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Show The Fable of the Cross Word for Every Hour 88 By GEORGE ADE . Bell Syndicate. WNU Service. there was a man named Cumback who thought he had a Patent Right on Physical Pain, Nervous Tension and all other forms of Agony. Cp to the time that he began to feel Rocky there never had been any genud ine Suffering on the part of any Member of the Human Family. Whenever he was burning low and the whole Universe was heavily festooned with Crape and the only Flowers blooming were the Lilies used at first class Funerals, and no Birds sang l except the and the it was then that Mr. found his only Relief in cussing audibly and making dreadfully sarcastic Remarks to the Imbeciles who were deliberately intent upon driving him to the Foolish House. The only Joy that he could extract from a drab Existence was that of toasting, panning, bawling out and harpooning those who got his Goat and stuck pins into his Inmost Soul. The average American is and doesnt at all object to being kicked thirty or forty Times in the same Place, but not so with Mr. Cumback. He held to the Theory that it was the Duty of every Citizen to fight unceasingly for all of the Rights guaranteed by the Constitution before it was patched up. In other words not to let Anybody get away with Anything. Insa way he was a Reformer. He believed that many of the Abuses which have grown up in this Paradise known as the U. S. A. could be blamed upon the spineless and unresisting Common People who were, as you might say, hollow below the Ribs. Mr. Cumback probably understood that he could not right all the Wrongs while he had no Assists from the other Players, but he had the glorious Satisfaction of knowing that he put up a Battle when anyone tried to sew Buttons on him. He probably Men couldnt make and Women out of Whippets and Snoofs but he got his only pleasant Thrills out of giving them the Medicine they needed, viz., the old and brutal Truth". Two Prominent Clubmen at Work. For instance, he was the only Person who had the sublime Courage to hop onto the Greek God with the Square Shoulders and gummy Hair who had consented to act as salesman in a Haberdashery, pending his Marriage to some well known Heiress. was meat for Mr. This Cumback. He had observed that when Customer walks into a a would-bGents Furnishing Establishment to Pajama himself or lay in a new flock of Studs, usually he Is compelled to wait until the two prominent Clubmen behind the get through dissome Scandal which is urgent cussing agitating their Set Mr. Cumback had vowed that they would never stand him up, like an old Umbrella, without getting a few Keepsakes in return. He never interrupted Cuthbert and Llewellyn while they were at it but after they had concluded, and one of them came to Mr. Cumback and asked, as he lifted the Eyebrow, Yes, what is it? that was when the molten Lava began to flow. Mr. Cumback, like the Cat which plays with the Mouse before breaking all of the Bones, always began in a very suave Manner. Before introducing any sordid Business Topics into a Morning which seems more or less devoted to Social Intercourse, I should like to ask a Question, if I am not presuming, he would say. May I ask the Question? Certainly, the Salesman would reply, wondering what new kind of Cuckoo had come in from the Street to avoid the Crowds. I should like to know if, when you are discussing your Private Affairs with some other Man about Town, it annoys you or disturbs your Temperament to have some Outsider come in and want to buy Goods? You see, Geoffrey, I want to be considerate. I would rather cut off my Right Hand than rudely Interrupt a male which does not concern me. I can, if necessary, do my ordering by Mail. Certainly I dont wish to inflict my rude Presence upon a scene with which I do not, as you might say, harmonize. It would have meant just as much to the Listener if Mr. Cumback had recited the Greek Alphabet He didnt mind, even If his Satire was too subtle for the Victim. Usually he would continue, looking straight into the baby-blu- e eyes of the Salesman: I take It that you cherish a Hope to own this Place some day. You certainly have my Best Wishes. Chummy Patter With the Salesman. He would then make his Selections and depart, trusting that, some time ONCE deep-seate- Hoot-Ow- Whip-poor-Wil- l, Cum-bac- b long-sufferin- g public-spirite- d so-call- honest-to-goodne- ss e Show-Cas- e