Show 1 f f I If NO TAXABLE INCOME By Robert Several Days after Id I'd reported my income for 1980 the IRS asked me to visit the local office for an audit Before going to town I dressed in my least ragged overalls and put on my best patched boots in hopes of making a good impression Stepping into an IRS office for forthe forthe forthe the first time is an adventure Some claim the stomach sensations approximate those youngsters get the first two or three times they step to the altar to get married I felt like Id I'd just discovered a puddle of oil beneath my car Way over in a dark corner three clerks were operating a huge press that was probably extracting blood from turnips Several people were crying softly and the floor was littered with damp Kleenex c I When I introduced myself to a aman aman aman man behind one of the desks he looked me up and down offered me a fresh Kleenex and went to look for my folder I noticed a little sign on his desk that said Abandon Hope All Y Ye e Who Enter Here Mr he began as ashe ashe ashe he returned to his desk You report an income of only for 1980 Id I'd like to know how you managed to survive Things are cheap down where I live I replied I had a two- two pound steak last night Got it for a 1946 dime A 1963 13 dime buys five gallons of gas Its It's advertised right righton on the front of the pumps But how did you pay your telephone and electric bills Oh my neighbor pays mine I give him four old quarters every month and he takes care of it for me The IRS man thought about that for a while Why not he said half to himself Ive worked here for 26 years and no one has told me a yet but where did you get those old dimes and quarters I worked for them I said I get 40 cents an hour for cutting horrid ugly bushes with the brush- brush hog on my big tractor Payable in pre 1964 silver coins of course And everyone down home has an anold anold anold old sock or a coffee can full of them Paper money is worthless Nobody will take it any more except you folks here at the IRS Several people who had overheard our conversation started to cry a little louder You had me fooled Mr said my IRS friend as ashe ashe ashe he stood up and extended his handI hand I mean about how you could live on a year Frankly when I saw the way you were dressed when you walked in here I thought Id I'd already figured out how you did it llo l o P PJ f J rJ W Wj r o oTHE ot II j t THE HORSE S TRADER Ive I've discovered Why people wanting to sell property engage a aReal aReal aReal Real Estate Broker Selling your own house can best be compared to performing a appendectomy on your own child The day I advertised a house for sale people began pouring in to look it over One of the earliest prospective buyers blew his horn to let me know he was in the door- door yard As I came out of the house I heard him say to the woman with him Now ma you leave this here hereto to me Right then began my first lesson in horse trading I I saw your ad he said looking at my house with disbelief Well I cant can't blame you for wanting to sell Lets Let's see Lots Lats of fruit trees here that would have to tobe be cleared off the lawn That chestnut chestnut chestnut chest chest- nut and the maple would have to togo togo togo go too This have to be built up stand in here when it rains Runs right down there under the garage door too dont don't it Gave it the heaves Boy Aint you never painted the place Loo Looks s like glanders got gotthem gotthem gotthem them cleats around the eaves Aluminum sidings siding's the answer Keeps out acute too and then let it blow Oh oh Waters Water's already got in under them gutters He walked into the flower garden and kicked the wall with the heel of his boot I heard the mirror that had been hanging on the inside drop and shatter Walls rotten he said with satisfaction The lower fillys filly's pulled away from the studs All have to come out Probably bots on the other side His wife who had remained inanimate until now nodded eagerly He lifted the outside cellar door and we were swept along with him into the cellar Now he said turning to me suddenly and flicking open a switchblade knife Before I could catch my breath he had jabbed the knife into the floor sills Needs new sills and a floor Looks like strangles in them cellar walls too All have to come out Dont Don't suppose this furnace works probably needs a clyster Boy this place needs work Probably blackwater fever in that pump Look at the colick on them All have to come out I followed him up through the house wincing whenever he jabbed the plaster with his knife in his search for pinworms When we got back to our starting place he grimaced and said The little woman likes your house but I cant can't give you the price youve you've advertised It would cost me to make it fit to live in What can you do for me I can tell you I think youve you've made a mistake I said Youve been looking at my new house The place Ive I've advertised for sale is that old house over there |