OCR Text |
Show V V I .t OF READY WIT. STORIES Retorts That Mada the Reputation ef - Their Utterers. "I was that " atout to suggest, end put him Into light opera, where he has been since. Mr. Crane, That reminds me of a little interchange of courtesies which took place between Barry Sullivan, the great English actor, and Manager Buckley Of the Baldwin theater., San Francisco, on the opening of that house by Sul livans company. 1 was member of the company and was standing on the stage the afternoon before the opening, when the dialogue between the two occurred Buckley was a pora-anconceited mac, and Sullivan took a great dislike to him from, the d start said This, looking Buckley, around the beautiful house and speaking In a most patronizing manner, this is the third theater I have opened. Then he stopped and looked at ullivan to see what effect the ab He Renews His Thanks. nouncement would have on him. But Sullivan looked him straight la the eyes. Indeed, sir, said Sullivan, and how many have you closed? Mr. Crane will you Tell you about Jimmy Powers? Why, I called on Jimmy one afternoon and asked him to go over town with me to a rehearsal or something. Im styrty, Cant, said Jimmy but Ive got to take a singing lesson this afternoon-- 1 Wbat with, Jimmy?' I asked, and he didnt speak to me for six mouths. Now, Mr. Crane, atout Well, In the old days of the Hooley stock company, of which I was a member, Jhere was a young actor came along whose stage name was William H. Wilding. He had a good commercial training before he started in with us to become an actor, and sometimes "he used to ask, raw for advice. ; He played the court ; clerk in the - trial scene in the Merchant of Venice, and that sorle of small parts. I told him often I thought him foolish to give up business, in which he had a fair start, for such an uncertain thing as the career of an actor. To be frank with you, I said to him one "night, I dont think you are fitted to become a great actor. You seem to lack the dramatic instinct, and without it you wont go far. My candid advice to you is to go back into business and slick to- it. The next day Wilding went out and hustled for a job in a store He got a clerkship which paid him $15 a week. He had been getting $25 in the stock company, but he gave that up at once and went into vulgar trade When he left the stage he gave up also his stage name of William H. Wilding and took his own name of John K. Mockett. The other day I stopped over in Toledo, O., for a few hours, and went up to call on Mockett. lie Is now the owner of the largest and most successful clothing and furnishing store la Toledo, and one of the largest in the state. The same of Mockett Is And well known ia trade circles. whenever I see the man I put out of the theatrical business he renews his thanks for my part in the change, which he has never regretted since he made it. Mr. Crane, David That was the man I helped to get out of the show business. Frank Francis Wilson ti one whom I advised to stick to it and toleave'black face for something moro legitimate etr At the Seashore. He Knew Her. The College Yell at Babel. Mrs. Bmks There goes a man who Msade So. their summer courtship The Tower of Babel had just begun Well heres a letter from an Iowa tbe confusion of once, lies rich, too. ended in marriage, did it? propos'd tongues. man who wyuld like to know If I Mr Sinks Ill bet be wasnt rich Nan Oh, no; they are still in love exclaimed a Ah! rapturously bhouldn t love to he playing Shake- man at the with each other? "the dear old col- when Jot refused him. bottom, speare s Two bromios again with lege again! How Jt carries me 1 Stuart Robson should think not back yell to boyhood days'" ON THE RUN. Why. all the time that 1 was on the Hereupon he lifted up his voice and stage 1 was bound foot, band and added a few more earsplitters to the tongue if Robson had a cold in his ' din. general head I had to have a cold in mine. If Robson had a felon on his little finger Mother-In-LaSettled It. of his right hand it was necessary for I wanted to name tbe baby;,-JohnBramble me to rig up one If he got the rheubut my wife bad set her heart matism and had to wrap up his knee oa him Gerald calling i i a red flannel bandage I bad to do And you named him GerThorne the same It was dreadful. I had to ald, of course think of Robsons of rheumatism, Bramble No, we did not My wifes Shakespeare, and of a hundred other mother thought Ebenexer was a pretty things all the time Sometimes