Show W Ww w SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE By BERT LUCKY BOYACK j PART TIME Mayor Lindsey of New York City remarked on the Johnny Carson Show that he was manufacturing a new watch It is a Johnny Carson watch that works three days a week CAUTIOUS Id like a room on the top floor And clerk does this hotel every allow a noisy party to be thrown downstairs Oh no 00 sir Never Gine Cause when I come in here around 3 o'clock in the morning Im I'm apt to be very noisy party DEVIOUS So a cricket match might last three days eh Would you care to go with me sometime Miss Smith Oh I never go to cricket games Well confidentially what I had in mind wasn't exactly exactly exactly ex ex- cricket SPECIFIC DISLIKE Polly wants a cracker A cracker A cracker The parrots in the pet shop almost deafened the customer He fled to a corner where some monkeys moved quietly about their cage think monkeys would talk better than parrots he remarked a lot smarter A monkey beckoned him closer to the cage As he bent to listen the animal whispered We just dont don't like crackers TO LISTEN THE ANIMAL Wl WHISPERED We just dont don't like crackers r PERT ANSWER Youre late young lady Not really sirI sir- I just took my coffee coHee break before coming coming com com- ing ingin in WONT WON'T HELP HELPA A politician emphasized his fight on inflation again and again during his campaign for office He lost and told his friend Im going t to a kill myself His friend advised him That wont won't solve any of or your political problems problems' and funerals are up 65 percent Ul LIMITED TED FREEDOM The following notice is posted in a local paint store Those husbands selecting a particular paint must have a personal note from his w wife e verifying the choice TRUE SOUNDS The only genuine music that is typically American is that made by the mockingbird the saxophone and the cash registers CHANGE OF SUBJECT I III need help doctor You see Ive I've always wanted to tobe tobe tobe be a big league baseball player and now Ive I've got baseball baseball baseball base base- ball on my mind too much Every night I keep dreaming Im I'm playing for the Mets scoring a lot of runs being a areal areal areal real star It was all right at first but Im I'm getting exhausted exhausted exhausted ex ex- hausted from all the excitement What should I do Doctor Well you might try to exert some conscious control over these dreams When you have a dream like that I suggest that you deliberately change it by dreaming dreaming dreaming dream dream- ing that youre you're holding Raquel Welch in your YOW arms Oh I couldn't do that doctor I might miss my turn at bat t J JI j p jc t i 1 n REAL GENTLE A gentleman is a man who can re read d a woman like a book to himself NOT THE SAME When he was first married he was very happy When he came home at night his dog would race around barking barking barking bark bark- ing at him and his w wife e would bring his slippers Now after five years of marriage hes he's not very happy When he comes home his dog brings his slippers and his w wife e barks at him WRONG EXPERIENCE And now that youre you're a boy scout Jim did you do a good turn for someone today Sure I spent the whole afternoon over at Stinky Jones' Jones helping his Dad mark a new deck of cards that he needs tonight NOT QUIL QUILTY TV Sunday School teacher Who lead the people out of Egypt No reply Teacher again Who lead the people out of Egypt One lad in the class stood and answered It wasn't us teacher we just moved in from Crom Ohio HORSE SICK Really officer I was speeding because Im I'm sick Officer Yeah You look to me like youre you're going to 10 the therace therace therace race track Yes but with me its it's a sickness LONG AND SHORT OF IT There is wealthy and affluence surrounding us and yet there are many of or us who find the short short check not long enough for the long long month In the latter we find we have been charging when we should have been retreating retreat retreat- ing MODERN MEANING Oh for Ih the good old days when a person turns on he was turning on or off the light switch A bad trip was when it stormed during a weekend or holiday outing When pot was a utensil in which you boiled water MAY GROW She I dont don't think you should order these seeds it says here they wont won't flower until the second summer He That's all right this is last years year's catalogue i I LAST WORD Life Lire is what you make it until a rotten part of the human human human hu- hu man race comes along and makes it worse |