Show I THE CONQUESTS I OF CONSTANCE I I Switchboard Operator at the Hotel Rich Ilich I I BY AL ALMA IA WOODWARD AnD Copyright by the Press Publishing Co THC rilE ChESTNUT J VENDER GOT th thI fiercest lore lore- loreI I I est loot foot to fit tit A was the Phone p I I 1 Maids Maid's plaint reel reel reely could maKa maK make mak a e x c cUIS cUI'S u r a io n uv uv a pair u uv hoof coverings an bring my m lunch cause Its It's usually affair a day all-day tho the matter mattor matter mat mat- That's ter tor with your foot I thought It It a natural question rl she Matter latt 4 flared as though I had gross grossly Insulted Insult Insult- ed her I 1 got such a blamed patrician toddler that there aint no shoe In a ordinary hod carrier shoe emporium to melt to Its archin lines JInes I beg your our pardon I murmured truly trul repentant She smoothed down dowil a bitTo bitTo bit To tell you ou th truth she confessed con con- tossed I dont don't know where I get et it Because m as my dad never wore soro but brogans until I got ol old enough to correct th family An lii my ma from Holn goin oln around in knitted bedroom slippers because she sho always hall had to get ct my fathers father's breakfast In a a. hurry hurn had a pair uv flappers what looked liko Ulc they'd d been bees perfected with a a. steam steamroller steamroller roller An as for grandpa But M MY ty Is th tiC cheese And she sho shoved It daintily forward d in Indisputable proof Yuh see Beo that arch she explained Well Yell they aint makin akin many shoes classy enough h for fer that curve because peoples people's pedals Is osin losh cast caNt i nowa nowa- days dUN In Us' Us time when all aU dames had extremities the they did but rest all an lla day da an then tread a minuet min mm- not at night But Bul now stand in up In lh th It subway with half haH th ti population uv tv th Ui elt city to scar yuli uh for fer or life lite IsIt is isIl isIt It Il any an- wonder that most people hUH has got ot a glass arm arm In ono one foot oot an nn an a jellyfish in th other Gee Ustin that expression reminds me mc uv another reller fel rel- ci- ci ler I called him th chestnut vender vonder cause In th two years year I knew him he never nevor tol tot mo ono Joke jOko th that t the thc they aint got preserved on stone up In th thO Metropolitan Met Met- museum Hed always start or off with Have I ever or told yuli uh th this In IA one And Anti then before before be be- fore ore yuh uh could get gel yer er wind to tell him tir th chronological table uv 11 how hov howman man many times tIt hed he'd told It It he hed he'd d launch Into th aged ned thing Tho The worst uv liv him wm that hed he'd never spring em em erR when yuh uh happy an bright an an could stand a certain amount uv gloom an throw It of off like th ducks duck's back stunt He Hed He'd always wait wail until Full yuh In th tIC mood when yuh uh hated th memory uv th yuh uh might have had then hed he'd wish himself on yuh uh an shake shale th Ui stories out of or thAn th safe sare An All th tit variety uv u him While hed he'd hedbo bo be yuh uh th same Joke jolce he hed he'd d never get Jet th point twice alike Oh Cli he U th thO fickle tickle little gink c A As soon as he hed he'd d g get t wise that yer cr weren't laughin to death over ever th old hell he'll hello go o an an make a a. new one sort one sort uv disguise dis din- guise gulso it ns as s it il were were onh only It weren't I Well Yell on account uv U his ln havin a a. bedrIdden bedridden bedridden bed bed- ridden mother who wanted to think her hel so called bO boy was popular I 1 stood h him for tor over O a n year ear Then my nerves went bad on meAn meAn me An All I got sos so's Id I'd got gel hysterical ev every ry time hed he'd shao shavo th Ut whiskers oUn th Jokes An him beans i me seemingly lau laugh h thou thought hl I enjoy enjoy- In myself Then there U no holdin him But Dut th Lh end came camo when whon I met a n girl friend what tor take him awn awa away frum me An her war cr cry ivus Oh DO tell mc me some more of yet yer tin stories You certain certainly Ita ISa IS It a hon bon So I T paid l hI hula his carfare down flown to City hall hail an I J led d him to th tit license bureau bu reau renu an I sex Get It quick made out In her name an yourn Because In after life when yer eI yuh cn i always throw up to her Imer that the only reason she married yuh uh wun because yuh Uh such a fine ai an that ought to be enough to crush her on th spot For Fesi a sane sano mand a lot rather get a rep as booby hatch graduate than as asa asa a |