Show I The llo Gali ry ill C hT J Locates Mans Man's Cast t s tf t t l S f T I I r I S l Nfl i c cI I l New Yorkers love to dig their way into the garage of a February morning morn morn- mornIng I Ing wearing laps ear and mittens but not Condon Read what ho he says By FRANK CONDON IF YOU were to ask any ordinary ordinary nary American citizen where he would prefer to live if offered a free ree choice of all America I Iam Iam Iam am convinced he or she would say without hesitation Cali California California fornia ornia If he didn't mention California he would think an instant and say Florida I Iam Iam Iam am led to this conclusion not because I happen to be a resi resi- resident resident resident dent of California but because I have been roaming about our fair land asking people ques ques- questions questions and listening to comment I passed through and canvassed the following states during this years year's jaunt Michigan Ohio In In- Indiana Indiana Indiana diana Illinois Pennsylvania New NewYork NewYork NewYork York Maine Vermont New Hamp Ramp Hampshire Hampshire shire Massachusetts Quebec not really a state but it looks like one oneto oneto oneto to me and Florida and in every state but one the residents stood around in gasoline stations and said Gee what would I give to live out there So I assume that almost every every- everybody everybody body in America would love to live in California had the railway fare west and the assurance of a job The one state where nothing was said about the joys of residing in California was as a person might guess Florida Floridians Boast of Weather They seem to be pretty well pleased with themselves down there therein in Florida and gab about their weather as much as we do and even more When I said to them in an ordinary sneering tone How do you ever stand to live through the summers down here they replied as one man The summers down here arent aren't any hotter than they are in New York That seems to me a great big fib but I let them get away with it as I wished to continue on friendly terms or as near friendly terms as Californians and Floridians can get I happened to be there in the month of November ien en it should have been cool and lovely and it was so 50 hot the locks came off ofT my suit cases I panted my way around town waiting to see citizens fall I over in droves but nobody fell over and when asked they said it was I rather nice weather Things Pleasantly Missing l They have jitneys in Florida and we do not have either jitneys or slot machines in California which at once puts us 12 miles in the lead We do not have perspiration in Cal Cal- California California California except a mild and salubrious ous form fonn of the same which is health-giving health and almost desirable I 1 have been the eighth passenger in ina a six-passenger six jitney at Miami Beach Bench and on a warmish day they have to take the fare out of your pocket as you ou are only partly con con- To be certain we have in Califor Califor- California nia no steady breeze beating in off of the ocean like the never ending gale at Miami Beach but on the other hand we need no such monsoon Our Pacific ocean delivers a rea rea- reasonable reasonable reasonable draught of cold air temper temper- tempering tempering tempering ing the state and in the evening L you may need your our light overcoat I if going for a ride in the car In f.- f. Florida you require no overcoat no 1 undercoat or suit no shirt under under- underwear underwear wear socks or hair net The reason I am slightly put ou out about Miami is not the hot weather in ui November or the jitneys or the slot machines although Heaven knows I was no conquering hero with the slot machines I am re rc resentful because we could get n no beer or any other drinks for the 1 period of an entire day and when you rou spend one full day in Miami or r Beach without any beer you have I every very right to be peevish It just happened to be election day in the town own and everything was closed tight ight until seven in hi the evening at which time the polls closed Then you could purchase beer And what do you suppose su pose they were vere electing about They were not I balloting for a new governor sher- sher sheriff sheriff iff ff senator congressman mayor or important civic official They were not voting to see whether Florida shall hall throw out the slot machines No To sir They were voting to see if Miami should build a pavilion or to hold football games track rack meets and boxing matches and six honest California visitors I with good money in their pockets walked dazedly about the hot streets their tongues hanging out in inthe inthe the he humidity We wouldn't do a ahing athing athing thing hing like that in California not California not even to a ri Floridian I Another item item l 1 am certain that we native sons of the Golden West would never legalize or countenance that hat perfected form of the one-man one mechanical crime the slot ma ma- I chine The only spot where a slot machine ever looked at home was the he speak-easy speak and we no longer have lave the Get Taken They told me down there that some of ot the loot goes to the state and if that isn't a lovely excuse for or dotting the civic landscape with nickel dime and quarter mechanisms mechanisms isms sms where you have the same chance of winning as if 11 you were Peggy Joyce and I was Joe Louis and you had to fight me for the pot jack I I am not only indignant about these outrageous machines but I Iam Iam Iam am also out part of the sixty dol dol- dollars dollars lars our little party lost showing you how silly strangers can get when in a tropic clime Unquestionably the proper place to lo live is California provided you have a small income a good job a modest home and a fairly good car We never have any trouble with our weather as it is always perfect or nearly so and a white shirt may last you a week We used to have an occasional earth earth- earthquake earthquake earthquake quake but we dont don't even have them any more and I hear the authorities ties up at Sacramento have discovered discovered ered some way of heading them off or at nt least steering them into Ari Ari- zona California men dress far more smartly than Florida males for the simple reason that a Floridians Floridian's cos cos- costume costume tume consists of a shirt and a pair pah of pants Out here our voters go goin goin goin in for tor elegant dressing and import the snappiest styles from Chicago On the other hand the Florida girls girls and and I hate to say it but truth must out the out the Florida girls are bet bet- better better ter looking than ours more spright spright- sprightly ly and wear their garments with a adash adash adash dash of allure that our damsels seem to have missed Leaving Lea our movie gals out of the count Florida has us licked and it may be the moist climate They may thrive on humidity We boast a deal about the heavenly complexion of our San Francisco lassies caressed by the eternal fogs but if you wish to look at elegant complexions stand on any Miami street corner and watch the parade California could easily shelter and feed the entire population of Ameri Ameri- America ca but has little desire to do so Neither has Florida A way out might be to let Florida have the uneasy part of our nationals in mid mid- midwinter midwinter midwinter winter and then turn them over aver to tous tous tous us for the rest of the year O C Den Dell Syndicate Syndicate I |