| Show U S If Any Nation Ever Licked Us the Name Escapes Me Says the Hotel Clerk BY IRVIN S COBS COBB Im mighty glad that little fuss with Castro blew oven over oyer said the Hotel Clerk Castro inquired that pa patient patient patient tient and longsuffering seeker after truth the House Detective of ot the Hotel St Reckless Hes one great little guy is Castro said the Hotel Clerk Hes the president dent of ot our sister republic on the Mon Zolon Monroe Monroe roe rOI side of the family the delightful little country of Venezuela The prin principal principal cipal products of Venezuela are yellow fever the asphalt trust informal 5 revolutions with or without frock coats and Castro But Castros tho the most important Hes the boss of ot the works He Ho has a name like Uke a new liver pill piU and the lower slopes of his lace are encumbered up a as far as tho the frost line Une with stunted pine and dwarf dwart furze but he has hM a large displacement when hen he lie begins to rotate the propel ers PIS He has a dt disposition like a two to Ih length of blasting fun funI I know who you mean now said the House Detective If Its a case of touch and go with that lad aint It It certainly Is said the Hotel Clerk But formerly when he touched somebody and tried to go the el halt him Germany or England Englan would send senda aen aena a competent fleet of those tho e chunky Eu European EuropEan European war vessels down to Caracas and find make a demonstration Wot s a demonstration 1 asked the tho House Detective Well its like UI e this said the Hotel Clerk lerk If It I 1 should come to you ou Lar Larr Larn rv n r and rest the cold old forbidding nozzle of a n large gun against too thu lobe of or your tar ear while I frisked your raIment that would be highway robbery But If I Iwas Iwas Iwas was a big nation and you ou a small one nd I 1 should do the same thing then it would be a demonstration and oud have no cause for complaint Our lit litte litte te et friend Castro has taken the demon demonstration degree several times limes And Andrem hero url rem the other day it looked as if wed wod liae lae to play collection agency again agarn u wn w n his way But the differences wore were adjusted without an open broach It wr been a terrible thing if wed angered anred Castro Why so O asked the House Detect Detective ive hE 1 r rHe He Ht might order out the squad of Postal telegraph messengers that he ho hei i calls aIls I his standing army arm and Invade us UR said the Hotel Clerk Ini glad gladye Iad v y ye e t didn t get him aroused When Then en I 1 think thi of 01 Castro and the Bock marching from New Orleans to toS tot S t Louis with flags and shirttails fly lly i ig and then by rebates and drainage Banal Imal to Chicago then by b the Erie and hired hacks to Buffalo then by New ew York Turk Central wrecking trains to New Newy y v rk k Thence by trolley trolle to Coney Cone n ire Are rf you ou gittin altogether dippy dipp in inar Jr ar head asked the Detect iv in iw Wot would the army and navy a aid ard d Teddy T dy and Big Bill Taft and the a force be doln when them little smoked ked guys gU s tried to land There Theore you go gt Larry Lar lamented the Hotel Clerk Youre like ninetynine I rr Ir r cent C nt of or the populace of this ill f country You will go on thinking v y ran lick any other nation on earth be b simply because we always have Why Vh dont you read the magazines full of ot the peril that and ad adt t of ot rustproof mattresses and an automobiles Con Congress Congress gress is full tull of it too and so 50 is Sen Senator Sentor Senator ator tor Beveridge and so in Is Secretary Lod he gets his ideas on the subject like a squab taking nour nouri i from Its mama pigeon but just the same he gets them and so is isi i early everybody else except the tha gen general general eral ual public Blind deluded creatures that you are you refuse to awake to the danger that menaces you ou You go 10 along concerning your minds with the small affairs of Ot life such as notes com corn lug due in the bank and easy times that dont seem to be any different rom rant hard times except that in some spots pots harder when Ht itt this very T r om nt we are aro all aU sleeping on a pow powder powder powder der mine which Is liable any minute to torise torl torise rise rl in a mighty tidal wave and engulf us in the Quicksand of disaster dl ster like tats lata In a trap as Senator Beveridge remarked the other day in an impassioned imp stoned speech which he delivered to the th ie ke president several pages and a soused party asleep in the press gal n You dont seem Seim to know what a con condition condition condition our army and navy nav has got into If you did know to be berett retty rett careful hereafter about how we bandy hard words with Patsy Bolivians or the Terry or the Michael MichaelJ J Madagascar or any an of those chaps Right Bight now if it the or the Fee Foe jets or the or some other othor i outlying but nation should take a notion to attack New Now York practically the uniformed bodies we could muster for the defense of the wholesale clothing trade and the lesser resources of or our great city would be the local letter carriers and tho inmates of or the Sailors Snug Harbor Anyhow that how the magazines figure it out There was WIlS a IL time once when we could auld feel teel pretty cocky and we did didn If n the fruit trust like the he way wa the cloudy Clr udy republic of ot Hayti was play playing playIng playIng ing the th game pass the word to Washington and the next day a gun gunboat gunboat gunboat boat would be b on its way down to apply a little of tho the Monroe doctrine with tte the reverse English The president president president dent of Hayti who greatly resembles the Hon lIon Joe Gans Cans only he has a com