| Show S There Are Smiles That Make Us Happy Here Jere Are Words Without the Mu m Conscience e Worked It ork Il It says L I here that Missouri man b boasts that he has an umbrella that has been In his pos possession for twenty year years said Smith long tong Well replied Jones JonCs enough He Uc ou ought ht to return it it- it Cincinnati Enquirer Couldn't fl Be De Other rl Are you of or orthe the opinion Jame James asked a slim look that Dr ing man of his c companion Smiths Smith's medicine does an any good Not 1 unless you ou follow tollow the tho directions the directions directions' What hat are arc Keep cp the bottle tightly corked Tit Xo No o Time to I A. A tough old bird j was as dying and his wife sent ent out for a preacher The preacher came and said saM to the thc d dying sinner You had better renounce the devil dc m friend S Renounce the ll de devil exclaimed the dying hing man Why h I aint Int in a position Lion tion to make mahe an any enemies right now Enquirer 5 Would ouM Be Df nep A A couple of old codgers codgen got into a quarrel and nd landed before the thc local ma magistrate istrate S The loser turning to h his opponent in a S. S u 1 I 1 1 I 11 t 1 uj UL 1 mum ii n. u u law you ou to the circuit court Tin nfl said the tho other An Ill I'll law you ou to the supreme court S Ill be An tn n 1 Ill I'll Ii law you rou to ell cli S My h be bc there was the theS S calm alm reply Boston Transcript s h S One night a wild ravaging ra leopard Was Va fired at by a bold Next morn it it was found Lying dead on the ground 5 The leopard the had Boston Transcript Transcripts Coo Convenient A. A farmer had come up t to town for a n. few days das Before he he had bad promised to bring his daughter a a. present so ho he went into a a. jewelers jeweler's shop and said to the as assistant as- as 8 I r want a pair lair of or earrings cheap but pretty prett- Yes Yes sir said the Jeweler you OU want something loud I suppose Well I dont don't mind if it one of them thom themIs thomIs Is a little loud replied the farmer M My girl girt Is slightly deaf In one ear Tit Bits S Harmony nt- nt at Yer Harmony Harmony Of course th there re will be harmony at that peace paco ace conference It will go something like this Chairman Chairman it It t has been thought best to fix the indemnity that Germany shall pax at Arc Aro there any objections objection Three or four tour frenzied voices voices voices-Mein Colt GU yes yea cs It is a ah an outrage an an- an Chairman There Chairman There being ri no nJ objection to t secretary will cast one vote for forthe the proposition and It will be so or or- d dered dred S I Now O we como come to lo the thc matter of r territorial ter ter- or- or I 1 adjustments dJ ts We c boys ha have vc sort of oC talked it over oer and we think it would be about right If IC we wo took all of or German Germany as far as the Elbe including of oC course the thc eft city o of Hamburg and the port of JC f Cuxhaven cn Is t ere an any body Agonized guttural voices Yes voices Yes Gott iott In Himmel yes yes yes' es Listen Listen Listen- lr Ch Chairman If H If not we wc I shall shah re regard the matter maUer as settled and the secretary will make maJo a note of it s HO c that it m may be included later Liter In the treat treaty S. S Now ow gentlemen what is your pIcas pIcas- ure nrc In rC regard rd to punishing all tho thu GerS German German Ger Ger- S man prison commander who mistreated mistreat mistreat- ed Cd allied soldiers under their charge S Tl There cre seems to lie he quite a 1 strong feeling feeling feel feel- ing among the delegates el that the they should be hanged What hat say you you you- doea doeH anybody object S Chorus Chorus' u of despairing voices Ach yes cs We c object We demand S Since chairman Since no po one objects It Is 60 ordered Tho The ne mt money for Cor the rope may b be taken from Crom the contingent fund I And Arid now gentlemen a 1 motion to ad ad- adjourn j journ urn Is In order But flut ut that I wish to congratulate you yon on the wonderful harmony har bar mony which has prevailed pre during this ion and which I 1 am sure will continue throughout the conference It II Is a a. real privilege e to preside over a body o 0 of men whose thoughts tho and alms are re In Such cUch uch perfect agreement Syra Syra- Syra U Herald I 1 So o W aw Hubby My My t dear the doctor I sa says s 's Im I'm In need of or- ora a little chan change e. e I Then ask asic him to give he It to you OU OUI I lIes He's got the last of oC mine A American m e ri ca n. n The Limit In In Collar The Thc The Knut Knut- Knut Knut Its It's simply absurd What's the u tic e of ot I I showing me low-cut low collars like these Do y you rou mean to sa say you l keeping nothIng nothing nothing noth noth- ing taller taUer Im I'm Im I'm sorry but your our next size Is cuffs Cassels Cassel's