Id name, and that settled It. all made up and ready to go. Then get Id drop into Robs room for a minute Failed to Scare Him. rnd observe that he had put a little Hia Medical Adviser You wont more red paint than usual on his long at this rate, young man. cheeks and nose Tnen I had to hurry last You are burning the candle at both back and do the same thing It was ends. a dreadful experience, When Gayboy Very well, doctor candle is burned out Ill light the Yes. Harum seems to be doing fine- the gas. ly again this year. Some of the critics say it Is likely to be a second Rip Van Small Size. Winkle. I shouldnt object to that. I would never squeeze my Patience But I have produced more new plays Enstus- - I wants to git a back pension, boss. out of shape. than anactor now on the stage. Get- feet Lsvytr- - A back pension? Oh, yes, you would, if .you Patrice ting a good play Is harder every year. were In Knstus- - Yes, Bah; I was shot in de back, ' ishoes. my Some time ago a well known dramatist read me a stcnario that told a beautiful stor). It was just what I Providence Not Responsible. TO HI3 INTERE$TS. wanted. I accepted it and ordered the Anxious Father Do the best you play, paying him $2,500 as advance can for him. Doctor.-T- hat is ail I money. A month later he brought ask. if it is the will of Provitan me around the first act to read. It dence was based on an entirely different Surgeon Dont try to place the re1 scenario, and told him so. on Providence in this sponsibility Why, this, isnt on the lines of the case. Mr. McJoncs. You bought the I Bald. scenario you showed me, toy plBtol for the boy yourself. Stray No, I know it, he said, but its a Stories. great deal better I didn't like it at all. A week later Something He Hadnt Done. he called again This time he wanted Id like to know who the Bungle to borrow $50. 1 let him have it, of idiot was who originated Its never course, and he left a receipt for it. too late to mend" Ascum "Why? This is the way the receipt read, as Bungle Til bet he never put on a I discovered after he had left:, hired bathing suit and didnt discover Received of W. H Crane $50, to until he got into tbe surf that It was be repaid out of the first royalties ripped. received on the play I am writing for him Perhaps, Perhaps. Thats the last I have ever heard Scientists say that this Slllimug I needirom him. suppose he simply was formed by volcanic action. earth ed the $2,500 In his business. Did you ever rcflectThat this very Mr. Cranes dresser handed him a city was once in the grasp of earth' realistic rubber mole, which he proquakes? The Citizen And you assure me, sir, thsl you insist on honest politics? Perhaps Gotabug Earthquakes? W&rdman ground Bats wot I do. capn. If I ftdnt halt o dese guys dat I that's - what created the rents."" bought would be trowin me down wen it canes V votin. l . . , mMl This is the Third Theater I Have Opened. teeded to paste on to the grizzled and wrinkled cheek of David Harum. The last boy I had is in state's prison now. Stole $1,800 and ran away. But that didnt hurt so much as what I found out afterward. It seems that tbe boy had been spending my money and my clothes and raising merry Cain ft half the towns ' we visited." Arent you afraid that Cranell find you out? some one asked him. No. he Bald. You cant fool Mrs. Crane. But Crane why Cranes easy.' H. M. And that really did hurt H., in Chicago Tribune Too Cold. Joyfully exclaimed the man, whom she had accepted. I was determined to win you. she replied, but I didnt Yes, think you would stoop so low. How? When? When you passed my lips and kissed my hand. Who 8He Was. Gingham," said Tapper, "1 would like a fortnight's absence to attend the wedding of a very jlear friend." "It must be a very dear friend, indeed, to make you want that "Weil, sir, piuch time. Who Is it? after the ceremfiy she will be my wife. Mr. Royaltys Many Names. Should the king of Portugal visit a hotel in the ordinary way, accompanied by his two sons and younger brother, his secretary would have quite a job registering the party. His majesty has thirteen names, his elder son has seventeen, the latters brother has thirteen, and the klnga brother twenty two. -- I Intro try every Truthful Thomas Yes, siree! Can cl ball Is ungrateful fellows. doted cook books among them and dey wanted ter use mu to recipe on! , Wanted an Explanation. -"Did you ever stop to think, my love, said Mr. Micawber, gazing at his piste of lobster salad, that the things we love most in this life are the very things that never agree with usf ' THEY WERE THERE, , Will you be so kind, Micawber," said Mrs. Micawber, straightening op, "as to tell me whether you are speak-Ju- g oftheaalad An ,or.f,me,-alx- 2 Afterthought Casual Customer Say, give me a little whisky with some seltzer qr charged water of some sort on the side, will you?" Bartender Yes, sir. Casual Customer (after a pause and a gulp) And I forgot to say that I wanted the whisky charged, too. le Holy. play--ta- g Yielded to Necessity. 