corn rh ph xion that looks more like rain would be sitting in state with his cabinet afloat about him in tn a semicircle all aU in full dress and with palmleaf fans in their hands discussing the situation the whole presenting a spectacle something lUte like Lew first part A lieutenant general of the Haytian Ha army arm would burst In drawing on his uniform pants as he entered and announce that the American fleet was without and the executive council would adjourn to the nearest cellar But now us Jack Daltons must have hae a care or else Ise some someday someday someday day a bunch of William 8 Walker Walkr cade ca cade de df s will be landing at nt Tampa and un less they should be diverted by a chit chitterling chitterling terling supper or a crap game ruin and ravage will assuredly await the water watermelon watermelon watermelon melon orchard of Georgia the fried chicken plantation of Kentucky and the pork chop ranges of sunny Illinois while from the steps of ot the capitol a conquered nation may yet hear ringing out the national hymn of the victorious foes Coes entitled My I Voodoo Lulu I have no doubt you are one of those who think our standing army is amply large especially as no theatre manager ever seems able to find a seat for a noncom in uniform You see trainload after trainload of ot gallant shipping clerks and ribbon salesmen going to camp laden with their mosquito nets their mandolins their th lr bull terriers and other military sup supplies supplies supplies plies and you think we have enough national guardsmen to police every au automobile automobile automobile nurse course urse in this fair land and still h e a few left leCt over for hop bop nights at the summer hotels But youre yurl wrong And as for our navy the less said the better It If we but knew the truth as a lot of ot the magazine edi editors editors editors tors know it we would cease to be bC proud of those floating hospitals of de decrepit decrepit decrepit rafts whose hospitable crews were lately entertaining the tho thrifty citizens of openhearted Los Angeles by paying them cents a bottle for beer If It you rou still cherish the th fond delusion that Bob Evans vans flotilla of o invalid soup tureens would have hae any an chance chanco against the navy of or Switzerland or youve only to read th remarks that were made recently by Congressman R n P the original original original inal in demanding a larger fleet The president has hai felt very strongly about the matter too ever since the fleet t passed Oyster O Ster Bay Ba in review last summer with their flags waving dada and the youngest male Roosevelt Poosevelt sat on the front porch clutching his pet grizzly griz grizzly sly tub rub In his young oung anns and cried aloud because b ause there a Dread naught in the whole lot lof of them The members of ot congress representing the Pennsylvania localities that produce are heartily with him in his endeavors to build up a fleet that will make Boston feel easy in its own mind but apathy develops elsewhere A bright young congressman from the smelting regions where the smelts come from rises up to make an eloquent eloquent elo elb quent appeal for more ships but he is rudely interrupted by b p a member from Oklahoma where the only foreign in invaders Invaders invaders they fear is the boll weevil or orthe orthe orthe the white Republicans The Oklahoma member is of ot the opinion that the navy can wait walt But how about that eighty thousand for a new cornice on the custom cus custom custom tom house at Kingfisher And a mem member member member ber from Iowa would also like Ule to know what about that measly half halt million for fora a survey of Skunk river So they trim down the battleship appropriation until un until until til tie hardly visible to the naked eye And there you OU are It would be a ter terrible terrible terrible thing if in our defenseless state we should arouse the ire of Great Brit Britain BrItain Britain ain The only thing that consoles me meis meis meis is that nobody ever seems able to arouse theire the ire of Great Britain unless Its a small friendless bunch such as the Zulus or Boers I 1 aint goin to git yet said the House Detective e There may have been beon somebody licked us from time to time hut but if so the name escapes me for the moment Me too said the Hotel Clerk And sometimes it also seems to me that the modern modem battleships are grand things so 50 long as you keep them on dry land The action of salt water appears to have a abad abad abad bad effect on them it just the theother theother theother other day that one of ot those fragile grain elevators that the English call a battle lp bumped into a passenger vessel and went down like a quinine pill I hate hato to think of the loss of ot life Ufe that would ensue among His I sailors if Ir their I ever eer got run into by one of our Staten Island ferry boats No o Larry Lam unprotected and naked though we be I have hopes that well struggle along for some time yet ret before I we get licked by b Roumania or Dutch Guiana It actually seems to me the our friends the Japs have taken in some few reefs since that ostensible fleet of ours began to edge over toward their side In fact I 1 dont know of but one heavy reverse the American nation mitlon has suffered lately Rot Wot that asked the House Detective administered by William Waldorf Astor said the Hotel Clerk You know Astor hes the man sorry he was born in this country but I Inot not as sorry as the country Is Well by a great display of daring he lie cap captured captured captured the of the Chesapeake e eat at an m auction and gave it to a British I society You call that guy an American would yhu bu asked the House Detective I No said the Hotel Clerk but Id I gladly call him nearly anything else |
