What Volume Two There it a strong sense, here at Zephyr Central, that it must be illegal to publish photographs of faces being licked by humans. If Gillian Anderson was a dog. it would be fine. Taking no chances, however, we have censored ourselves. Which is lame. THOUGHTLESS MOTORISTS IN FRONT OF THE POST OFFICE OK... Let's take care of the really important stuff first A couple of years ago, the Postal Service moved its outside mail boxes to the cutb on 1st North. It was a bad location and eventually they found a more suitable spot in the back of the building. But while the boxes were in front, the city painted the curb by the mail receptacles red to designate it as a 'no parking' zone. After the boxes were moved, the red curb remained, although it is no longer a 'no parking' area. But tourists don't know that. Only we the beleaguered locals know that parking along that small stretch of red curb is legal. It's like a little perk for the home town folks. And there is plenty of room for two cars to park there. So what happens about half the time? Some fathead local (and it's almost always a Moabite) pulls up to the curb and parks his or her vehicle right smack in the middle of the space, making it impossible for another car or truck to squeeze in there as well. What is wrong with you people? Do you think you're the only living beings on the planet? Do you think the sun revolves around you? Give somebody else a break will you? Pull to the front of the open curb for ciyin' out loud! Thank you. full-siz- ed two-vehic- le GENERATION X This may not be the diatribe you expect. When Generation X first established itself as the rightful heirs to the Boomer Generation and a new unto itself I thought: This truly is the end of civilization as we know it Admitting at the outset that this was a gross and unfair generalization of millions of human beings, I could not believe what I was seeing and hearing. I mean, really, I complained...what a bunch of whiners. When they proclaimed crap like, "The world is hopeless, so I'm going to smoke cigarettes and die young, but I'm going to smoke American Spirits because the tobacco is organically grown," I wanted to smack a couple of them. However, one day some time ago I was frothing about Generation X and my g who happened to be a member (but not a member) of Gen X and who had grown weary of my diatribes said, "But you think things are hopeless, don't sub-cultu- re card-carryin- you?" "Well, yes," I replied, "Bu- t-" By American men and thousands of young American women joined the armed services, willing and ready to give their lives to defeat the Axis aggressors, (Hitler, Mussolini, Tojo) and their black vision of world conquest With the end of the war in 1945, there was the the planet. glowing hope that a new era of peace and tranquility would shape to college on the GJ. went So all the young men and women got together and the guys Bill and the soldiers traded their uniforms for grey flannel suits and they all had way too many babies and making mortgage payments and paying credit card bills became a war unto itself. And 50 years later, the World War II veterans are spending their golden years built-i- n microwaves and satellite tooling around the country in 63 foot motoihomes with dishes (more on this Lame Topic later). They defeated Hitler for this? Or how about The Baby Boomer Generation? These are my people. We rebelled against our greedy parents who expected us to follow in their footsteps. We rejected their materialistic ways and said the world should "Make Love. Not War." We protested. We marched in the streets. Tried drugs. We claimed that we listened to the beat of a different drummer. And we did. You'll never see a Boomer driving a Cadillac for example; we prefer a Lexus. We build huge showcase homes. Or huge showcase second homes. But by golly, the homes were made from at least 5 recycled materials. We didn't have a passel of kids; we waited until later in life to have children, but when we had one (or two, max), we spoiled the little monster so completely that one child in the 90s is as annoying as three children in the 50s. And as consumptive too. These kids could be sent to their rooms and live there for years without ever coming out they're totally equipped. mind-alteri- ng So, after all this, I had come to the conclusion that Generation X might be the first honest generation to come along in human history. Frankly, I was impressed. And then I read a cover story in TIME magazine, called "You called us slackers. You dismissed us as Generation X Well move over. We're not what you thought." What the hell was this, I wondered. So I turned to page 58 and learned the whole sad truth. According to the article's author (believe-it-or-no- t) Margot Homblower, things are not as they appear. Says I Iomblowcr, "They were supposed to be slackers, cynics, drifters. But don't be fooled by their famous pose of repose. Lately, more and more of them are prowling for the better deal, hunting down opportunitics...flocking to technology startups, founding small businesses and even taking up causes." Taking up causes? I was devastated. There was Dineh Mohajer who, at age 24, started her own cosmetics company and had sales last year of $10 million. Or some guy named Kevin Smith a writerdirector at age 26 who has been called the "king of Gen X cinema." And all these other too numerous to mention. So now I don't know what to think. Is Generation X just as hypocritical as the rest of us? Is it too late to hope that perhaps they'll rediscover their roots and return to their slacker selves? I can only hope. over-achieve- rs CORPORATE BANKS This one has been gnawing at me a for a year. Back in the old days, when it was First Western National Bank, I kept a safety deposit box there. I had it for 20 years and each January, I paid my yearly rental fee. When Zions took over a couple of years ago, I got a phone call from the bank, saying I was overdue on my box payment. "No I'm not," I told them and dug up the canceled check to prove that I had paid for two years' rental. "Sorry," they said. So a few months later, I stopped by to put the title to my truck in the box, but when I tried to turn the key, it wouldn't budge. "That's strange," said the bank employee. And then another person came up and said, "Oh number 23? You never paid your bill so we drilled out your box." N We said in the last issue that Terry Knouff was a ringer for a young JFK... 702 S. Main, Moab 259-573- 1 HARDWARE SPORTS RECREATION All in one store Stiles But maybe there was something to this. I considered the last two most conspicuous generations of Americans: The World War II Generation. An entire planet went to war and millions of young OUT-OF-TOW- "And while you don't smoke cigarettes, you do subsist on a diet of hot peanuts, sunflower seeds and Coca Cola. Is that any more healthful for you than tar and nicotine?" "Well, no but " "Well then," she said as she gave me the Look of Scorn only my 2nd to last, etc., etc could give, "What's the problem?" "OK," I replied, "I see your point. But don't you think they should at least try to save the world? Even if it is hopeless?" She finished her coffee and said, 'I have to go to work. See you later." I cannot tolerate women who are half my age and twice as smart. Yes I can. No I can't...? Jim But when the moon is full and the hounds are howling, could it be that Terry is really. Cbfctt iflutraiter??? He's howling to serve you.