Show Modern Fables fabIes The Wife Who The Had ad Ho Xo Oai 0 On Onto to Her j jOUNG YOUNG OUNG Couple Cou sat lid and looked d at t each other for forthe forth or orthe the th first nix months of ot o tile the theLlie th Llie Sentence and Anally it became rather trying i i on un the Eyes Sye Therefore tie te was glad Iad to be called aUed away for fa a couple of Days Day It was his Ma first Vaca Vacation tion since leasing the th tb Flat and be he rent cent word to som of his ht former Running u Mates M to meet him h at the Train i as aa he would remove his hIa Bridle and begin to toi i burn hum Holes Hole in III the Track t They Tb y knew Just Juat what would appeal ap AI to toa t ta ta a quiet Home Rome Body mi mIles let from lila his own Fireside They took him bUn in Tow TowI J I and gave him h a Square Meal ea every evary Y Hour Roo HourI c I Then they stood him hlin under a Shower Bath and turned the whole Wine Wh Card Cardon on him He H played Golf Pool until he hf hewa h wa was chalked all over and then he pla played ed Poker Pok he had to feel to see aee if U th Ante was waa there The Clerk Cl rk at the tha Hotel saw him twice once when he Registered R and once when when he came to get hi ht Racca He H fell into a Sleeper and nd told the Porter to tc make nake up Berths Bertha Bt until ordered to stop atop In the morning when he hI awoke with a Head of Be Se seven en n Gables Gabl i ind nd reached for his hili Bromo he realized realised leal that he had Enjoyed himself While hIle he was wac away working a com core combine combine bine of Business and aM Recreation the Wife went on a regular Lark She lb called an on a former fortner Cham Om C am and they sallied reified out m In n their Circus Gown and ordered I up p Pine Apple Soda regardless and took p in tn a where the Leading Lt ading Man looked right rl ht at them occasionally and then n they ate Marshmallows all the wa WI Home They TIley put on Old Wrappers aid aad cooked something in a Chafing Dish h and aDd the Wife brought out some of her Pr Pee serve Letters Lettera and read them and then thou they turned t tu ned in together toce and giggled half alt But Bat tile the Husband sever yer found fouad out oat h HW how w she abe had bd carried on Oft ORAL ORAL The Reaction is Ia something Terrible The Congressman essman Who Was Out to Improve the Service NCE NE there was a Vacancy In the 0 O ONCE Diplomatic Service and a certain Congressman recommended a friend I for fur the Place Another ADother Statesman of or about the same Calibre came to him ilm I and said You have lave made an aD offside of I Play Tour Your Candidate for the Job used I to be in the Saloon Sloan Business Replied the Congressman Co That is hi hii i exactly why I J am plugging for him bUn He Hei I i has been tried out I claim dalm that no one out a Diplomat of the First t Water can be a successful ful Barkeep Think of it itHe ItHe itHe He has haa to discuss Poultice Politics Religion Pugilism Race Horses Hones the Drama Mod Med Medical I ical Science Seven UP Pp the Weather the Isthmian Canal Reciprocity and other Topics Topic with of Customers every dav Ia da holding up his end of the Conversa Conversi Conversation tion but antagonizing no mans man Views I He Ho must pour Oil on OD the troubled Waters deride decide Bets pacify the Jag who is Ia I looking to be insulted in and reconcile Old Friends who are getting ready to Clinch He must look loik Pleasant when the Slot Blot Machine sticks the House for Cigars When an aa I Souse with his Hat on one Ear Bar comes in tn inand n nand and teats heats on the Bar and announces that he be is a Gentleman the Barkeep must ad admit admit admit mit that such is the Case He Re must listen bv by the Hour to the yammering Talk on the gabby Lightweights JJ ta who are full of Balloon Essence and stand ready eady to corroborate cor corroborate any aay Statement made by a Reg Beg Regular Regular ular Patron Patton If lie he is asked to mark ark something on the Ice until andl