Show 1HE NKW CANDIDATE Stand aside Presidential aspirants I B H you be content that for four years come March next you have sat in grandfathers grand-fathers chair and have been covered with grandfathers bata world too wide for thy shrunken pate I GROVER give up the race go to thy wife listen to the innocent prattle of Baby Rnrii be content therewith there-with and heed no longer the whisperings of ambition I restless in this narrow sphere practice law but abuse not opposing oppos-ing counsel HILL get thoo to 1 monastery 5 go get thee hence Fastings and castigations castiga-tions will euro thee of thine ambition so prone to overleap itself and fall on failure To a monastery gol Bo virtuous and youll be happy though you may miss lots of fun FLOWER PALMER ALOER GRAY all of you hide your diminished heads get to cover do as the wiser BLAINE has done swear that you will not take the oath of office if elected President And thou GLADSTONE thou sage of Hawarden we shout to thee across a mighty continent across a mightier ocean and trust that no howling migbter ocan howln tempest win mnaer our voices reaching thee Write no more letters against woman suffrage Tho dispatches yesterday say thy letters have done much injury to that cause and you havo us much offended Thy finger on thy Ups man and listen On the 22d inst Mrs JoHN BIDDCLPH MARTIN better known to fame as VICTORIA WOODHULL landed in Now York and announced an-nounced herself a candidate for the office of President of the United States She has already outlined her platform it is educational ed-ucational by the wayand is represented as being a firm believer in destiny and is absolutely confident of being the successor of BEXJAMIS HARKISON in tho White house Hence our advico above to Presidential Presi-dential aspirants Yes she is represented repre-sented a saying our plans aro thoroughly matured I come back t ask my people to put mo in the White h use not that I care for the position I only care for it so far as it will give mo power to inaugurate a system sys-tem of education which will awaken the people to the responsibility of creating a race of gods instead of inferior human beings be-ings who encumber the face of tho earth today Now after that what is the use of any of the other wouldbo candidates trying tow to-w S got the office What have they to offer I that in any way compares with this What I Is the importance of tariff reform or a protective pro-tective policy the centralization of power or the enlarged liberty of the people compared with securing a president presi-dent whoso platform will teach the people how to create a race of gods to take the place of the inferior human beings that now encumber the face of the earth Who would not vote for such a candidate Then this candidate is a woman too and in voting for her gallantry would be going hand in hand with interest combination I that is simply Invulnerable Is it any wonder therefore that we command all other candidates to stand aside Then oh happy thought it is generally believed be-lieved that all our woes in this world were brought upon us through womans transgression I trans-gression may it not be that since by woman wo-man came our woes by woman will come our emancipation Theres logic in the thought I Woman plunged the world into its miserywhat more natural than to suppose that it will be her hand that shall pluck our feet out of the mire and the clay and set them on the seamless rock of political morality social morality and every other morality Then too this womans name is VICTORIA Is not that significant Where EVEa name which marks a sweet but falling sound fell may not VICTORIA rise Where EVE cursed may not VICTORIA bless EVE began tbo race of inferior human beings that encumber the earth today does not VICTORIA promise when elected President to teach us how to people tho earth with godsmayhap herself setting the example exam-ple 1 Then hail VICTORIA Thrice welcome wel-come to our shores Weve waited long for her We have strained our eyes looking look-ing for the MOSES that was to deliver us from all our thralldom Wj3 knew not that he would come clad in petticoats but that is a small matter VICTORIA MOSES and thou art welcome We see but a fow slight difficulties in tho way to the accomplishment of all VIC TORIAS noble purposes I the President of the United States were GOD Almighty and sho elected to that office if there were no constitution limiting his powers within lines inconveniently narrow for tho exercise exer-cise of arbitrary power i there were no Senate or Houso of Representatives to be factors in legislative enactments if there were no popular sentiment in tho country to influence that legislation and the administrative ad-ministrative actions of tho President i human nature were not so perverse and a little easier to change from Inferior beings to a race of gods if tho political conduit were the channel through which a general reformation of lifo and conduct could be effected instead of one of least available means of accomplishing accom-plishing such reformation i VICTORIA VIC-TORIA when elected President could work by magic instead of by wit so that by the pronouncement of the mysterious mys-terious words Hickory dickory dock and a wave of her magio wand the inferior in-ferior race of human beings which encumber en-cumber tho face of the earthtoday would disappear and her race of gods come trooping in clothed upon with all the evidence evi-dence of their divinity if all these slight difficulties could be removed all would be plain sailing for VICTORIA Much virtue in if said tho great poet much vice in it too say we since it interferes inter-feres with so much that VICTORIA and other wellmeaning people might do but for its existence 5 |