their rudder. Oahsma.v. A Timely Kirk. To the Kicker: Together with others I object to 1'at Lannan parading the streets with his hands behind his back. Does ho expect the world to blow up by the time he reaches the street enrner? One would suppose so from his serious make up. Hk.iikst Kicker. The Hiinki That Ar.; Always Open. To the Kicker I rise to a point of myself, "I'll land this old carpy safe arid limber." The bid in the paper will bring in a big lield, aud if I am to win her 1 must do it line. I felt that way. To make it gilt edged I bought a box of paper w ith gold on the edges. I told the station sta-tion agent that there was nothing 'alf and 'alf about me, "nd that ho couldn't play mo for a sucker because I was doing the genteel. "Fry that down a little; what racket are ye given me?" says he. "I'll smother your lemon." says I, "onless you give me gold on the covers too." "The onvelopes don't have the glitter," said he. and ho w t apped them up, and I paid him 40 cents and was oil'. Now for the writing of the billiduct. I had in mind the man who used to dash olf the curds with the line feather edges at the Wasatch corner. But he had lit out. I was in a hard row of stumps when, as luck would have it, I thought of John Montgomery at the Real Kstate exchange. I read some slick things ho said about Cupid's arrows ar-rows in the papers. I paid him a dollar to spell out my sentiments and it was a daisy, as it would melt any widow's heart except this one. I put a dollar in the letter and said: "Here's to the willow!" as a parter. That was the last I heard of the widow. 1 went to the postollice for a week but thera was nary a reply. I was out $2.42 cents and it broke me. To even up I went to Montgomery and made a demand for the dollar. Ho laughed at me and turned me away by asking. "Why do Indians wear red suspenders?" sus-penders?" I said 1 didn't know. He told me. 1 1 went. That's what I'm kicking about. Wax Works. til the rate of actual living expenses in this city will be in dece-ut proportion to the salary the majority of the young women and men reeoivef Sam SrRAYSTRAW. There In None. To the Kicker: I would like to know if there is any possible manner of proceedure by which a subscriber to the telephone company may get the number asked for of central without having to plead and beg for it. The "girls" of the exchange seem to take delight in delaying connections of : 'phones. Is there no remedy, O Lord, is there? A Phonetic. "If the Railroad Permits " To the Kicker: "It does not pique us half as much as it does the public," piped Pert Aidrich as he took in the price for a load of black diamonds and throw it with superb nonchalance into thenoney drawer. "That's the same old story," chimed the customers. "Here we are paying as much for coal as we did when it was hauled by wagons and yet you fellows have the advantage of railroads." "Permit me to correct you the disadvantage dis-advantage of a railroad. I know what I'm talking about. You ain't buying our coal. We can't afford to sell it ami yet we have got enough to keep this entire town in fuel. We are glutted with it and yet we are unable to reach the market." "Why?" was the reporters monosyllabic monosyl-labic interolation. "Recause. and it's the best reason in the world, we can't get rates. Here objection about the young men who are depositing their money with tho faro banks. The boys claim the business banks close too early for them anil that they cannot quit work and rush off and arrange matters with the 10 . in. to 3 p. m. banks. l'fiii.io Good. loh Would bn Tempted. To the Kicker Why is tho electric lamp at Second North and Sixth West not burning? Solemn darkness has held sway there for the last two weeks. No wonder the people thereabouts are kicking. I know Job would if he lived in that quarter and paid the taxes I do. (I cake it. A HMO.OOO Widow. To the Kicker: ITANTKOA HUSBAND A WIDOW W wtt h property or 0 am, as cau h vert-(led vert-(led hv tuve-tlHutioii, wish- u niiirry some suitable irentleinan satifa tory to hersclf.who will iuves; Imr mine was i.i draw moie than tl per rent Interest p T annum, which U In now (liilnu, and In order to avoid correspond nir with, or exchanifiim photographs w.th trilierx, liiftiHt on each person who answera thta ad-reitemunt ad-reitemunt enclosing one dollar and a self-addressed self-addressed stamped envelope to Insure a replv. All offer hereto subject to a rejection by ad-vcrtiser ad-vcrtiser If not fullvwnlf "'to: y to her. Ad-dross Ad-dross postoir.ee