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Show EASY FOR THE PROFESSOR. "And now," said the professor, as f.h; regular class exercises were finished, fin-ished, "Is there any question any of the young ladies would like to ask?" "How is it, professor," asked the fluffy-haired maiden at the pedal extremity ex-tremity of the feminine bunch, "that Father Time Is always represented as being bald headed?" "That In easily explained," the learned one replied. "So many young young people during their school days grasp Time by the forelock In trying to get away from the foot of the class that his hair has all been pulled out. See?" And the girl at the foot said never a word In reply. DISTANCE LENDS ENCHANTMENT j& S3 He She said my bass sounded like distant thunder. She Yes; I thought myself It was away off. Canine Wisdom. "Will your dog bite?" asked the barnstorming comedian. "No," replied the village innkeeper, "he won't bite people " Just then the self-confessed actor let out a howl as the canine got a strangle hold on his leg. "Hut," continued the landlord, "he'll bite a ham any old day." Good Advice. Choose pianos for your models. Copy them with tireless care; For their attitude Is always Either upright, grand or square. Contrary to Precedent. ""It certainly Is curious." "What is?" "Dubwaito's attitude toward the Play." , "Well?" "lie actually praises the performance." perform-ance." "Still, I don't understand." "And he came in on a pass." His Record. Myer Who is the man across the way with the gold medal on his coat? Gyer Oh, that's Speeder. He holds the gasoline record. Myer Gasoline record! Gyer Yes; ran over thirteen people with his gasoline buggy in one afternoon. No Demand for It. "There are all kinds of correspondence correspond-ence schools nowadays." "Quite true, but as long as there is a vacant lot left in the land, there won't be much inducement for anybody any-body to open a correspondence school f baseball." Swamped. "You said you would have a walkover." walk-over." "That's what I thought," answered the defeated candidate, ruefully. "I had it, all right, but not in the way I expected." "Yes?" "The entire field walked over me." Superior Wisdom. "What is that ruddy glow in the sky?" asked the visitor. "That," replied the old resident, "Is a furnace making a run." "Come now. None of your spoofing. I happen to know that your bally furnaces fur-naces are not on wheels." WELLT "Walter, are you insane? What do you mean by bringing me a dish ot peanuts when I am nearly famished?" "Pardon me, sir; but when you came in you said you had the appetite of an elephant, so this is what I thought would Just suit you." A Careful Man. I "I never saw a man so afraid of catching cold as Tompkins is." "Is he really?" "I should say so. Why, I've heard that whenever he takes a bath he stops up all the holes in the sponge for fear of draft." Steak With Truffles. "The horse has been supplanted by the automobile." "Yes, to a great extent. But the horse has got on the menu card now, and I don't see how the automobile automo-bile is ever going to supplant him there." Practically Put. "This orator says the government safeguards pigs better than it does children." "Well, why not?" asked the man with ferret eyes. "That's monstrous." "Oh, I don't know. Pigs are an asset. as-set. Children are a liability." ' Yea, Verily! When a man's wife finds a perfumed note In his pocket, then her condition In different from that of Caesar's wife For she's not quite above suspicion. High Art. "Here is a picture," said Neurich, who has made his pile in munitions, "that I paid ten thousand dollars for In Paris." "You don't say!" exclaimed his friend from the tall grass district. W:hy, the frame must be solid gold." Its Source. Mrs. Gaddy Mrs. Richly has so much embonpoint. Mrs. Comeup And I bet she brags she imported it like everything else she has, from Paris. Easier. "Don't you want to be a leader of the people?" "It's hard work to be a real leader," commented Senator Sorghum. "It's usually easier to get aloug by jollying the crowd." Pertinent Query. "There's a man who never finds fault." "Yes," replied Miss Cayenne; "but is it because he is patient and forbearing, for-bearing, or because he is too indolent to notice what is going on?" STILL ON THE RUSH. De Quiz I haven't seen anything in the papers lately about Kicker, the great football player of a few seasons ago. Is he dead? De Whiz Dead? No. He's more terrible than ever; he drives a racing automobile now. His Merits. "We object to the young man who is courting our daughter because he is a shoemaker." "Wby, a shoemaker is the best sort of a man, because he is usually whole-aoled whole-aoled and well heeled." Horrendous. "I had a dreadful nightmare last pight." "Tell me about it." "I dreamed I was trying to dodge a cross-eyed woman who was driving a motor car." Men vs. Apples. This world is like an apple barrel, If you to think will stop; You'll find the biggest men and fruit Are always on the top. Facts In the Case. Old Lady (to drunken beggar) Aren't you ashamed to ask for alms? Beggar Yesh'm, but I only (hie) do It when I'm (hie) full an' can't work at me (hie) trade. Old Lady What is your trade? Beggar I'm a (hie) burglar, ma'am. Wonder How He Knew. "In writing the short story," said the editor to the literary aspirant, "you should always emulate thi pawnbroker." pawn-broker." "In what way?" asked the aspiring one. "Never permit the interest to lag," replied the editor. Impossible Feat. Irate Father Don't think, young man, you can walk into this house and hang up your hat. Timid Suitor I know I can't sir. 'You're sitting on It. J |