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Show opinion/ MONDAY-FEBRUARY 13 '2006 A7 So you're saying there's a chance more than the Sunday comics, US Weekly, and their school assignments. Unfortunately, this counts out the majority of cosmetologists and elementary education majors, so my percentage was 25%. If it's not a priority for your spouse to be "edumacated" then bump it up. AmmonVanOrden Opinions Editor Most of us realize that there's more than just one perfect match for us. So the next question that arises is, exactly how many people are we compatible with? Well I'm glad you asked, because I have the answer. If you're like me, you're tired of family and friends asking you when you're going to get married. My personal favorite is when old girl friends who broke up with you ask you why it's taking you so long to tie the knot. (Well maybe if you weren't such a heartless tramp I would be.) After years of studying statistics, the Utah County census and my own personal preferences in the opposite sex, I have devised I scientific way to measure how many potential matches I have in the area down to the hundredth of a percent. Here's how it works. First, you take the number of residents in Utah County between the ages of 13 and 30 - that comes out to roughly 100,000 with an almost equal ratio of guys and girls. Bringing the pool down to 50,000 candidates. Step two involves answering eight questions about your personal preferences in a mate. /. Availability. This percentage includes counting out everyone who is either married, dating or not seeking a relationship. I put it at about 33% of every girl is available. That percentage should stay the same for everyone. 2. What percentage of the opposite sex do you find attractive? For me personally I would say about 7%. 1 You might be one who likes anything with two legs or who likes people for what's on the inside. If so, boost that percentage rate up and consider yourself blessed. 3. Can they read, and do you care? I am seeking someone who can read sin. I answered 75%. Politics/Income compatibility. Don't put too much thought into this unless your parents make over seven figures a year and they are expecting a large dowry when they give you away. 66% for me. 6. Friends and Family approval. What 5. we've hit up every mall, bowling alley, pool hall, singles ward and college and we still haven't found our perfect match. I t looks like all we have left is _j£_\ high schools or going door-to-door. 4. Religious compatibility. If you are one of the many Moimons in the valley, this next number should be high. That is unless you were raised to believe that watching TV and changing out of your formal clothes on Sunday is a Box of chocolates - $12.00 Flowers and a cute little teddy bear - $25.00 are the chances that your family and friends will approve of your choice in a companion, and that your fiancee will like them. I personally have better luck with the families than with the girls themselves, so I am at 90%. But for those of you with tongue rings or dysfunctional families you might consider adjusting that number to a lower setting.. 7. Personality. What is the percentage of people that you really click with? I said 10%. Raise or lower that number depending on what percentage of the populous you feel you could be good friends with if you had the chance. 8. They like you back. This one is the real clincher. Based on my past dating history I figured 25% to be about right. All you have to do now is plug in the numbers. We started with 50,000 candidates, but only a third of those are available, so now our candidate pool is down to 16,500. If only seven percent of them are attractive then my potential mates has been reduced to 1,155. This goes on with each of the eight questions until you come up with the few, the proud, the marriageable. My mathematical formula proves that there is, in fact, more than just one right person for me. In fact there are 3.2. Percentage-wise, that means that every time I meet a girl between the ages of 18 and 30 there is a .006% chance we are made for each other. After completing this in-depth study, I was shocked to realize how many people still take the plunge with all of these factors fighting against them. There can only be three answers to this query. First, you are very lucky. Like the lottery winner, you have beaten the odds. Solution two is that you have extremely lax standards and are easy to please, so anyone will do. Third, you made a mistake and married the wrong person. If you have not discovered it by now, you will soon. For the rest of you single men and women out there good luck! You are going to need it. Romantic dinner - $50.00 For everything else there's student loans '.-.'. "•I'V.Zi:1^1 Li'".'"' 'O4^v*v^A i i£»VMilTcI/..i£^^ Get some this Valentines Day The Finch Theory was developed during my dating rampage of Y2K. After being run over a few times by girls I really cared about, I gave up pursuing a "relationship" and focused on having a good time. I found that under the right circumstances, I could makeout with nearly every girl I went out with. Being the dork that I am made that discovery very surprising. The foundation of the Finch theory is distance. If your lips come within four inches (hence f-inch) of each other, a kiss is inevitable. Obviously that's after you have completed a number of simple steps. Step One; Mutual Attraction. You must pursue someone that at LEAST thinks you're cute in a weird sort of way. If you are an average guy, work within your means. Obviously you should push your limits and set goals, just be realistic. Step Two: Get a Date. I am going to assume that at this point you are capable of finagling your way into dinner and a DVD with someone of the opposite sex. However, if you find yourself surrounded by dudes week after week, attempting to justify your sausagefest with yet another Halo tourney, just walk away. Step Three: Understanding the Physics. For some odd reason we relate the "first kiss" to the "goodnight kiss." The doorstep is the worst place for a first kiss. Aside from being far too traditional, the distance between your lips can be anywhere from three to five feet while standing on a doorstep. In addition, most homes and apartments are equipped with motion.sensor lights that make closing the gap even more uncomfortable. Step Four: Breakdown theBarriers. This point requires quite a bit of patience. It is a step by step process of advancement and assessment. After close observation, I concluded that females in general suffer from poor circulation and will be cold in virtually any room. It creates an ideal situation to eliminate the physical contact barrier. Wrapping your date in a large flannel blanket beats a lame faked yawn any day. Whether you decide to tickle her forearm or play with her hair, evaluating her response is crucial. Once she has reacted positively to at least three of your innocent physical advances, you are ready for the next step. Step Five: Set a Goal: "Castaway" is a great movie for first dates. You won't be glued to the screen and if you make it a goal to kiss her before Tom Hanks puts a face on his volleyball, your night is set. Once you have set your goal, you can gradually accommodate yourselves so that you are "cuddling" in a position where your faces are relatively close together. Whether you are sitting up or lying down, once you get your lips within 4 inches of each other, it's a done deal. You can simply tilt her chin toward you, which requires a lot less courage than ascending a staircase to an embarrassing doorstep scene. Hopefully your "goodnight kiss" will now include her slamming you into her front door so loud that it wakes up her roommates. So there you go. It sounds simple, but even for a geek like me it worked at least 45 out of 50 times during my first year of college. So while you ask yourself, "Why should 1 take dating advice from someone who spends their free time writing?" Consider this; I've never played Halo. Happy Valentines, kids! Name Witheld NOTICE OF HEARING ON UVSC TUITION Utah Valley State College is proposing to increase student tuition rates beyond the 2006-07 first-tier tuition increase (yet to be determined) for the Utah System of Higher Education to be sel by the Utah State Board of Regents. UVSC's proposed second-tier tuition increase per semester is as follows: • Resident tuition increase of 4 to 9% or $52 to $116 • Non-resident tuition increase of 4 to 9% or $191 to $406 (Oolfttr (ii>urfi reflect the increase t'nr students taking a full-time class had nf 12 to 18 credit hours) All concerned students and citizens are invited to a public hearing on the proposed increase to be held ;• Thursday, February 16, 2006, at 12 noon Computer Science & Engineering Building (CS) 404 UtahVailey State College COLLEGE TIMES • MM ' V* now online. I exceUencelaccuracyjinteghty |