'pyactPY Buyer Lool here, I thought you said when I bought that house that 1 would Tind all modern Improvements conveniently situated. Agent I did; you'll fihd em in the houses next door. Aint that convenient? . Reformatory. Brooks (gasping for air) Rivers, why have yon taken to using snch unutterably vile cigars? Rivers (lighting another one) rm trying to disgust you with tbe abom. inable habit of smoking. -- - Maud Her Good Friends. I seb Irene Is wearing 7 an- A BASHFUL MONKEY. Will at Philadelphia Chum with a Cat Tbe Zoo has a bashful monkey. The ( keepers call him Bashful Willie. He was born In the Garden one year ago, and ia the eon of the large Japanese monkey, whose destructive proclivities have earned for her the sobriquet! Carrie Nation Carrie was with Willie in a separate' cage until he was four months old. He was then placed in the large cage wlth the other monkeys, but he was found to be too bashful to live in their company. He kept on bowing right and, left, hut was too timid to eat or even; drink In the presence of others. A special cage was placed in Keeper McCrossans office, and there in solitude Bashful Willie is thriving. The only company be enjoys is Snake Keeper Hess white cat, which has" become famous for having one blue and yellow eye. The rat pays regular) visits to Willie and allows him to pul! her tall through the bar. A few days ago Willie had a cough, j and it was thought advisable to bring, the mother to him, but even Carrie' was repulsed by Willie, who screamed, loud and buried his head In a corner.1 Philadelphia Ledger. pale-heart- Identity of what was before him with wbat he recollected to have seen, he at length disposed of the difficulty by Odd, man! He sat exclaiming: down since I saw him last Where Everything TALE OF wGe? m ffy She save me a rose In early June, Fed with the sun and dew; Each petal, she Said, la a mount In the moon. The rose Is the whole moon through and through, , The moon la the whole rose, Round and radiance, burnish and fclua that murmurs Break In the flood-tid- e and flows, , I love you, I love you, I lore you. 8tatue Had Sat Dewn. It is related of a rural Scotchman who was visiting Glasgow that he was shown among other things the statue of Sir John Moore, which is an erect figure. He brought another country visitor' soon afterward to- see - the statue, but not being topographically posted, arrived at the statue of James Watt, which is in a sitting attitude. Feeling somewhat puzzled as to the A recent traveler in Africa writes of tbe native town of Sheik Huseln: Everything in and near Sheik Husein is holy and belongs to the dead sheik. It is not permitted to cut wood near the town, no cattle are sold and' we were asked not to shoot birds. One r Room into Robs Drop Dressing of my Somal having caught two bats .. For a Minute. with a butterfly net in tbe holy tomb When I first met Wilson he was a large assembly was held and the la a" black face sketch called leliow and myself mu miid Wash Day,' with his partner, - the peer imam until I gave him some the by But firm being Cronin Wilson. to appease the wrath of the dollars ven then Frank Wilson was an enerdead sheik. his In man. ambitious and getic tnt . Flush and form, money and hue, Lull with the cadence and throb to the close, I love you, I love you, I love you. Ah! ' swr I save her a roue in early June, Fed with the sun and dewj Each petal, I said, U a note In tune. The ruse is the whole tune through' and through. rose. The tune I the whole , Shakespeares Blunder. Shakespeare had just finished Ham-1let when Ann Hathaway pointed, out his blunder. I told you so, William, she remarked, you should have ''made it a novel and then dramatized it" Savage at having thus ruined it for Broadway, he dashed off a line about a low voice being an excellent thing In a woman. k fool-isnnes- B . - leisure time when most actors would have been idling, or worse, be was studying French, German and the law. He and I had a good many