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Show fkl.Phillipr IS LUKE TWITCHELL 0 INDUCTION Dear Elmer: Well, I am in the army, but I won't be much help to it for a long time on account of being all worn out by the physical examination. exami-nation. I had an idea it was easy to get into a war today, but I find it is almost impossible. I can't make out yet whether I was being examined for the army or for a Mister America Amer-ica contest. My great-great-grandfather fought at Bunker Hill when he had flat feet, a complete set of false teeth and one glass eye. Always I have the idea that what counts is how a man can flght and not what shape his teeth are in or whether he has had his tonsils out, but do I learn different! Even when I was examined for life insurance it wasn't so tough. Five times I try to explain to the doctors getting into the army wasn't my idea anyhow, and that I showed up because Uncle Sam invited me, and why treat me like I was trying to put something over? What was I drafted for, anyhow, a war or a screen test? ' What gets me is the way they go over my teeth. Say, ain't it enough ryR v. si I should lick Hitler Hit-ler without being expected to eat him? They poke around my uppers up-pers and lowers like they suspected suspect-ed I was using somebody else's teeth and they find trouble I didn't even know I had with 'em. If my teeth don't give me no trouble, why should they worry the United States army in a time like this? I will lav von two tn nne that Nanoleon's teeth were punkeroo and I think I read a piece once what said Julius Caesar, George Washington, U. S. Grant and most of the Green Mountain Moun-tain boys didn't see their dentists twice a year, either. They go over my eyes, too, like they thought they was examining a guy who was making an application appli-cation to become a watch inspector. inspec-tor. I have been wearing glasses for a couple of years and I don't have no trouble IK getting around in civilian clothes, so what makes 'em so worried I won't be able to recognize an enemy army when I see it? All my life I have no complaints about my ears, but these fellows at the induction look 'em over, make tests and shake their heads as if they thought they were the kind of ears that MIGHT wear out too early ear-ly in life. When I think it is all over they go over my feet, which are in swell shape like most Americans on account nobody no-body in this country uses feet any more. Everybody either drives an auto or is a hitch-hiker. Their feet are good now, but wait until they have been doing army patrol six months! Well, anyhow, I barely get in on account I am six points short of being the Perfect Man and once had asthma. I Yours for a war anybody can get ( into, i Luke. WOMEN AND DEFENSE ("E. V. McCollum of Johns Hopkins told the meeting that the women of America could help In the defense program by 1 seeing that their menfolks got j proper food." News Hem.) Ladies, would you help defense? Would you make your country I stronger? Feed your menfolks with more care Do not serve that hash much longer! Do you want our coastline safe From the batterings of Dover? Have a heart and do not chirp, "Honey, this was just left over." Are you for preparedness? Do you want the future sunny? Cut that old line, "Sorry, but We're just having cold cuts, honey!" In this business of leasing war supplies to England. Elmer Twitchell hopes we don't wind up with nothing noth-ing but a mortgage on a couple of smoke screens. Well, nobody can say our defense program hasn't a lag to stand on. SIMILES As unconvincing as a bald magi-! magi-! cian. ! As well spaced as a banquet menu. Martin Ragaway. |