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Show AN EXPENSIVE UNCLE. ! !c fcii ml Iiih wife crying. "What's Ik; ira.'cr, . deary?" he ntiii'tj. Ho kiifw it m;is no fault of his .-mil this made him LolJ. "Tell me our troubles, lovcy." Klio looked up, her eyes dim with vve(!)ini;. "for i ho firbt time in our married life, dear, I fed inhospitable," the replied. re-plied. "(io on." "Every year I have Invited uncle ,anil auntie to visit us." "Yob?" "This year 1 cannot ask them." "And why?" "I have just remembered," she said, "that uncle expects to have meal at every meal! " And it was a long time before he could comfort her. Nothing to Worry About. The First Unskilled Things ain't dein' well at 'ome, Hil. The Second Unskilled Wot's up? The-'irst Unskilled It's the Missus alius worryin' fer money, mornin', noon an' night. The Second Unskilled Wot she do wiv it orl? The First Unskilled 'Ow the blank-ety blank-ety blank am I ter know I never give 'er none yet. Sketch. WHAT HE COULDN'T STAND. Goodly Sir, I am surprised to hear you swearing at the heat. - WSjat will you do in the next world, where there's not a drop of water to moisten your parched Crowly Are you sure there's no water there? floodly l-ositive. Urowly Ah! Then there's no humidity; hu-midity; that's what knocks me. I can stand for the heat. A Fake. Uncle Ezra Howdy, Eben. Just back from California,'! see. Must be a great place. They say there Is sun-E'ne sun-E'ne there the year 'round. Uncle Eben That is just one of them fake western yarns. Every day I was there, along at the end of the afternoon night came, just the same as It does here. Jonah. Thy films' poor Jonah in the sea; The captain, who was cross, Raia: " "fis a case, it seems to me, of prophet and of loss." Woman's Home Companion. The Work of Time. "Ten years ago," he complained, "1 was denounced as a dangerous radical. rad-ical. Now they are referring to me as a reactionary." "You ought to give up the habit of changing your opinions." "But, confound it, I haven't changed them." 1 They Knew All About It. "You must have lived in a little Scotch town," remarked a busy London Lon-don woman, "to appreciate the pinpoints pin-points of interest to which a village in ay be reduced and the absolute publicity pub-licity of your every movement in such a place." "Once while I was Tisittng at home I happened to be lying down when -eallers came, so my mother did not disturb me. At tea time other callers arrived, and by way of making conversation con-versation one of them said to me very Bweetly : " 'We hear you've been lying down.' " Harper's Bazar. No Fraction Left. During the cotton-picking season in Texas a colored brother who had none into the country to work return-id return-id very much disgusted. "Didn't you git no offahs ter pick no cotton?" asked a friend. "Sech ez dey was. White man done offered me one-third o' what Ah could pick. Ah done tuk a look at de field .n' saw dat w'en it wah all picked it wouldn't amount ter one-third. So Ah done lit out fer home!" Would Be Better. Prison Missionary Don't you think that after you regain your liberty you can do better? Burglar Well, I'll know enough not to have another pal that's so deaf he can't hear a pliceman till he's right on us. A True Believer. "I always believe in saving something some-thing for a rainy day." "How much have you saved?" "Oh, I haven't saved anything, but I believe In It." GOOD CAUSE. i f w i w I W mi VI "We played bridge at the Densely'a j last night and had a dull evening ol ' it." "Then you lost, eh?" Bought and Paid For. ' "You say this is worth $5," said the wary customer. "Now, do you guar- j antee that I'm getting $5 worth of j value for my money?" "Five dollars worth of value!" flashed flash-ed the bright young clerk. "Why, mister, for every one of them things we turn out there's four middlemen, seventy-eight drummers, five banks, two railroad pools, eighteen advertising advertis-ing agencies, seven lawyers and 842 billboards all running up expense accounts ac-counts and adding value to that there article so fast that the company's practically giving you the 34 cents spent on patent royalties, shop upkeep, up-keep, raw material and labor." Puck. His One Accomplishment. "What's your hurry?" "I've got to dress a chicken today," to-day," said the young matron. "Oh, do let me go over and help you," entreated the prospective bride. "I used to love to dress dolls." The Best Part of It. Hokus Hello, old man. Back In town again, eh? How did you enjoy your vacation? Pokus Well, I'm so glad to get home again that I'm glad now I went." New Y'ork Times. THESE VACATIONS. Dr. Phil Graves What you need Is a vacation. Prospective Patient I've just come back from one. Another one would kill me. Conscience-Stricken. "Major Pounds is a pugnacious old fellow. He told me yesterday he was always smelling powder." "Good gracious! I wonder if he saw me putting some on my nose!" A Timid Tradesman. Clock Drummer I've got the finest line of alarm clocks on the market, Mr. Schmidt. Schmidt Veil, you can't sell me any alarm clocks dis season. Clock Drummer Why? Schmidt Veil, I tell you. Dis is a year ven dey elect a bresident. And effery candidate, mit all dem campaigners, cam-paigners, vill run apout de gountry and 'view mit alarms'!" Judge. Natural Query. The Old-Timer Yes, sir, we had two ice crops 'his winter. The Newcomer to the Country That speaks pretty well for this section. I'm glad we moved out here. What kind of water do you plant? Woman's Home Companion. Quite Edible. Gushing Matinee Girl Don't you think the handsome leading man between be-tween the terrified heroine and the desperate villain, looks just sweet enough to eat? Cold-Blooded Friend Exactly; a regular "ham" sandwich. A Wretched Place. "Oh, dear," said the young woman with a weary sigh, as she tossed aside the volume, "I'm so unhappy." "What's the trouble?" asked the young man. "There isn't a library in this town where one can get a book that's unfit to read." Awaiting a Delegation. "Do you know that your daughter ii engaged?" "I know it, of course, but as yet I haven't been officially notified." |