Show Latest Styles In Metropolitan Vice Dont Don't Be Alarmed New Alarmed New York Is Than Thau It May Seem By L. L AI Masson asSOrt YORK is expected b by the tho thorest rest of ot the country to set the tho styles In Jn vice Ice It Is therefore Important that wo we should know what Is going on in New York so that we ma may all be up to date Small town vice Ice is nothing If not ambition If It you ou live In a 0 small town It Is discouraging gln to think that your our particular brand of wickedness is not the real thing If It tho the best New Yorkers are arc passing passing- their evenings in dark cellars drinking all kinds of or hor- hor alcoholic stuff and nd being carried home on stretchers in the tho early earh morning then your our little Jame game gamo of pinochle with witha a grape grape- Juice cocktail on tho the side and your our 11 o'clock I-o'clock o'clock 11 In In tHe evening cavort orl down Main aln street on the wa way to your our clad vine cottage looks like pretty mild mUd doings New ew York knows this New ew NewYork NewYork York Is proud of ot Its Us position as a a. wild town When Whon prohibition stole over or the land It looked bad for little old New York It looked as asIf asIt asif If It all alt th the hard work done in the past all the tho orgies and society affairs affairs af nf- af- af fairs and scandals and holdups and Tenderloin features had been In vain Think of or coming on to the metropolis metropolis me me- from the cactus la laden en plains of ot New Mexico or tho the prune pruno dotted landscape of or California Califor Califor- nia and having nothing better to occupy your our attention than a SL bone bono dry cabaret In the past th there re was wasa a regular program for the visitor to New York to toll follow ow After Atter he had h been tho the round of or the restaurants restaurants rants r and all the mysterious midnight midnight mid mla night dens of vice after atter he be was fed up on s n done up In all the original packages provided by the conscientious inhabitants he then say at the tho end of or ten days drag dragged ed himself back to his own home town where ho he sat eat up In bed hed and explained to his wife and family that the cobblestones had given him flat feet and the plain fare faro of ot tho the Rialto had given him him- Indigestion Nobody believed this thiEl of course Everybody E know knew the truth All the neighbors secretly envied the man who had been to toNe Ne New York All hoped to emulate him s some me da day i There are splendid young men all over the United States tates who have trained themselves to become western buyers Just for the op opportunity opportunity op- op of or getting Jettin to New York at intervals als and going going- the rounds Think of the consternation of or all aU allgood allgood good New Yorkers therefore when the they were confronted by the awful possibility of losing this reputation reputation tion lion for wickedness wickedness' Vh Why leave home for New York if It It Il didn't mal make e you OU ou an any worse Tho The great metropolis of ot America In the popular popular pop pop- ular imagination was a place where everybody gambled ambled and drank and sang ribald songs and staggered up tip and nd down tho the Great White Whit Way and lived apart from their wives and never went to bed until 4 a a. a in m and then went about In with their feet teet hang- hang Ing out of the windows an and pass passed d cr C every other day lay In a Turkish bath in order to get Set strength enough to carry earn them thorn through tho the remaining rounds round To wipe this picture out and replace it with a a sugar-and- sugar milk r metropolis where everybody e wont ont to bed at 9 o'clock and had their t tea an and toast In tho the afternoons afternoons after atter- and haunted gospel meetings every ery other da day would have hayo been fatal Something had to be done dono about it Tho The dan danger er was w recognized by er e everybody bod at once Mayor was as speedily recalled rec from Palm Beach and Atlantic Cit City Tho The po police police police po- po lice were noU notified that they would have o to be ho proved guilty Some Somo of the most popular and trustworthy preachers were enlisted to de denounce do- do everything g in sight sight sight-or or out of ot sight Bight Willing hands offered their services to put New York on the map once more as a hotbed of or I Iniquity n I i ty Up to the present time of ot writIng writing writ writ- Ing inK everything looks pretty good We 0 got ot Vice out from behind tho the city hall and much to our delight and surprise wo found that he wasn't so o far tar gone as we thought On tho the whole ho mado made a fairly re respectable ro- ro figure Tho The fact is heas he vas as much more frightened than down and out There Thero was a good I deal of or c in his cylinders and he lie had loosened up a 3 lot and had h I to be he tightened throughout Wo We filled him full run of ot gas Jas gave him a new brand-new coat of ot red paint and he looks as good as aa new erbo E Everybody has been most kind and helpful In this great work of or reinstating tho the Metropolis In tho