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Show SECRETARY 7 AFT. AN ALLEGED ACCOUNT fF HIS FIRST INTERVIEW IN-TERVIEW WITH Tin; PRESIDENT, Although ono of the best lawyers m the country, Jeule Taft doesn't know any thins about war. He never hred i oft a two horse lumber wagon. li'hS 'nnied to learn. The nar office and nnnd his new secretary ,deep among o.'tid.d.lncumenta. : mng your,d: up, Alphonso?" aid the president, with an encourac-mg encourac-mg smile. "yes," said the judge eagerlv, "I want to know everything pertaining to the business. I have been running run-ning over the disbursements of the department for the last year, to see what was expended for catapults." "For cata whai?" said tho president, presi-dent, pausing, as he was about to Btnko a match on his boot to light a fresh cigar. "Catapults. You have them in the 1 army, haven't you?" said the judge, in rather an uncertain tone of voice. The president smiled a little, and said they did have a few left over from the war, but he believed they had all been used up. Then the secretary said ho should certainly order some more made, for he considered the catapult one of tho most eflective weapons in modern warfare. "They did great execution at the Biege of Jerusalem, aa I remember reading," mused the secretary, "and it is doubtful doubt-ful whether Tiberius would have been able to have reduced the city without them." Grant looked at his new secretary through the cigar Binoke a few momenta, mo-menta, and then told him it he ordered or-dered any catapults he had belter have them "rifled," witn an adjustable, adjusta-ble, and muzzle-loading bayonet, and the flrrptilrv' m?iln n iiinniAp.i,,,!,,,,, to that eflect. "I see that considerable money has been spent in experimenting with torpedoes," continued the secretary, Ion king over the disbursements, "That seema to be a waste of money, and it encourages a bad habit among children, Serious accidents have frequently resulted from little boys throwing torpedoes under horses' feet on tho Fourth of July, and it ought to be stopped." The president allowed that tho torpedo tor-pedo wasn't a thing to fool with, and the secretary read on. Suddenly he, jumped to his feet, while the hot indignant biood Hashed to his very temples as he exclaimed: '-No wonder won-der the couutry is improverished, and the tax-payer groaning beneath his burden. Here, while trade languishes and the wheels of industry are clogged all over the land, my predecessor has been shipping luxurious delicacies to the garrisons of our forts, thinly concealed con-cealed under the tsrm 'shell.' What does shell mean? Shell ovsters, of course! That's what it means. But they don't get any shell while I am secretary. I'll settle that." "That's rlit," said the president. "If they get any oysters make them 'shell out' lor them themselves;" and then ho added, in an aside to himself, "they would have to if they bought them of one of Belknap's post-traders." '"Yen," continued tho secretary; "look at the quautity of grape on hand, classed among 'munitions of war.' What dots grat e mean, and what is it lor?" "It is to wash down the shell ovsters with, I suppose," said Grant, w'ilh a merry twinkle in his eye which the judge didn't see. "That's it exactly," criial the judge. "Keeping the soldiers on wine and oysters, whi'o thousands of people are wanderintr around in honnle ocunM, for a free lunch. I te-ll yuu, 'Lyssis, this is scandalous!" Tho president, as he arose to go, said he was glad he had a secretary of war, at length, who was determined to look into tilings and reform abuses, and, cautioning him not to forget to have those catapults rilled, ho relumed re-lumed to tho White house with a boarder grin on his face than any boo y had ever seen there before. |