| Show or or the end of school blues Regie Thompson Contributing Writer ITS IT'S that time of the quarter again Midterms are over finals are only a couple of days off and the end is in sight It seems like yesterday I was sweating my w way y up the north face of Mount Olympus searching for the meaning of life before the madness of school of-school school took over Now I find myself suffering suffering suffering suffer suffer- ing from a condition I am sure many others share After several weeks of constant bombardment from homework tests and the never ending search for a parking spot the old gray matter is turning into mashed potatoes Ugh According to Dr Df Noe Etall chief emergency psychotherapist at a major eastern university is a condition that arises when someone tries to absorb too much information information information in in- formation too fast The brain reacts by inhibiting incoming information and shutting down all systems until it can find room to store the knowledge The resulting effects effects effects ef ef- ef- ef include insomnia lack of motivation and an uncontrollable uncontrollable uncontrollable urge to go to the Bahamas Headaches and lack of appetite may a accompany accompany company com com- pany this condition Only one fatal case of brain cramp has been reported according to Etall It involved a 1932 medical student who had suffered from the condition for about five years He apparently saw no means of dealing with the he problem other than performing perform perform- ing his own brain surgery Most cases are not as serious erious Minor mental deformities deformities deformities de de- de- de have appeared in inthe inthe the he majority of victims but for the most part no permanent permanent permanent per per- manent damage has been documented Students have nobody but themselves to bla blame e says Etall They are the ones who choose to torture themselves themselves themselves them them- selves just to get an tion Etall mentioned that most students who suffer from are in their first year of school although s some 0 m e cas cases e s h have av e bee been n reported in fourth year sophomores According to Etall EtaH no medical cure can be prescribed for p because because because be be- cause it affects each victim differently However there are some solutions to this terrible terrible terrible ter ter- ter- ter condition The most effective effective effective ef ef- ef- ef yet most painful is to pull the victims victim's hair until it comes out This somehow al alleviates alleviates alleviates al- al the pressure by allowing allowing allowing allow allow- ing the skull to expand relieving the cramp This solution is only used in the most serious of cases due to the obvious aesthetic results Etall mentioned that solutions solutions solutions temporary in nature are available yet not highly recommended due to the volatile nature of the side ef ef- ef- ef These solutions are available at most supermarkets supermarkets super super- V markets in packs of six twelve and twenty-four twenty 12 ounce containers or at a local pub Etall warned that this type of treatment is only recommended recommended recommended mended for weekends and andone andone andone one should avoid driving or operating heavy machinery after treatments of high volume Side effects include dizziness and slurred speech during treatment and headache and dry mouth the next day Although is not contagious it can be easily easily easily easi easi- ly contracted through too much stress and taking life too seriously Etall's Stalls personal advice to me was to stay close to the pub and enjoy what Im I'm doing Now if only I could train my dog to open a Moosehead V 4 I. J. J e |