Tete-a-Tet- e . during the Afternoon, it might soak in on the Party of the Second Part that he had been grossly insulted. So long as Murder was prohibited by Statute, Mr. Cumback had to adopt gentler Methods with the other Type of Salesman who said Im wearing one myself. The beaming Employee who exhibited a new style of Collar on his own Person, demonstrating, as it were, to prove that It had Class, aroused In Our Hero a kind of Rabies. Ah, let me put on my Smoked Glasses and look at you, would be his ejaculation. "I have seen Niagara Falls, the Sunset Glow on the Jungfrau and the Grand Canyon, but never before have I been so awestricken. I am not good enough to wear such a Collar. I will simply tie my Handkerchief around my neck and let it go at that. No wonder that those who dealt with him in Retail Establishments suspected that he drank, or used Opium, or had been overcome by the Heat, or possibly the Nurse had let him fall on his Head while he was young. Among his Chronic Ailments were Treasuritus, Porterene and Waiterpho-bia- . e would The boy in the and then begin We have nothing Alfred would Interrupt and take the Words out of his mouth, saying: 1 get you. You have nothing ahead of the 18th Row. Did you ever figure that you could save a lot of Wear and Tear on your Vocal Cords by installing a Phonograph here in the Lobby and have it repeat over and over Nothing ahead of the 18th Row ! You have a Hit in your and I am only a poor Goof who wants to buy a Pair at the advertised Prices, so that makes me just as welcome as Neuralgia. Before departing, I wish to say that I have had Visions of Alexander on a Throne of Porphyry and Gold, sighing for more Worlds to conquer; of imperial Caesar entering Rome at the head of his Legions, and of Napoleon contemplating a conquered Europe, but never in my wildest Imaginings have I pictured anything so overwhelmingly royal and Indescribably magnificent as you, sitting back In your Cage, gazing down at the Worms who come crawling up here, begging for Tickets of Admission. Hoping that you fall down and break both Legs, as you are being led toward the Electric Chair, I will bid you a cheery Good Afternoon, but be sure and let me know when you are going to be buried, as I want to send some Flowers. Enthusiastic The foregoing Is a specimen of Rough Stuff as distinguished from Polite Satire, but Mr. Cumback discovered Years ago, that to jar a Ticket-Selle- r one must use a Blunt InstruBox-Offic- Show-Sho- p Pall-Bearer- s. ment New Fertilizer to Use Ammonia, Peat U. S. Chemists Say Manufacturing Process Simple and Inexpensive. (Prepared by the United States Department of Agriculture.) g two-third- water-solubl- e quick-actin- g g as an amateur Psychologist, to dis- cover the Mental Processes which induced them to remove Everything from his Writing r able and make the Ratio between Bath Towels and Hand Towels four to one. Alfred passed on not-loago. He was carried to his last Resting Place recruited by six hired from the Deaf and Dumb Asylum. MORAL: If you dont mind being a Social Outcast, always stand up for ng Pall-Beare- rs your rights. Tough on Bulldogs Though the faults to which the bulldog is subject are many, judges are not disposed to show leniency in judging this breed. It makes no difference whether the dog be merely or obviously unsound in gait or shape, the defect is subject to penalty in rating. The judges turn a deaf ear to those owners of dogs who protest that the appearance of their dogs face is not due to a structural defect of the jaw but to something in the nature of a misplaced tooth, declaring that even such minor unsoundness is not pen s missible in a bulldog. wry-face- wry-face- out-of-tr- d d, there was dediin the Massachusetts state house, Boston, the first memorial to animals ever erected in a legislative building. It was a tablet memorializing the horses, dogs and other animals that served in the World war, was given by the Massachusetts S. P. C. A. to the state. After an address by President Rowley, the tablet was accepted by Calvin Coolidge, then Governor of Massachusetts, who said in part: Those whom this tablet honors will never know its meaning, its significance, or even of its existence, but we can understand what it means and how much was done for the benefit of mankind by these creatures who suffered for our sake. A merciful man is merciful to his beast. A just man is just to all. We can show' our own worthiness