Show I 1 I 1 I 1 am a single lady single you will wil I 1 please to understand entirely because I 1 have refused many excellent offers pra pray Y dont imagine from this that I 1 am old some offers come at long intervals and other offers come close together mine aline came remarkably clow close together so of course I 1 cannot possibly be old not that I 1 presume to describe m myself as absolutely young either so much depends ou on peoples points ef of view I 1 have heard female children of the ages of eighteen or nineteen called young ladies this seems to me to be ridiculous and I 1 have held that opinion without once wavering from it for more than ten years past it is after all a question of feeling and shall I 1 confess it ft I 1 feel so I 1 live in the suburbs and I 1 have bought dyhouse my house the major lives lu in the suburbs next door to me and he has bought his bouse house I 1 dont object to this of course I 1 merely mention it to make things straight major bamby has been twice married ills first wife dear dear dearl how can I 1 express itt it shall I 1 say with vulgar abruptness that his first wife had a family and must I 1 descend into particulars and add that they are tour four in number and that two of them are twins well the words are written and if they will do over again for the same purpose I 1 beg to repeat them in reference to the second mrs camb bamby I 1 still alive who also had a family and is no I 1 really cannot say is likely to go on having one there are certain limits I 1 in a case of this kind and I 1 think I 1 have reached them permit me simply to state that the second mrs bamby has three children at present these with the first mrs kambys four make a total of seven the seven are composed of five girls and two boys and the first mrs kambys family all have one particular kind of constitution ution and the second mrs kambys family nil all have another particular kind of constitution let me explain once more that I 1 merely mention these little mattera matters and that I 1 dont ob object i act to them my complaint against major bamby is in plain terms that he lie transacts the whole 0 of f his fits domestic business lu in his front garden whether it arises from natural weakness of memory from total want of a sense of propriety or from front a condition of ra mind ind which is closely allied to madness of the eccentric sort I 1 cannot say any bat the major certainly does sometimes partially and sometimes entirely forget his private family matters and the necessary directions connected with them while ho lie Is inside the house and does habitually remember them and repair all omissions by bawling through his windows at the top of his voice as soon as he gets outside the house it never seems to occur to him that he might advantageously return indoors and there mention what he has forgotten in a private and proper way the instant the lost loat idea strikes him which it invariably does either in his franj front garden or in the roadway outside his house he roars for his wife either from the gravel walk or over the low wall and if I 1 may use so strong an expression empties his mind to her in public without appearing to care whose ears he be wearies whose delicacy he shocks or whose ridicule 0 he be invites if the man is not mad his own email small family fusses busses have taken such complete possession of all his senses that he Is quite incapable of noticing anything elso else and perfectly impenetrable to the opinion opinions 1 of his neighbors let me show that the grievance of which I 1 complain Is no slight one by giving a few examples of the general persecution that tha I 1 suffer and the occasional cas ional chocks shocks that aro are administered to my delicacy at the coarse hands of major bamby I 1 we will say it Is a fine warm morning I 1 am sitting in my front room with the window open absorbed over a 0 deeply interesting te book look I 1 hear bear the door of the next house bang I 1 look up and see the major descending the steps into his front garden lie ile walks no ho lie mar marceca clies halt balf way down the front garden path with his head bead high in the air and his ills chest stuck out and his military cane fiercely flourished in bis right hand suddenly ho lie stops stamps with one foot knocks up the hinder part of the brim of his extremely curly hat bat with hia fits left hand and begins begin sto to scratch at that angularly disagreeable looking roll of fat red flesh in the back of his neck which Krat scratching ching I 1 may observe in parentheses is always a sure sign in the case of this horrid man that ft a lost domestic idea has suddenly come back to him film lie ile waits a moment in the ridiculous position jutt described bed then wheels around on liis ills heel beel looks up tip at the first floor window and in of goins going buck back into the house to mention what in lit has forgotten bawls out fiercely from front the middle of tho the walk I 1 hear bear hia his voice a shockingly shrill one but what cira ca n you expect of a woman who ans as been seen over and over again in it a itt at sternly ernly striped wrapper as late as 3 2 in afteme ou I 1 hear his cifes voice answer from the house houw Yc adm ar 11 f 1 aj w as a south wind yes dear it a south wind lor dear ita its A soleast sou