the affections of all lovers ers of wild times and sin in general The po police police police po- po lice have havo been wonderful h having ln contributed n a couple of captains or orso orso orso so to the Idea that the they had d all been been- fixed Wall street has done its bit Several l people who never drank a drop before In their lives JIves have been caught in the dark cellars cellars cel eel lars absorbing hair tonic and havIng having haying hav hay ing It advertised thus offering themselves as martyrs In a great greal cause Society wom women n who have ha secretly been living JIving happily with their husbands aro going about getting divorces Just to do their share Other ladles are openly playing bridge and smoking cigarettes cigarettes cigarettes cigar cigar- ettes although the they really reaBy hate vile ne things thinG's Just to show that they have havo local pride All AU visitors to New York are requested to do what the they can to show that we weare weare e eare are real really as wicked as as ever in spite of or the iho dreadful things published published pub pub- about us which tend to convey conye con con- ye ve vey tho the Impression that there Is nothing more doing 10 InC When hen you get homo home tell em what you OU did and the tho frightfully wild time you had Dont Don't be afraid to tell em anything any any- thing Fortunately you ou can tell anything about New York and somebody will wm believe bellevo It it Tell em you ou have o been carried out of at a drug store on on- on Broadway in broad daylight and that the tho vampires y of Gr Greenwich village had you on a leash over a 11 week-end week and that the cave men of ot Upper Fifth avenue ave aye nue nuo separated you from your wad and that the shimmy experts exports o of the cabarets frescoed you O with For as a a. matter of ot fact there is no reason why Now ow York shouldn't be advertised successfully successfully success success- fully as being worse than ever er you You can now put all kinds of dope on your our list When hen father gets gels back to the old ohI home homo town to he can gather ather the children on his knee o and tell them how Jiow when he visited the East Side he hit the tho pipe 1110 and what love lovely fairy dreams ms he ho had Its It's a great life ure of ot sin wo we New Ness e Yorkers are aro now compelled to lead If nobody weakens There ma may possibly bo be a few virtuoUs virtuous vir vir- Ir people left In Saw Now ew York Wo We are not bragging about them I Y have ha seen soei thom them sneaking Into quiet churches on Sundays Sunda's and nd goIng going go- go 0 Ing homo home at 6 o'clock and I have been told that they thoy lead decent lives It ma may tie Ie true There are I 1 suppose some Now cw Yorkers who pass their time In God fearing pastimes and work for a ln JI living All AU things are possible We Va cant can't afford to have havo the metropolis damaged damaged dam clam aged its it's too expensive Now ow Yorkers must live JIve as well vell as common or garden folks in small towns who are never quite so o wicked as they feel they ought to be For spring spring- and summer consumption consumption consumption con con- we can offer an nn attractive attract ct ive lye varlet variety of wickedness wickedness almost almost anything from a Wall Vall street de debauch debauch debauch de- de bauch to Grcen Greenwich Village cream eating circle We 0 aim to please Where before simple people led only double lives we can arran arrange go for same samo on a triple or quadruple basis Saturnalia of ot all kinds furnished furnished furnished fur fur- on reasonable reason notice from incoming parties Put on your our overalls and and- come an and give New York Yorka a a trial Wo 0 will guarantee a wild wiM time Bring Bringan all an your OUr hip pockets with ith you ou In Incase case caso we dont don't rob you enough or you feel that you OU oti haven't fallen tallen far enough for tor tho the time and tho the monc money spent notify the authorities or any local clergyman and nd everything everything every every- 7 thing will be refunded except your our money monay an and your clothes and you youcan youcan OU can start all an over again Now York is most anxious to prove to the rest of ot the country countr that there is absolutely nothing nothing- to these silly amy tales of ot unblemished purity We certainly must not everybody every every- body awn away Just because they got Sot tho the false Idea Iden that were we're not aban aban- Come Como on and be bo abandoned with us You may have havo to sleep on a park bench but you ou can carf stand standmore standmore standmore more wickedness than th ever er if ir you ou get an n occasional whiff of ot fresh air Life LICe in New Now York is not all allone allone allone one subway after another It is still sUll possible to see the sky un sky un unless less you have a stiff neck If you au aro are suffering Buffering from that dry bone-dry feeling just feeling Just as If It you had lived ed In Kansas all your life come on an and be bo cured And If SC there isn't room for you In In tho the park or In an any hotel well we'll put you up In Jail |