Saturday Jour Jour- nal nat J t A man who had purchased some currant buns uns at u II I baker bakery was distressed on starting to 1 eat cat one to find It contained a fly fh Returning Re lie I turning to the bakery baker he made an In InI Indignant indignant In- In I r I complaint demanding another bun in place of ot the Inhabited one Im sorry sir said the saleswoman an I cant can't give you ou another ales om bun hun but if you ou will bring back the fly fh I 1 will exchange It for a currant I Pittsburgh Chronicle Telegraph I Ia of the Urn The lIfo The Smiths had batI hada a a lien hen which insisted upon ne neglecting her comfortable le nest to la lay a dally daily egg in the coal coat cellar I cant can't think fretted Mrs Smith a as she an and her small son John together together to- to gether Lu L' L hunted for Cor that particular e egg I I I I tillS mis one insists upon using the coal cellar I Why h that's cas easy mother ex exclaimed exclaimed ex- ex I claimed John I suppose she's seen I the sign Sow Now I Is 18 the time limo to la lay in your our coal Pittsburgh Chronicle Chronicle- Tele Telegraph I In Speaking Dakota Speaking orI of or I farming said the thc visitor fro from the I west we e have havo some farms out in Dakota that are arc quite sizable Ive I've I I seen a man on one of ot our big farms start out In the spring and plow a aI straight furrow Currow till fall Then he harvested liar har vested ested back I Wonderful said the thc listener On our Dakota farms he lie went on It is tho the usual thing to send young married couples out 10 to milk the cows Their children return with the milk Boston Transcript n All 11 Angry Prof Do you Jou think this class is a joke youn young man manT Stude No No sir Im I'm not laughing at the class Jack o Jack o An 41 T LL 1 AO ii 5 V ne i r o Uj LIp you oU I try the simple plan of ot counting sheep for or your our insomnia Z Yes Vc doctor but I made a mess of It It I counted I sheep put cm on the cars and shipped cm era to market nd And when shien Id I'd got through counting the lie wad of or monc I money got for them at present prices it was time to el up Boston Transcript I G Germany I t Arthur n t Word Arthur ord Arthur Train the novelist no down put a German newspaper newspaper news- news paper at the Century club In New Sew York i j with wilh an impromptu grunt I I It says here he explained that It Is Js Germany who will speak the last Jast word In this war I Then the novelist laughed angrily and added Yes Germany will speak the ho last I word In the war nr and tha that t last word will he be e Kamerad Washington Star Back to h Why Is It H. H Sam that one never neer hears of a darky com corn suicide Inquired the north north- erner Well you ou see Eec Its It's boss I When hen a white has an any trouble ho sets down an gits to I bout It an an a Jn Then firs firs' thing you rou know lies he's done killed his his- self nut hut when a er sets sola down tf to think bout his troubles h why he Jes jes' goes to sleep sleep Life 4 Handing Down J Small Boy My Boy My fathers father's go got bot a new set Get of ot teeth Friend What's What's to become of or the old ones one Small no Boy Boy nooh oh Oh I guess they'll cut em down for tor me me- me ew York Evening World y orl I II I An Date Up-to-Date l Teacher Teacher- I Name the five fie zones one Pupil Temperate Intemperate war postal and oj OJ-DoMton OJ Boston Transcript J I From G German ni Diary ln I In speaking or of the tho apparent lack of ot Justice in the I awarding of or decor decorations the i moos En English lIsh author of oC A General Letters to His Ills Son Houghton MIffin quotes the tho following deJl delightful extract from the Iho diary of or a German t soldier Monday Monday Jt londa-It londa It r rained II hea heavily and our Lieutenant Muller was drunk Tuesday Tuesday The The The English shelled us usand usand and our Lieutenant Mueller was very drunk Wednesday Thc The English shelled u ua us more heavily and our Lieutenant Muller uller was drunk and incapable Thursday Thursday Wo Wo were sere ordered to at at- at tack Our Lieutenant Muller called caliel out to us ts from rom his dugout to tu a advance anc more rapidly Friday Irda Nil Friday Nil II Sa Saturday Saturday Nil Sun Sunday Sunday Our Our lY-Our Our Lieutenant Muller luller re received re- re cel tho the Iron Cross Kansas Cross Kansas City CH- Times I Wed JuIth Wed have more IT prayers answered said Bishop Hoss of ot Muskogee If IC we had more moro faith raith Too man many o of us are like Willie Willie on a visit to o his Ills uncles uncle's In the tho country admired a fine flue colt coH Uncle give g me that colt will you ou he asked Yh Why no no Willie nile said his uncle That's a vcr very valuable colt and I couldn't afford to give him to you ou Do you OU want ant a colt COIl so er very bad badly I