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Show THE ZEPHYR AUGUST 1990 PAGE 12 an for tourists guide their ex-range- rs how not to make day by Jim Stiles This la a practical aurvtval guide to the national parka. The Information here la not about how much water to carry on the trad, or what kind of ahoea to wear on sllckrock, or whether wearing a hat In the deaert will aave your nose from ending up like Reagan'a. th with advice on how to Instead this la written to provide like look Park who National Service field that the the Is, guys rangers park rangers. rangers, who ones sweat performing physical labor, the they do real work, who actually break a actually know where Navajo Arch la, can be a surly lot I happen to know that Is true, because for many years I was a ranger and at times I was surly. As I recall, I could also be down-to-ear- co-ex- lat sarcastic. tourists will descend on the parks this and millions of mostly summer. The park rangers, also mostly stand guard to protect the park from the visitors and the visitors from each other and themselves. This Is accomplished by enforcing "Rules and Regulations. This leads to conflict and dispute. Tourists can get angry at rangers. And rangers thus become surly and sarcastic. It's not a pleasant sight These hints are Intended to prevent confrontations. By no means am I trying to take a condescending attitude toward tourists. Gosh no. After all, now that Ive hung up my Smokey Bear hat for good, I am after all, God help me, a tourist myself. Lets start at the beginning. APPROACHING THE ENTRANCE STATION: You have Just entered the park and you are about to pay your fee. First of all, try not to look Ilka this: Millions well-meani- well-meani- ng ng, communication was somehow However, the boss felt that this type of non-verInappropriate. Tourists need a lot of (Erection. They want directions to the toilet the campfire circle, the billhead, the visitor center, the Jeep road, the campground, the water faucet, the nearest phona, the nearest town. I believe I understand your apparent helplessness. People get tired of thinking. People have to think everyday. Decisions have to be made, seven days a week, month after month. And then, finally, vacation time rolls around And who wants to think while theyre on vacation? Once, a man In an old Cadillac flagged me down near the entrance to the campground. "How do I get out of here? he said. He was breathing heavily. "Just follow the road youre on m It makes a loop and takes you right back out of the park, I answered. "No It wont No It WONT." He was very upset "Ive been around this loop four times and I can't get out!" The man was near hysteria. His mother, seated beside him, appeared to be sbout 110 years okL She was trembling and trying to read the map. She held It against the lens of her glasses, but the map appeared to be upside down. "But sir, I Implored, "All you hsve to do Is -- "Look, he Interrupted, you're a ranger. Youre supposed to help people like me. I looked at the man and his mother. He was right "Follow me, I said. I climbed Into the patrol car and led them to the road Junction. "Just go thataway," I said. thought that was north, he mumbled. The next day I heard that his mother accidentally locked herself In the broom closet at Arches Visitor Center. There Is another type of tourist rarer but Just as Interesting. The educated tourist the professional tourist who spends months preparing for the big trip. He eends for books and brochures and maps on all the places he Intends to visit By the time he arrives, the guy thinks he knows more sbout his Intended destination than the people who live there. Once, one of these traveling dilettantes, on his way to Canyonlands and Lake Powell, stopped at Ken Sleight's book store In Moab, Utah. He walked up to Yvonne Renee "Skeeter Pierson, the store manager, and asked smugly, "What are the latest developments In the Everett Reuss case? (Everett Reuse, a young wanderer and romantic, vanished In the Escalante Canyons over 50 years ago.) "Well, Skeeter replied, "as far as we know, he's still dead The guy looked depressed Ted the truth and what happens? Maybe she should UFO theory. Yea, actually Everett waa abducted by have recounted the small reptilian creaturea with webbed toes. CAMPING: You're driving Into the park or Into the campground and you see s large sign. It says: bal 1 extra-terrestr- ial The ranger Inside the Box, as we used to call It, has probably been breathing exhaust fumes for hours snd Is not always In a good mood. Its hard to smile all day and O.O. on carbon monoxide. Be aympathetlc. When you pull up to the entrance station, know where you are. This Is very Important Although I successfully avoided the Box for years, It finally caught up with me during my last season. Once a car pulled up to the window; I started to hand the driver a map of the park, but before I could, he shoved his own brochure In my face and asked me to pinpoint his location on the map. I glanced at the map and was momentarily stymied - there were no recognizable names. Then I turned the brochure over and looked at the other side. "Excuse me, I said, "but this Is a map of Bryce Canyon. "Yes, I know, he replied. "But youre not at Bryce Canyon, I explained. "I'm not?" He stared blankly at me. Just slightly confused but not particularly concerned. Then slowly It all came back to him. "Walt ... you're right I was at Bryce Canyon yesterday. Where am I today? "This Is Arches National Park. "Arches? Really? Well that's fine. Thank you so much. Youve been a (peat help. the Keep up good work. THE VISITOR CENTER: This Is not an original thought, but It deserves to be restated. Before you ask the question, before the rangers behind the counter level you with one of those scornful glares, ask yourself: Can I find the toilet by myself? Of course you can. And when you find the porcelain throne with no assistance whatsoever, youll feel good about yourself and the rangers will respect you as well. I once became so weary of giving directions to the bathroom that I finally hung a algn around my neck. All I had to do was point to my sign: CAMPGROUND FULL NO OVERNIGHT PARKING NEAREST CAMPING, MOAB 23 MILES One of the most dangerous things a tourist In a national park can do Is not armwrestling a rattlesnake of making love In a cactus patch. No, Indeed The most provocative act any tourist can perpetrate Is to walk up to a park ranger after reading that big wooden sign and Innocently ask, "Is the campground really hill? 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