talks, and I advised him to try legitimate comedy parts. So he gave up $73 a week In negro minstrelsy and took a position with the Chestnut Street theater. In Philadelphia, to play second comedy -- parts' ft the stock company at U week. Then McCall came along Historic retorts almost invariably; Illustrate the quickness which la essentia to the success of this species of wit. Jckyil was as famous at the bar as was Dunning for his brilliant repartee. Hearing that S very empty-heade- d person had gone to Greece, he ouoted at once, To the Greeks, James Smith, joint author with his brother Horace of Rejected Addresses being challenged for a motto on rooks and crows, responded instantly with the line, The cause, my soul, the cause. To Charles Lamb, Henry Crabb Robinson, lawyer and delightful companion, was speaking of his first brief when Lamb said to him, Did you , notexclalm, Thou.. great cause, least - understood?"" When Alfred Tennyson appeared iu the Oxford theater to receive his D. C. L. degree his disheveled hair and generally negligent state provoked the undergraduates into greeting hhn with the inquiry, Did your mother call your early, call you early, Alfred dear? Sydney Smith perhaps despised pet dogs as heartily as do some of us, and this may bavegtven the sting to his answer to the lady whs begged from him a motto for , her poodle, Spot" Out, damned Spot!" was his suggestion, and it was no doubt too near the truth to be adopted. Nashville American. The fiames, which had begun on the top floor of the apartment house, were making their way rapidly downward. The janitor was the last to leave. I hate to retire under Are, he said, emerging from tbe building just as the floor above him fell In, but I guess Ill htve to." "COniUmerS View; Evidence of Poverty. Wsggs I understand the brewers he rich? have decided to advance the price of "Jio. He cant he. He has written an article fof one of the magazines beer. Jaggs Well, why shouldnt they? showing bow to live on $100,000 a year and claiming to speak fronj personal Every time I order a glass of beer Ive got to advance tbe price. experience. 1 ' - To Make Them Fit "Bt those trousers." protested the other diamond ring. I wonder who is prospective customer, are too long Mine frent the victim this time. ' replied the dealer, Mabel Oh. bat this ia a real en- "you shuBt leaf Jt to me und you get gagement Hes old, ugly and rich. your leg pulled so they fit A Mean Question. Every paper ft the city has printed my picture, proudly exclaimed the youthful candidate. Ah, indeed," replied old Sardonic, and what were you cred of? Thle le our love In early June, Fed wtlh the sun and dew; Moonlight and rose hid In a tune; are muelo through and The rose through. Tbs moonlight falls in the breath of the rose, Light and cadence, honey and hue, Mingle, and murmur, and flow to the cloee, I love you, I Jove you. I love you. Duncan Campbell Scott, in Delineator. Terrific Fight With Raccoon. Charles Marshall and his son Harley, farmers, living in 8prlngfleld battle-wittownship, Ohio, had a terrific a huge raccoon while bunting, and as a result of the encounter Mr. Marshall is confined to bed with a badly lacerated face, throat and body from the coons teeth. It Is even doubted if Be will recover, a a sum-- . her of blood vessels were severed. When Marshall chopped down a treeiin which tbe coon had taken refuge a big dog charged on his coon-shi- p, h bunhe"'Iattcf "Eoon 'gttt' thebet' ter of the dog. Marshall rushed tn to help the canine, when tbb animal, known as the swamp raccoon, pounc- ed on him and began tearing his bead and throat Harley rushed to aid his father, but the 'coon bit him severely. The 'coon was finally killed. The father fainted from the loss of blood and the son had to procure a team to take him home. New York Journal : He Confessed- .ate representaerst John H. Fow. tive, has a story which he tells to tke point that there was no excuse" foT those 'Independent Republicans who returned to the Quay fold; that political conditions are unchanged since last November. This Is Fows story: A man Jumped off a train at a f.tlnn in the West one day, 'and asked for a lawyer. A young maa stepped up and said, Tm a lawyer " I want the best In the town explained thestranger. " 'Well, rm the one persisted the attorney. What proof have you? " Proof shouted the lawyer, yon dont need proof. I admit Philadelphia Ledger. 1 it" a It's funny that a politician becomes after he loses his grllt hanger-on j. |