Salt Lake Herald-Republican | 1913-07-27 | Page 21 | The Conquests of Constance

THE CON CONQUESTS UES s j TS OF CONSTANCE CONSTAN CE Switchboard Operator at the Hotel Rich 1 1 I BY ALMA WOODWARD ARD Copyright COP 1913 by the Co THE MimiC JO TOWN TURNIP A ALt ALL LL th uv U patriotism what hat mn may have grew In m my my- breast before wiz wua certainly turned Into lem lemon n juicer Juice jolce r this Fourth of w Jul July Constance moaned caned drearily While everybody w u uz ot off twain bavin a a Jubilee th 1 tute what I had hod count counted on to take talce rk m my place went an angot angot got reckless with a F aged lobster salad an an didn't do a a. thing but nearly have to summon a mortuary assistant It a am m mustard U 6 tar d plaster saved saved her sho shyh informed me doleful n Ind you OU had to work on the Fourth of ot lul July luly I t gasped unbelieving eh It wouldn't a af worried me so flO m much ch cause theres there's usual usually such mobs loose on the tIle Fourth only It a n. sad rec on my popularity Cause uv court no believe e that th limy reason rea rea- son flon I t on th thO Job because a 11 friend uv may mine up on th thO pure food toad laws law They alt all thought it because I asked An it hurts hurt mo mop fierce to have an any one suspect I Iwin win t th ma magnet at I 1 form orl formerly Th fact la Is I 1 had two Invites but one to a picnic over in Hoboken nn an an I know what doll destroyers delight them Hoboken ul hll hilarities ties Is 1 But th tin other promised to be class class class- sort ort u uv a D. a la Ia carte thing with no basket party part or cheesy special holiday dinner runner at tit th end u uv u It it Yuh uh never kno know what what might ml-ht a a happened I r might a V come back with a I solitaire on my person verson An Anthen Anthon i then thon at It frum another way 1 I might a a been killed In a railroad accident accident acci acci- dent on th tir home trip I guess that's th thO sensible wa way uv u at It she aho meditated solemnly Anyhow I worked an Rn Its It's gem to be a n. dent In my memory uv th thO day An An uv dents dent I guess I got ot th thO classiest little side lino line uv them commodities In m my past life ute everIll ever er Ill Ill tell toll yuh ull about one ono uv cm em today He Ile happened about three years ago an anI an I dubbed him th tit town home n turnip He w wm wu uz always K blowin about th thO town he wu born horn In an an where hero his hla slaters sisters still lived Th rh air us purer an th thO grass longer an th people honester than zany any place else on earth There t a thing that feller seen except pl th tit subway an an a couple uv that hud had him fer n. n sister Bister attraction up In Valencia Vermont where he born All th time he mn mft a boiled Ne New v England dinner Inner In th thO for far a n perfectly good Rood dinner places hed he'd b be mo me bout th tho elegant pre preserves es ef his his si sisters ter put up an about th Ut cold chicken what always In tim the lecher Icebox an an th th corn pulled tr fre fresh h h from ti th thO m man field an an fired d into th thO bollin pot to be bo ate ata with slathers uv butter made do on th 1 h. h ta f I like that Till at last th Inward gnaw In u uv In my imagination Imagination dolli team work with my stomach got at th thO butter better u uv u um m my wise lse that tat he tellin me what tcp a hot air artist be beyond ond compare So ono one day I consented to go up an n pay paya a a. visit to his hla sisters to sample mple th thO grub gruban gruban gruban an meet some uv them item poor but hon hen honest est eat neighbors Well Wen uv all Ut dum dumps s Yuh couldn't couldn t toe see Reo oe th tit house tel far patches uv n th In frum tin down to a A. portion UV a a pair in uv blue overalls what w us loin service ser In the they had forgot CO a space pace where or window An feed to put nut lumber over r a tin the most princely prince repast I 1 ot 8 my Into while c I w uz pearly food food up there w uz bc beet t tops topa boiled with a luP coffee th thO conI con con- lump mp of salt pork orle an UI I tency uv well seasoned mud At As All for for tor honesty honest well weH SI any I had DI- DI oc Ogees OS ne boat bont to a n s souffle when I Went my best handkerchief haner around fer chief my Irish lace collar an an my when it w uz time lime timeto three-dollar three perfume to 00 ao home one thing worse wone wor e ethan Sa Say thero only than Rube ox-Rube who Rub who boosts farm Carin cook cook- an n e Ing ng an that's th Prof Professional Southerner South South- the th chU war warin warl erner Who's hos S Still hi l In a gooseneck bass bas voice because h he hadn't landed In America yet et ot who when the t