the Next Time he must decide at a one whether er he e is to say Cert Cart or else el e run for the Seltzer aelter He must cultivate a Knowledge of Human Nature so 80 that he h can II tell at t a Glance Stance whether the fuzzy fussy Bat who cuts cute a Circle before he gets Pta to the RH Ran Is to a Hobo liola or a s Respected Citizen who ta JI out on o a Periodical Perl For him Lit Ut U te a series of perplexing Problems a delicate a man manipulation manipulation manIpulation of Alcoholic Fancies a constant Effort to keep square with both Political Parties the P and the Wine Agents such com corn complicated complicated For any man who ca swing Propositions the Ute ordinary Duties of a Diplomat WOuld be as sim aim simple simple pie as Jack Straws Straw What we need In Inthe inthe I Ithe the Diplomatic Service is Sewer lower f Country Politicians and an more Bar I MORAL It U is useless to contradict a I Congressman who has baa studied a Subject I for Years yea The Only Specialty That Got got a Hand Kand C EVERAL kind Workers tOOled pooled their SEVERAL Efforts to Insure the tM Waifs a happy LI Holiday They rounded up the little Hickeys at a Mission Jon and gave them a Free Show Every EverT Swipes in the Place was wu a Monday ay Night Gallery God Godso so 80 the Church Talent was wu going against a knowing Proposition A pale young Man ft with amber Fire Escapes Escapee E sprang a line MB of Parlor Magic that would have bave queered oven even a Supper Show The Bunch advised him to back ek backoff off 0 the tM Dump When a Young Lady La Y with Glasses ees taek tackled d Mater on the thu I Violin they broke brOk her up with CatCalls CatCall Cat and told her bel to tear off some They bloated bleated at the Amateur Elocutionist and acted Rowdy when a Stoat Woman Weman got up ap to r reed a Fairy Tel Tale Irow row liens Hans Christian Anderten Then they began to yell for Mulligan and Hicks to tot come COnti on and save g the Snow Show Whereupon On two pu faced Kids amo ute forward and did M It i Song Sont Son cad and Dance with a Buck and Wing Wine finish and iid lUlled killed them tum dead dMd MORAL The Waifs Waif cannot be e ex expected e to lift Ives many Notches Notch above the Public Tast nate The Shower C f Blows lows That hat Came Caine Dawn Dowa on OH Paw T ILLIE had been Jeen n away tip fr r ce TILLIE I Months att a adias Madame School for teaching Young Yount Youn Ladies LB how bow to wither Parents She Sheho cease came home ho with a taR tan oed mid oeda mida a good deal of ot It t as Wp 11 as a a areal areal real reel Actress antique Bar y ana aM ud feed Merchant who been Mea Semites the Money greeted air r with Open Gal Im 1 t to 19 t see ee you yon Hum Hwn agin n be d How flow be yr ye Ohapa Oh Papa ft turning tur deathly Pale f u have no 00 o Collar ar Ur Cravat and you ou are Ar addressing me while In your our Shirt Sleeves Your Hair is parted on the wrong side Your Vest te Is three years tears t to the wa back and to look at al the Bag in your Trousers Trou erB one on would think that you were PI getting ready to tomake tomake make a Jump Jum You ought to wear Link Cuss Cuffs u instead of 01 the kind you have bave on and ana aa for lor mercy goodness sake get jet your yourself youra yourself self a pair of Button Shoes instead of those Scows ScoWl And if you ou expect to meet I any of my Friends who wh are coming to see He me during the Holidays you will have to ring a few Changes on your Grammar Pronunciation and Accent AccentI I When you saw me just now you ou should I I have said aid Matilde I am indeed de delighted deI I lighted to welcome you Home I trust tru that you ou are enjoying good Health Brace ree up Papa Pape Your Execution is very y ft h he be repeated Matilde had the Family Bible and andt t home a new Name M L The change may be effected in from six to nine Weeks W What Came Out in the Wash WashA WashA KIND of Rough Bough Carpenter Carenter to in the A Verse Vente Line lne one day held MId his Head Heed with b Me left