east least I 1 wont have georgina taken out today georgina is ona one ot of the first mrs family and they aro are all weak in tue te chest wheres nurse here sir nursa nurse I 1 wont have jack allowed to run Wf Wm conever uever that boy per plass M be catches cold hang up his hoop boop it if lie h cries crier take him into my dressing room and show him the birch rod Matil matildaa dal yea yes dear what the devil do they mean by daubing all that grease over marys hairl ita its beastly to see it do you hearp hear beast lYl wheres 11 pamby is the unfortunate workwoman who makes and menda mends the family linen 1 I here lere sir pamby what tire you about now no ano answer pamby or somebody else giggles faintly the major nourishes flourishes hla 1113 cane in a fury I 1 why the devil dont you answer met me I 1 give you three seconds to answer me or leave leaette lea ethe the houte house one two three pamby what arc are you about now if you please sir air im doing something hat something particular tor for baby sir drop it directly what everit itis Is nurse yes sir mind ilind the crossings dont let the children d ren sit down it if they arc are hot dont let them speak to the other children dont let them get placing playing with strange dogs dog dont let them meas iness their things and above all dont bring master jack back in a perspiration Is there anything mora more before I 1 go out ai no nosir sir matilda is there anything more no dear danaby Pa Pim by Is theio there anything more no sir here the domestic colloquy ends for the time being will any sensitive person especially it person of my own ov a sex please plea se to imagine what I 1 must suffer as a dell deli cate single lady at having all till the these there re family details obtruded on oil my attention whether I 1 like it or not in lit the majors rasping martial wice oice and in the shrill answering screams of the woman inside it is hard bard enough to endure this sort of persecution se when ono one is alone but it is far worse to be exposed to it as I 1 am ant constantly in the presence of visitors whose conversation Is necessarily interrupted whose ears are necessarily shocked whose very stay in my house I 1 is necessarily shortened by major kambys Nain bys public way of managing his private concerns only the other day my old dear and mast most v valued friend lady Malkins baw wits w as sitting with me and was entering at great length into the interesting story of her second daughters daug liters unhappy marriage engagement ga and of the dignified manner in m which the family ultimately broke it oil off for a quarter of an hour or so our interview continued to be delightfully erupted at the end of that time how however evert just as lady Malkins walkinshaw Mal kinshaw baw with the tears i in her eyes was beginning to describe the effects of her daughters dreadful disappointment on the poor girls mind and looks I 1 heard the door of the majors house bang as usual and looking out of the window in despair saw the major himself strut halfway half w ay dow down n the walk w alk stop scra ct violently at ills his roll of red flesh wheel around so as a s to face the bouse house consider a little pull his tablets out of his waistcoat pocket shake his head over them and then thou look up at the front win windows lows preparatory to bawling as usual at the degraded cr members of his household lady mallen shaw quite ignorant of what was coming happened at the same moment to bo be proceeding with her pathetic story in these terms I 1 1 I do assure you my poor dear girl W ILI haved caved throughout with the heroism of a martyr when I 1 had told her of the vile wretches behavior breaking it to her as gently as I 1 possibly could and when she had a little recovered I 1 said to her matildaa Matil dal the majors rasping voice sounded louder than ever as he be bawled out that dreadful nimo name just at the wrong moment lady walkinshaw Mal kinshaw started as it if she had been shot I 1 put down the window in despair but the glass was no protection to our ea eara rs major bamby can roar through a brick wall I 1 apologized 1 I declared solemnly that my next door neighbor was mad I 1 entreated lady Malkins walkinshaw Mal kinshaw baw to take no lie notice and to go on that sweet sw beet woman complied I 1 burn with indignation when I 1 think of what followed every word from the kambys girden garden which I 1 distinguish below by parentheses came very slightly muffled bythe by the window straight into my room and mixed itself up with w ith her ladyship story in this inexpressibly ridiculous and impertinent manner well my kind and valued friend proceeded as I 1 was w as telling you when the first natural burst of sorrow was over 11 1 I aid sald to her I 1 yes dear lady walkinshaw Mal kinshaw 11 I 1 murmured encouragingly I 1 1 I said to her by jingo ive forgotten something matilda I 1 when I 1 made my memorandum of erran ds how bow many had bad I 1 to do my dearest darling child I 1 said mis crebs pamby 1 how bow many errands did your our mistress mis trebs give me to do lot 1 I said my afy dearest darling child I 1 Nur nurse sel how many errands did your mistress give me to do dot ay my iy own ow n love I 1 said pooh poolie I 1 tell you youa I 1 had fourer four errands to do and ive only got three e of 