by an appreciation of what these creatures did and how they suffered for our welfare. I accept this tablet as characteristic of the teachings of the commonwealth. I accept it with an acknowledgment of the generosity that prompted those who have made it possible. I accept it as an expression of all that is highest and noblest in the history of the commonwealth. Our Dumb Animals. On March 30, 1920, cated Glorifying the Apple The apple is indeed the fruit of youth. As wTe grow old wTe crave apples less. It is an ominous sign. When you are ashamed to be seen eating them on the street ; when you can carry them in your pocket and your hand not constantly find its way to them; when your neighbor has apples and you have none, and you make no nocturnal visits to his is orchard; when your lunch-bask- without them and you can pass a winters night by the fireside with no thought of the fruit at your el- bow, then be assured you are no longer a boy either in heart or years. John Burroughs, Quoted in Our Dumb Animals. Found ANSWER TO UGLY PIMPLES when she knew TpVEN - that unsighUy, blemished skin was hurting her popularity she could find nothing that helped until a mend hinted constipation and advised NR Tablets (Natures Remedy). They toned and strengthened the entire eliminative tract rid her system of poisonous wastes thoroughly, naturally. Soon skin blotches vanished, pale cheeks glowed again. Try this safe, dependable, all- vegetable laxative and corrective tonight. . At all druggists fl i 1 25c. Flatter Them, Girls man likes to be called handsome even if he knows he isnt. A CHAPPED LQP To quickly relieve chapping, roughness, cracking, apply soothing, cooling Mentholatum. IMENTHOLATUMI slow-actin- g Diet Didnt Do This! quick-actin- g May Find Com That Will Withstand Heat and Cold Some strains of yellow dent corn that are resistant to cold will also withstand more heat than corn that is the United States not Department of Agriculture announces. The resistance to both heat and cold is due to the higher proportion of bound water in the corn plant, the department says. The experimenting indicating the quality of corn were with the Illinois made in agricultural experiment station. The corn specialists give the water in the white of an egg as an example of bound water, while that in a sponge is free water. Bound water forms a part of the plant. Plants high in bound water resist heat damage because the heat can not draw so much of the moisture from the plant and it can thus endure more heat. In cold weather the cold can not so easily freeze the water in the plant into ice crystals, thus breaking up the cell Bound water thus acstructures. counts for both heat and cold resistance. The experiments showed that plants Increased their bound water capacity with successive heat and drought spells. They also found that if the heat came on gradually the corn wTas hardened to it and held more bound water and withstood more heat. and Although the studies are several steps ahead of the general farmer, the department points out that the discovery means that eventually improved strains of corn will be produced that will tend to resist heat as well as cold. cold-resistan- Very often in bestowing a Tip at a Restaurant, Mr. Cumback would say to the grasping Menial: I hand you this money, not because you have rendered intelligent Service, but so that you may be enabled to purchase at some good Book Store a Volume entitled How to Wait on the Table. He puzzled many a Pullman Porter who came, Whisk Broom in Hand, by asking, Have we met before? A dirty Dig like this always sounded impromptu, but as a Matter of Fact, he had thought It out long beforehand and nursed it until the Time came. The Chambermaids could have written a Book about Alfred Cumback. Not that he ever called them Names. He simply asked questions. He was trying WNU Service peat, a new fertilizer material, has been developed in the laboratories of the Department of It seems to combine Agriculture. of the good features of the two many fer familiar types of nitrogen-carryintilizers. It has not been developed commercially yet, but chemists of the department say that the manufacturing process is simple and relatively inex pensive and that the commercial pro duction of ammoniated peat offers op portunity for material saving iD freight on fertilizers. Small scale experiments with plants have given promising results. By heating ammonia and peat