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Show Those who swore off Jan. 1 are apt, ten days later, to recall an oft-quoted excerpt metamorphosed into- slang, namely: "Off again, on again, Flanni- . gan!" It is nothing short of bravery on midnight of the old year to snap one's fingers in the face of the devil., and tell him to go there! It is satis-, fyi.ng, too, to ride down town next lay feeling like a saint with a halo. To be sure, there is a bit of embarass-ment embarass-ment in apprising your friends that you are "on the water wagon." The fact that it is customary to run up against many such little suggestions of this sort Jan. 1 is in your favor, and your friends smile condescendingly, and excuse you courteously. A week later, however, the highway of life is strewn with good resolutions, slightly shopworn, and it takes more courage to say, "No, thank you, I am not tak- An exchange says the first adver- - tisement appeared in 1652. We are Informed . otherwise. The first advertiser adver-tiser was Adam and the originator of the ad was Eve. It was alonj, about sundown in'the Garden of Eden. The i golden orb in setting was streaking tne sky with auriole and purple spinn ing anything." ; , You brace yourself by recalling all the misery that traces its woe from the wine cup. Othello says: . , j "Oh, thou invisible spirit. of wine, if thou hast no name to lie known by, let us eall thee devil." ; And you agree with him. It helps dor, and the katydids were preparing to begin their regular eventide as"ser-i as"ser-i tions that "Katy did!" and "Katy didn't!" The weather was balmy like, a perfumed woman in a theater wrap, anu the crisp sea-breezes from the garden fountains blew invigoratingly. In the "tableau of red fire and amid the scent of the jacque-roses, Adam and Eve wandered discussing marital affairs! "We certainly need one," asserted Eve, shying a nice; straight stick at a bell-flower apple and catching it as it fell, again proving the Isaac Newton theory of gravitation. "But I haven't any jack-knife with you to be strong. You believe witn "The Ttoran" there is a devil' in-every berry of the grape. Robert Hall advises ad-vises to call things by their right names. Not "brandy and water,", but "a glass of liquid fire and . distilled damnation." The comparison carries you over another day and had it not been for that awful cold you caught, you would still be saying, "No, I thank you, I am not drinking anything." But you got the grip, and then John Barleycorn Bar-leycorn got the grip on you. Alas, the good resolutions, where are they? Gone where the woodbine twineth and the whangdoodle mourneth for its young, which he can cut his fingers," expostulated expos-tulated Adam, "and there isn't a boy in the whole neighborhood to teach him to chew tobacco!" "Yes, yes, I l:now!" interrupted Eve -with her mouth full of apple and irri-tableness. irri-tableness. "I understand, but we must "have one just the same, for I have been working for hours on a lot of leaf-"breeches leaf-"breeches .and bark-undershirts and a flower-hat with a feather I pulled from the tail of the bird of paradise in it. The year ahead will be one long diawn out period of high-balls, Reis-: Reis-: ling and self-indulgence. "Swear not at all" is as good advice in matters of this sort as when, in love and affection, affec-tion, Juliet warned Romeo of the changeful moon. The very fact of swearing off is a temptation that man, a strange creature, does not often resist. re-sist. The way to resume is to resume, the way to quit bad habits is to quit them without flourish or chafing re- We simply can't get along without one!" and she stamped her foot determinedly de-terminedly on the garden asphalt! "But, my dear," cried Adam in anger, reaching for the core of her apple, "how can we get one in this circusle6s and dogless place?" "Advertise!" said Eve, and the next day Adam painted a big sign in mud on the Garden of Eden gate, and it Tead much like those you ee nowadays: solves. We believe it was Lytton, in "Lucille," "Lu-cille," who insists that while man can live without literature, art and books, "civilized man cannot live without cooks." Hence man must have cooks. How to get one and keep her is a problem intricate and puzzling. ' This reminds us of the experience experi-ence of a friend. A bit of a girl, weight eight pounds, arrived at his bouse and he needed help. The ideal maid he had boasted of quit to get married just before the baby came. It is surprising how many chances to marry domestics get along about the time for the stork's arrival in the family. "But anyway," as the Irishman says in the farce comedy, com-edy, the friend advertised for a maid and' a nurse. He advertised again and again. At last a young woman an- ' BOY WANTED. : : Inquire within. Best of parent- : : age guaranteed. Liberal reward : : for information that will lead to : : capture. ; . N b, Special commission to : Mr. and Mrs. Adam and Eve. : In a short time there was something doing in the garden that was more interesting in-teresting than auriole and purple sunsets, sun-sets, and after it was all over, the cry '- of a boy was heard in the land, the i. Avail of Cain, the first kid that ever whooped her up because the thorn in his diaper wasn't pinned straight and Eve said to Adam: "I told you so!" , About thi time Cain had learned to coo like then heavenly doves in the cupola cu-pola of the garden unicorn house, Abl was found one morning on the doorstep door-step and Eve said again and again: "I told you so! I told you so! But Adam didn't say a word. He iust went o-ut to the front gate and yanked that sign down quicker than ilg"nwouldn't take $10,000,000 apiece for those kids," he grumbled, 'but I wouldn't give a nickel for another, so I'll quit advertising!" And it was so! Selah! swered, but left in alarm upon learning learn-ing there was a baby in the house and no nurse yet secured to take the trained nurse's place. By this time the husband and father was progressing progress-ing rapidly in household affairs and had learned to wash dishes as neatly as anybody. Then, one bright, cheerful cheer-ful day, he got a girl. She looked strong and willing but he soon learned to his consternation that she was too frail to wash, too clumsy to care for the baby, couldn't cook the simplest dishes, and, worst of all, could not speak English. He asked for coffee and got. a boiled potato. His wife grew a bit strong and did most of the work until one day the friend told the new girl she wouldn't do. She put an advertisement in the paper one time and got ; -forty-seven answers Next day the maiden went away, and as she left she called back over her shoulder In the Swedish language: "What are the wild waves saying? ' Now what do you think of that? Count Taeggi, an Italian, has invent ed a carrier system whereby mall . can be conveyed from Chicago to New York city in four hours. n other words a man may write a letter to New York in his Chicago office durin the early morning and receive an answer an-swer before he leaves for ' dinner night. The achievement on the part o gthe fellow kinsman of Mascagni to some "pumpkins," so to Peafar r behind the times. There is Marconi vlth his wireless telegraph. He to several Christmas trees ahead of the Count Taeggi. and even Marconi is too slow for this day and age. w&en frisky little stomach. A writer insinuates that a pretty miss likes to be near the young man when he finds a red ear at the husk-ine husk-ine narty! The mere suggestion calls for a refutation! The scribbler who thus slanders woman must have browsed around old maids and widows during his adolescent days. We appeal ap-peal to the man who has sipped the honey from the chalice of the llly-of-"alley and the bluebell! Did you ever get a communion of osculation with a pretty miss without holding her in a corner? Of course not! The pettier the miss, the harder to kiss n t Sat your experience? Certainly T is only the third class kissing that hangs around a man's corn-corner paying for red ears! The minute the bene of the corn crib sees a red ear she is on her feet like a boy that has heen hit with a bean-shooter. Her cry Sf alarm echoes through the gables and she scurries away like a rabbrt Phased by a shepherd dog. The man So gets'that toll from her lips must rf course, we don t te frsay that she doesn't like it m!a .L Jets it but she certainly tSU thft&h is worth having fs worth hustling for-and she la right. |