Id I'd rather have o a cult colt than anything anything anything any any- thing thing- else in Sn tho the world said Willie Then said his uncle Ill Til tell you OU what you OU ought to do Since you OU want vant a colt that much you OU ought to pra pray for one Whenever I 1 want a athing athing thing thins I always pray for COt It It anti and then them it H is sure to tu come to mo t Is that BO co f uncle said al Willie eager eagerly ont Wont you OU please give o me inc methis methis this colt then and pra pray for one unc for yourself Pittsburgh Chronicle Chronicle- Telegraph Iii UN III t dead asked the stranger viewing tho the elaborate funeral procession The Tho bloke what's inside tho the coffin answered an Irreverent small ho boy But BUl who Is It the stranger purS pur pur- S sued U el Its the mayor was tho the reply So the mayor Is dead ead Is he lie mused the thc stranger i Well I 1 guess said ahl the small boy witheringly hes he's having havinga a rehearsal rehearsal MilestOnes Milestones nes Diplomatic Doctor Teli Doctor Tell your OUI wife not nOl to worry about her hor deaf deafness ess as it itI itIs itIs I Is merci merely an indication of ot advancing ad years Mr would lir would ou you mind telling her yourself doctor doctor oc Tt or-Tt- Tit Mi b Kner the Ilie Symptom Charle Charley I dear said young youn Mrs lr In a a. atone tone that was kind but firm did you 1 toll tell me you OU were up late last night with a n sick friend I Yes What hat m made de your our friend feel sick Was as ho be a heavy loser loser losert Washington ton I Item tern Futile lutil She I She I She I heard a anoise anoise noise vcr very late when you ou came In in I Ho ilu facetiously Was Was it tho the night falling She sternly Xo No No it was the day ay breaking Baltimore re American The rue Farmer oln A A senator sea sen cn- cn ator apropos of the farmers farmer's attempt I to raise the price of or wheat sal said the theother theother theother other da day The farmers are actuated b by selfish I motives in this business It Its It's Jj like c the thc story of oC the duel Two gentlemen with their seconds s retired to a farmers farmer's meadow to fight right righta a a. duel The fhe various pr preliminaries s were arranged and the duet duel was Just about to begin when the thc lie gaunt figure of th the farmer was seen racing across the grass toward the scene o of conflict The farmer seemed In iii great reat dis dis- tress of ot mind min A humane chap the principals and seconds s thought ho he wants to prevent pre bloodshed an and the they welcomed him kindly Excuse me gents the farmer said sal gulping with emotion but is this here hero gem to be a 3 sword 0 or a pistol duel Sword duel said a second Wh Why Well Vell you OU see see said the farmer Carmer If It it was a pistol duel Id I'd want to take m my cows in first Washington Star m fig n Banking Neighbor Gol Neighbor Gol Got much mone money In your our hank bank Bobby Bobby Gee Bobby Gee no no Tho The depositors 3 have havo fallen oC off etC fierce fiere since sister got gut engaged Boston engaged Boston Transcript Not o Jd Idea a to lo Him Xo ov Now Lieutenant Lieutenant Lieu Lieu- tenant said th the general you OU have ha lie Hie battalion In quarter column col cal urns facing south south how how would l you OU get It into line in the quickest possible way wa- facing northeast Well Yell sir said gald the lieutenant after a moments moment's fruitless consideration do you OU know kno that's what whal Ive I've often oCten won won- on dered Boston Boston Transcript Words Word Could Not ot ot Hurt James urt James said Mrs Mellow lelloW to the man servant senant can you find out whether the tinned I salmon was all eaten last night 1 I I Jon i t want ant to cooS ask the lie new ne' cook she cause sho she ma may have havo eaten it it arid and andt 1 would feel V uncomfortable t Please maam marn replied June T lJ ew W cook ate all the salmon 3 matter what you Jou was as to sa say t 8 you OU couldn't make her more C-c C able than she sho is nOW BaIth American Ji l J it Tr Try Fry 10 io i Told ATOM cold rill ThU riito Error We W 1 to stop our little girl gIrt answering answering front door calls I K Why h 1 f The other day when ir came to call on our eldest daughter r was dressed In his white uniform when hen the little one opened the thel an and saw sa him she Immediately stairs Ma Ia how much lir bread r ld ad add d don J want ant today tOda Detroit Free Pre Press s l ft I. His Ilia Son SOnS G let Get t n it MoTe More 0 On o. No Xo more the move mo stealth fi it To compass mischief vast JJ ar They've Thc got gol to lo travel tra for their he herid hell rid And travel mighty might fast fj Washington S SI- SI SI ij Willing t i to Sell What Sell What are lre you a Jn for tor your Our cold coll 1 ji Mak Iak me inc an Boston Boston T script Si j |