box HU'i, Salt La';e, City, Utah. When I read that, in the Tribune. I loved on first sight, and would go a long wav to gratify my feelings I took' a deep interest in tho widow. That MO,!"1" brought tears to my eyes for fear I never would be able to lay hands on it. "Here's a cool proposition." says I. "and I'm in it. One dollar to $40,000 if 1 lose." "How I'll make her dance and the money jingle," says I to myself. "Pain her skin, won't I?" But something whispered to me. "old man. you're counting your chickens before" they're hatched." I lost mv grip, and to brace up for the ordeal' I ordered a Iamb's tail fry. that never had failed me yet. And I licked the bone for luck. I had tackled iiianv a tough one in my time not Jamb's tails, but widows, and says I to The Newspaper Bore. To tho Kicker: Among the habitues habit-ues of every well-regulated newspaper ofliees is tho persistent contributor who writes homilies from ancient history between the drinks, and of course his contributions never appear in print since tho managing editor would not allow tho readers to be regaled to vile English; but that makes no difference to the bore. Ho drops a sub rosa remark re-mark about tho lack of literary appreciation appre-ciation on tho part of the stall' and then goes on as of yore writing trash while keeping his weather eye steadily on the main chance, which is the nearest near-est saloon. No sooner is one of the moulders of public opion called out to improve his mental vision by means of an eye-opener, than the persistent contributor con-tributor joins the procession. Modesty is not his failing. If he should die some day the newspaper would be called upon to defray his funeral expenses. ex-penses. Maybe it would be pleased to do it. The Kditok. Kicking Is Healthful. ' To the Kicker: Blessed is he who kicks for ho shall be heard. Mr. Kicker, Kick-er, this thing of kicking is a purely American affair although it was invented in-vented by Adam and Eve some time ago. Of all the creatures under the blue canopy of heaven Americans are the champion kickers, I don't mean like the naughty people of the stage do but kickers in a general way when things don't suit. This is a healthy sign. Take a man whose ways are those of peace and whose voice is not heard in this wilderness of woe, why lie is hardly tit to eat cold, heavy buckwheat buck-wheat cakes. Kicking has brought there United States to their present high standard, witness the culmination of the grand kicking act in Philadelphia Philadel-phia on July 4th, 1776. Will the Kicker please tell me how many more moons will have passed un- are our coal banks lying within stones-throw stones-throw of a rival's who, on a higher bid than ours, secured the contract for the supply of n certain company. I don't know, but I am satisfied of the kind of legerdemain that was used. It is simply sim-ply a piece of sleight-of-hand on the railroad that holds the balance of power if not tho scepter over everything. every-thing. A coal mine may be a pay mine in the languago of the prospector, if the railroad permits. The same applies ap-plies to a silver mine and to tho entire product of Utah. It's all right to idealize ideal-ize on the benefits to be derived from the dominance of tho republican or democratic parties. It's a convenient thing to say that polygamy has interfered inter-fered with and retarded the growth of the territory, "but I say that the destiny of tho territory is in the hands of tho common carrier. Utah can become foremost in the production of minerals." min-erals." "With the railroad's permission," blurted Mr. Craw. "She can supply the western country with coal " "With the railroads' permission." "She can rear and raise enough in I her valleys to supply every camp in these rugged Biounlaius " "With the raiiroads' permission." 'JShe can- extend more health and vitality to the square inch of intrench-ent intrench-ent air than any other block in God's country " "With the railroad's permission." "Yes," shrieked Aidrich, rising to the temperature of a torrid zone, "and if the railroads would permit wo could sell coal in this town at a dollar less than the present figure. I'm no kicker but I want to say that the ra'tlrod has got us and the entire country in chancery." chan-cery." and bringing the pages of his order or-der book together with explosive effect he sought the foggy air in which to cool olf. Kal a Kan. For ten davs onlv, you can buy a plushcloak for I12.50. worth 23 at the Beb Hive. - v, '08 Main street. |
