| Show A Hushed Subject Subject- SUICIDE by John First in a two-part two series on suicide Yes I did attempt suicide suicide suicide sui sui- cide Sam Smith not his real name is 30 years old and anda a student at Over a year ago he decided that his death would free him of pain and agony that had built up for many years It If all started to surface when I was a graveyard manager at a local grocery store chain The store was located in a tough n neigh neigh- It If was a 24 hour store and arid very seldom did dida a night pass without some sort of violent trouble Over the year of working working working work work- ing for this company I had been shot at beaten and my life threatened many times All these problems problems problems pro pro- had been reported to the management but were always treated as jo jo- jo kes I was married had three children children and and was earning a 5 figure income yearly It was the most money I had ever made I thought that I 1 could handle the problems that were long enough enough enough en en- ough to be moved to another position and schedule However my self-confidence self and well being were slowly being destroyed Then one night I was caught in the parking lot by some men who I had arrested for shop lifting and was beaten and told that I would be killed if I Iwas Iwas Iwas was ever seen in the store again That following morning I demanded and r received a transfer to another store in the valley I was also working in the day Well now I thought that was going to work out for the best Then it surfaced I was feeling worthless I wanted to die and I didn't know why I contacted my family family family fam fam- ily doctor and he put me into the hospital for observation observation an and tests He also contacted a psychiatrist I Iwas Iwas Iwas was put on a new de anti medication and had 8 appointments with this psychiatrist My last meeting with this doctor I Iwas Iwas Iwas was told that I was all allright allright allright right but to stay on the medication I asked when I should come back and was told I didn't need to but to call all when I needed more medication During this time I lost my job at the store had gotten another and lost that one a few weeks later Without a job and bills backing up I had reached the point that life was Vias not what it should be and I started to plan my death Shortly before this my wife and I started to go to the Salt Lake Community Mental Health Clinic Before Before Before Be Be- fore our first meeting with the counselor I tried to kill myself It was the first part of Decem December ber 1980 I selected selected selected se se- a spot in Memory Grove I felt worthless a failure to my family and myself I knew that my family would be better off and that I would rid myself of the pain I had by killing myself I cried long and hard before I placed the point of the knife to my throat I Iwas Iwas was ready to plunge the knife in when the beating of a helicopter above brought me to my senses This little distraction saved my life Something inside me wanted to live Someway there was help for me That evening my wife drove me to the hospital There under a new doctor doctor doctor doc doc- tor I spent a long week learning about myself and the illness I was suffering with My body has a biological biological biological bio bio- logical imbalance This means my body does not produce enough chemicals chemicals chemicals chemi chemi- cals to keep my emotions in balance I 1 am now on medication that will give me the chemicals I lack I also will be on it for the rest of my life I can no longer work in inthe inthe inthe the grocery business because because because be be- cause it was this that triggered triggered triggered trig trig- this illness so I qualified with the state Vocational Vocational Vocational Vo Vo- Vo- Vo I am now working on a anew anew anew new career and learning to cope with the disability that th this s illness has caused There is nothing wrong with suffering from a mental mental mental men men- tal illness we can suffer with mental illness just as we can with a physical ill ill ill- ness Mental illness can be controlled and cured if we treat it the same as a physical illness but with quicker results I am grateful there was help when I needed it and andI I am happy that I am alive when I I came so close to death |