un s of the der pressure, about reacting ammonia is changed to chem ical combinations that are not soluble in water. These forms are generally similar to the nitrogenous fertilizer materials in cottonseed meal and ani mal tankage. Roughly a third of the ammonia remains in forms. Depending on temperature, the peat may be ammoniated to contain up to 20 per cent of nitrogen. A 20 per cent product would thus contain In each hundred pounds nearly half as much nitrogen as 100 and would of sodium nitrate pounds at the same time contain about twice as much slower-actinnitrogen as 100 meal. In other of cottonseed pounds words, 100 pounds of 20 per cent am moniated peat would be roughly equivalent to 200 pounds of cotton seed meal plus 50 pounds of sodium nitrate. The product could be shipped with notable savings in freight and with notable advantage in combining the good features of both the and the nitrogen carriers. Raw peat is of relatively little value as a nutritive ingredient In fertilizer, but is recognized as a highly desirable element in mixed fertilizers because of its value as a conditioner and because it supplies to the soil a desirable form of organic matter. Ammoniated Coclidge in Plea for Mans Humble Friends heat-resista- t, nt heat-resista- APPY little girl, just bursting with pep, and she has never tasted a tonic I Every childs stomach, liver, and bowels need stimulating at times, but give children something you know all about. Follow the advice of that famous family physician who gave the world Syrup Pepsin. Stimulate the bodys vital organs. Dr. Caldwells prescription of pure pepsin, active senna, and fresh herbs is a mild stimulant that keeps the system from getting sluggish. If your youngsters dont do well at school, dont play as hard or eat as well as other children do, begin this evening with Dr. Caldwells Syrup Pepsin. This gentle stimulant right things I The bowels will move with better regularity and thoroughness. There wont be so many sick spells or colds. Youll find it just as wonderful for adults, too, in larger spoonfuls! Get some Syrup Pepsin; protect your household from those bilious days, frequent headaches, and that that sluggish state of means the bowels need stimulating. Keep this preparation in the home to use instead of harsh cathartics that cause chronic constipation if taken too often. You can always get Dr. Caldwells Syrup Pepsin at any drug store; they have it all ready in big bottles. wall soon half-heal- th heat-resistan- cold-resistan- Salt Lake Citys Gfr(ewest Hotel Cow Breaks Fat Record Trixy Ormsby Beets, a senior registered Holstein, bred' and owned by R. E. Eddy, Poultney, Vt., is the new national leader for yearly butterfat production on milking for her age class, according to Association of the Holstein-FriesiaPleasure Lovers America. She is credited with a The term hedonist means a person yield of 819.9 pounds fat and 24,324.6 who believes that pleasure is the sole pounds milk. This is equal to the or chief good in life. Hedonism, the yield of 4.5 average dairy cows and doctrine, also teaches that moral duty her average daily milk yield was 31 is fulfilled in the gratification of quarts. With this record Trixy" dis instincts and dispopleasure-seekinplaces Korndyke Netherland Star De sitions. The chief advocates of hedonKol, whose production was 781.2 ism in antiquity were the Epicureans pounds fat and 19,379.2 pounds milk. The sire of Trixy is Ormsby Sensaand the Cyreniacs, the latter inclinwho has 16 daughters ing to the grosser Interpretation of tion forty-fiftadmitted to Advanced Registry, two the doctrine. In modern times utilitarianism, seeking good in the great- of which have topped 800 pounds fat est happiness of the community as a in Class C. Trixy Hengerveld Beets whole, is the chief hedonistic doctrine. is her mother. four-year-ol- d twice-a-da- y HOTEL first-clas- n g h, SLEEPLESSNESS, 3 Acidity TEMPLE SQUARE DEBILITY, ETC. Dont be satisfied merely to correct the con-- 1 dition in your stomach. Your en- 3 the system is concerned. Take r j 2 is a danger signal. COLD MEDAL HAARLEM OIL CAPSULES g 3 They stimulate your kidneys so that they free your wholb body g of more acids. See if they dont 3 relieve all your acidity troubles. Insist on gold medal. 35. g j 200 Rooms 200 Tile Baths Radio connection in every room. RATES FROM $1.50 Just opposite Mormon Tabernacle ERNEST C. ROSSITER, Mgr. aa W. N. U., Salt Lake City, 933 |