| Show Hot with a shot An Anonymous Guest Writer Globe Weekly News Meet Staci She's dirty blond big boned and has a few teeth although none of them are pointing in the same direction The product of an always on the go Southwest Airlines pilot and a stay at home mom whose home happens to be a abar abar abar bar Staci was pretty much neglected neglect neglect- ed from the get go She's an only child and has just one of her own Her voice is like Fran Drescher and her personality resembles Barbara Walters And she's standing standing standing stand stand- ing in the comer corner of Shaggy's with an umbrella drink in one hand and anda a million reasons not to approach her in the other And she's looking at you Jaeger please you shout hoping hoping hop hop- ing that that 2004 Kirstie Alley look-alike look stops staring you down and undress undressing in you vou with her crossed eyes Down the hatch it goes and with one quick glance to the comer corner you realize that a certain fat actress' actress has been replaced by some chick hawking Pier 1 products who while still annoying is a vast improvement Your curiosity bounces around the room and breaks your shot glass So you order two more Within seconds you slam down your empty Red Sox shot glass on the bar with your left hand followed followed followed fol fol- fol- fol lowed by a Yankees one with your right The agony of deciding whom to root for expedites the process of getting drunk so next look at the corner comer erases the image of Rebecca from Cheers letting herself go and replaces it with Jamie from Charles in hi Charge What Too soon Ok her annoying sister Sarah But two shots later Jamie appears and she can help me with my homework any day of the week Eleven pm p.m. quickly approaches as does the waitress with shot number eight Youre You're convinced the girl in the corner comer is either a Transformer or Anne Heche so you drink your Prairie Fire to alleviate the pain Your tongue is on fire the bouncer stole your car keys complete complete complete com com- sentences have been replaced by incomplete thoughts and that girl in the comer corner is singing along to Sha wait a minute that is Shakira Two more rounds on me literally Tequila body shots allover all allover allover over for that hottie hortie in the comer corner only to celebrate this surprise Latin explosion of a party And with that tenth shot it hap hap- It really happened Staci is officially a ten with ten Her dirty blond hair has been rinsed clean Her bones are no longer big enough to compare to fossilized Goggles Continued on Page 12 Goggles Cont Cant from Page 8 records Her teeth White straight and in her mouth Like Star Trek reruns at a Screech Powers fan club meeting a miracle has hap hap- Marilyn Manson has become Marilyn Monroe Jane Goodall has become Jane And Penelope Cruz has become well Penelope Cruz in the right lighting You go to her house and turn rum off the lights And when you turn them back on you scream Loud The slamming of her door and the screeching screeching screeching screech screech- ing of your tires are the last she will ever see of you next trip to the bar So guys I warn you Just le lev leave lethe v the goggles home And ladies you must be wary of the same Cause next time Erkel goes home with the girl I just might lose it |
