Show y ELMER ELVER TWITCHELL ON THE TIlE GAS CRISIS Im all set for this gasoline m ra ra- rationing ra- ra rationing declared Elmer Twitchell today Aint a bit worried Got myself all adjusted Wont Won't notice it at all How so we asked Preparedness Prep snapped Elmer Been salting it away or got a I pull with a gasoline bootlegger I I Twitch Twitch- Neither explained Mr Twitch Twitch- ell Ive done nothing beyond the I reach of any other American Americ Jn Any auto owner can take t the same steps I have so that the gas shortage j i wont won't bother him in the least Speak What have you done I Well Ill I'll tell you said Elmer Its very simple First of all Ive I've painted every light in the house a abright a abright abright bright red j I the big idea j I I want the full atmosphere of the open road rO Jd he continued Then I Ive I've put obstacles all over every j room so therell there'll be trouble getting j anywhere Im I'm hanging a end dead-end sign at the front door and I put a y i detour marker on the back door to complicate matters Yes but but Dont interrupt he snapped Im putting windshield wipers on every window in the house h use break break- breaking breaking breaking ing them first I mean breaking the windshield wipers not the win wino dows I want to be sure none of of em em work Then Im I'm setting the I furnace on full tilt and removing the I thermostatic adjustments I want to toe tobe be e sure Im I'm hot I We were beginning to get the drift Im putting in a big stock of horsemeat frankfurters and stale rolls a lot of wet peanuts and plenty of bananas and soda pop Enough to o last all fall and winter he hc con- con And Ive I've ordered a four months' months supply of pickles hard- hard boiled eggs and all the other junk people eat on their Sunday after after- afternoon noon loon pleasure trips Gas or no gas I dont don't want want ant to take any chance on being cut off from all my ac ac- accustomed accustomed ac- ac accustomed pleasures S e e eYou You mean youre you're not even count count- counting counting counting ing on using an auto we ex ex- claimed Exactly said Elmer Ill have my house all fixed up with every- every everything everything thing hing I can get through motoring im i'm even arranging to t have grease put all allover over the chairs and walls and md Im I'm putting in a small stove to burn nothing but rubber And see this his I Elmer held up a phonograph rec rec- ord Put it on the machine and all allt it t does is just snarl s arl in different keys Every little while a voice yells Get over ver ya-big ya bum I S e e Mr Twitchell was well pleased with himself Its a pretty good idea we agreed Good my eye Its It's perfect con- con concluded concluded Elmer Without a pint of gasoline to my name n Im I'm all set seto setto setto to o enjoy everything at home that I would enjoy if I went out in the auto auto S e e INEXPLICABLE It t seems to me somewhat ironic That hat tender care care- massage and tonic Should be required of men who cherish A scalp that's adequately ha rish Whereas unwanted hair that's II strewn Across the chin and chin and cheeks though hewn I And leveled to the skin and thwarted When it Is Js barely getting started Despite espite mistreatment curse and scorning Returns augmented every morning Richard Armour S e e New automobiles will lose their decorative touch and frills Head Head Head- line ine We may even have to get along for or two years in succession with the same ame radiator ornament I S e e Autumn When you feel so strange going around with no broken bottle wounds in your feet no mustard on your our shirt no sand in your ears and no plaster across the bridge of your nose S e e Books and md beer upon a table A pinch of snuff for those whore who're able A pipe of baggy for a friend Whom fortune may see sec fit to send So shall mine house well ordered be beTor For Tor a friend who finds his friend in me Gordon R. R Higham S e e Elmer Twitchell insists that he drove up to a fashionable pumping station Sunday and found a sign Reserved on it |