0 I 1 em written down check me off all of you pm im going to read my errands your own proper pride love I 1 cald will suggest to you I 1 gray powder for baby the necessity of making up your mind my angel to 0 row the plumber for infamous condition of back kitchen sink I 1 to return all the wretches letters and I 1 speak to the haberdasher about patching jacks shirts I 1 all his letters and presents darling you need only make them up into a parcel and write inside I 1 Is that all 11 and write inside Pam byl is that all allf and write inside Nur nurse sel is that nil all 11 1 I have hav 0 my mothers sanction I 1 for making one last request to you it is this what have the children got for dinner toda tod 4 athis mt 1 I this his return me my letters as I 1 have returned yours you will find in bide I 1 A shoulder of mutton and onion sauce and a devilish rood good dinner too pl the coarse wretch roared out those last shocking 1 ng words cheerfully at the top of hirvo his voice ice hitherto lady Malkins walkinshaw Mal kinshaw baw had preserved her temper with the patience 0 of f a an n angel but she began beg anand and who c can an wonders to lose it at last it it is really Im impossible Ible my dear she said sald rising from her chair to continue any conversation while that very intolerable person persists in talking to hia his family from his front garden no I 1 really cannot go on I 1 cannot indeed just as I 1 was apologizing to my sweet friend for the second time I 1 observed to my great relief having my eye still on t tho he window that the odious major had apparently parent ly come to the end of liis his domestic business for that morning and had bad made up his mind nand at last to relieve us of bis his pr presence onice I 1 distinctly saw him put his tablets back into his pocket wheel around again on his heel beel and march straight to the garden gate I 1 waited until he be had his band hand on oa the lock to open it and then when I 1 felt that we were quite safe I 1 informed dear walkinshaw Mal kinshaw that my detestable neighbor had at last taken himself off and throwing open the window gain to get a little fresh air begged and entre entreated atel her to oblige me by bya resuming the charming conversation where was I 1 inquired my distinguished friend you were telling sno what you recommended your poor darling to write inside her inclosure I 1 answered ah ali yes so I 1 was well my dear she controlled herself by an admirable effort and wrote exactly what I 1 told her you will excuse a mothers partiality I 1 am sure but I 1 think I 1 never saw her look so lovely so ro mournfully lovely 1 I should say lin t as when v hen aho she vas was writing those last lines to the he n man I 1 an who 11 had ad so basely trifled with he her the tears came into my eyes as I 1 looked at her sweet pale cheeks checks and I 1 thought to myself Nur nurse sel which of the children was sick last time after eating onion sauce he lie halcome had come back again the monster had come back again from the garden gate to shout that unwarrantable atrocious question in at his nursery windoal lady bounced off her chair at the first note of his horrible voice and changed toward me mi instantly as if it had bad been my fault in the most alarming and unexpected manner her ifer faco face became awfully red her ladyships lady ships head trembled excessively her ladyships lady ships eyes looked straight into mine with an indescribable fierceness why am I 1 thus insulted inquired lady walkinshaw Mal kinshaw with a slow and dignified sternness which froze the blood in my veins what do you mean by b y it continued her ladyship lada ship with a sudden rapidity of utterance that quite took my breath away before I 1 could remonstrate with my friend for visiting her natural irritation on poor innocent me before I 1 could declare that I 1 had bad seen the major actually open his garden gate to go away the provoking ng brutes voice burst in on us again iia ila besl we heard him growl to himself la in a kind of shameless domestic soliloquy lilo quy yes yea yes yes sophy was sick to be sure curious all mrs kambys stepchildren have weak chests and strong itom stomachs achs all mrs kambys own children have weak stomachs and strong chests I 1 have a it strong stomach and a strong chest Ilam byl 1 I consides con consider sidel this continued lady mal kinshaw literally glaring at me in the fullness of her indiscriminate exasperation 1 I consider tills this to be unwarrantable and unladylike I 1 beg to know cleres wh Wl eres bill burst in the major f from below before she could add another wrom word ord matilda MA tIMM burset wheres hill bill P I 1 bid hill bill goodby hold him up at the window one of you my dear lady walkinshaw Mal kinshaw I 1 remonstrated stra st fed why blame met me what have I 1 done donel donol donel repeated her ladyship done donel all that is most unfriendly most unwarrantable ran table most unladylike most hal ifal hal bat ha ba a al roared the major shouting her ladyship lp down and stamping allbut al tout the garden in fit fits of fond parental laughter hill bill my boy how are you theres a young turk for youl pull up his frock I 1 want to see his jolly legs lady walkinshaw MAIL Mal hishaw kinshaw screamed and rushed to te the door I 1 sank rank into a chair |