Hand while with the free Wins Wing wt be he carved the Ute following eat cut t of 0 a solid Block ek of the English h Lest Lan Language guage using a Fountain Pen Pee It was a sentimental e tal Song entitled George Ade U i tf o Oh Ob When ho be had bad it Done on both I sides eideE sid h be read it over and admitted that I It was exceedingly It seemed to him that Hurry Harry B Smith SaUth would have to tou use u a Want yant Ad to recover Cover r his hie Laurels and the Private Muse MUM of W V S Gilbert would b be awful Jealous The LIttle Thing that he right out oat of his Head ran ranas ranas ranas as follows Oh Gentle Maid with Byes Eyes so no blue Oh Glances so altering alluring Oh Constant be anti and ever True Tru When W oa I 1 am far away Oh Mild Coquette with Dimples rare Oh O Love will be enduring I Oh Say sy that others you yon 11 U for swear And name liam the happy Day It was WaB such a Nest Neat Thing to bo be done by Hand that he be took it to a Friend who worked in a Music Mu tc Store and had It t measured for an Air Then they had bad the Ditty printed In Sheet Form with a Cover in two Colors Colon They used to sit alt around aro nd for Hours and sing sine it and pelt each other with Bouquets The Composer Com er knew an incipient Melba who was about to spring on the Public as soon as the Public wa t looking She bad had a Voice that bad had been gone over and sandpapered by b a and she c promised to sing it at a Church Musicale It was a large Crimson Night t for tor ye Author When iten he hg went up to the Church Parlors to in hear bear hi his Work translated into Soprano He shook like a while waiting alUag for his Number to be called At last she floated to the Foot FootLights FootLights FootLights Lights She wore a Gown that cost coat liD CartWheels but she never earned the Ute theMon theMon Mon Yon by singing Her Voice go goas gou goas as u far as that The Accompanist jockeyed for tor awhile on In the Piano and anti then tRen Emma Emm amoe es No 2 got rid of th the following may wee hisaw bl w Maw Glons aw aw aw haw When Whoa hi om ont fob MI win raw nw Law be ww Hay Just Jut then there rt was a Shriek and aDd an loA Author in a stew new Suit of Evening Clothes Clothe was Wall discovered writhing on the tM Floor trying to bite bitt the Legs lAp off the Chairs Chain MORAL KORAL Never allow any an one else to use see your private Masterpieces How One Brave Puts W rk d Him wa Himself tnt self Into the YOUNG Men Man who WM wee A around amund In So Society learned ta teat i among the Women omen of his hi Acquaint Acquaintance ance the Olive Olin with Red Rfd Peppers was wu more popular than the GumDrop Up to that time he had bad been en dealing in tn GumDrops Gum om omI GumDrops Drops Drop He had worked along on the I Theory that m my Lady Lali Isabelle hankered for nothing but sugarcoated Compliments Compliments ments monte All AU the other You Young Fellows fol tol followed followed lowed the same Method If It their Con Conversation Conversation had bad been set et to Music they could have bave done it as SUI 3 a Chorus He broke away an and 1 played the Candid CaDdie Friend game me Instead of praising her Costume he would tell t n her on the Q T that some other color tolor was more becom oom becoming ing big He would deliberately pick a Quarrel Quarrel rel ret so as to have hae a warm wann little Tiff and anda a Reconciliation They began be n to be afraid of turn him and they paid more At Attention to him When be he did yield a Point and aDd bestow a Smile of Praise the Lady knew it was Sincere In the mean mn time dIRe all an the Boys in la the Second Division could not understand und why the Women W en took such an af ad Interest in one who was given to Sour Comments They never seemed to grasp TUP the FaCt Fart that the Olive OU stuffed with Red Peppers is an Antidote for Gum GUIlt Drops Drop MORAL Even Sincerity becomes monotonous when made a regular re Diet Copyright Co ht MM 1101 by Robert Howard d Rue Rus RusselL RueselL selL |