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Show I JOHNJJENRY ON THE GRIP. Dy HUGH McllUGH GEORGE V. HQBART1 J JTra Olad the Japs Tut the Boot 19 the Cxar." Say, dlil you ever srar a few hot round wllh n real attack of grip? When It come HUil down to a cats of being a bail boy tbc uln han every other disease slapped to unit-down, I had the grip some weeks ago and ever since my system has felt like eight rents' worth of cheese The medicine ttuiri tell tin that the grip I rained by n little germ which emigrated to this country orlfilnally from ItiiMln It that'll tho case I'm glad tho Japs put tho boots to the cxnr I with they would Bo after him again and kick his crown off. I'll bet even money that the father of the lint grip germ mint have been n bombshell and hl mother wnanome rotation ro-tation to one of Kuropntkln'n retreat. Un dollars to pretzels that the grip Kcrm la tho busiest iden that wa ever chaaeil by n doctor. Nobody knows Just how or when tho grip Rerms break Into the a) Mem, but onro they Ret n foothold In the epiglottis epiglot-tis nothlnR can rrmoe them em pt Inward In-ward applications of dnamlte. Tho grip Rerm hates tho Idea of raco suicide. From one small Rerm there will arlso and ro forth n family tho size of which was ncer dreamed of In (ho philosophy of our wise and busy president I don't know Just exactly how they happened to warm wise to me, but a newly married couple of grip germs took a notion to build n nest somewhero on the outskirts of my solar pleius, nnd two hours later they hnd about 133 children attending the puhllr school In my medusa oblongata, and every time school would let out for recess. I would go up In tho air and hit the lelllng with my topknot. Dcfore tho next morning camo nil these Rrlp children hnd graduated from school nnd after tenting down tho nchoolhouse tho whole bunch hnd mnr- rled and had larRO families of their own, nnd all hands wem out paddling their canoes on my nllmentnry canal. Ily nine o'clock that morning thero must hnvo been 85,000,000 grip germa armed with self-loading revolvers nil trying to shoot their Initials over the walls of my Interior department. It was fierce! When the doctor arrived on tho scene I was carrying enough concealed weapons weap-ons to exterminate tho entire Japnnrso army. I'm up to one thing nnd that Is that the Ilusslnns couldn't bent the Japs be-cnuse be-cnuse nil tho nntlonnl energy and vitality vitali-ty emigrated from St. Petersburg nnd camo over hero with the first Rrlp Rerms. If tho czar of nil tho ltusslans had been a wise llttlo father ho would hae encouraged tho grip germs to remain loyal to their native land and then ho could hno sent them out to Mnnchurl t 4 to bite the rnmpnrts nut of Gen. Oyami Instead of chasing inoffcnslvo American citizens Into the drugstores. Well, anyway, tho medicine mUer blew In, threw his saws behind the sofa, put his dip net on tho mantelpiece nnd took a fall out of my pulso "Ah!" ho said, after ho hnd noted that toy tnnguo looked liken currycomb "Tho im me to jou, doc," I sld. "AM" ho said, looking hard t the wall. "Say, doc!" I whispered, "there' no iisa to cut off my leg becauso the germs will hide In my elbow." "Do you feel shooting pains In the I I "She Put Up a Howl." cerebellum near Un ajex of tho ceitmo-, ceitmo-, ' ' polltnn?" Inquired the doctor. "Surest thing yon know," I said "Have you a buulng In the cars, ana a contused sound like distant laughter In tho panntellaV" he asked. "It's a cinch, doc," I said "Do you feel n roaring In the cornu-ropla cornu-ropla with a tickling sensation In tbt diaphragm!" ho aeked "Itlght Benin," 1 whispered. "tin the Joints feel sore and plnebei' like a poolroom?" he said "IllRht!" "Does your tonRiie feel rare nnd high-prlcfd high-prlcfd like n porterhouse steak at a summer resortV "It dot" "Do ou feel a spasmodic fluttering lu theonuccrtlna?" "Yes!" "Havo you a sort of nervous hesitation hesita-tion In your hunger and dors everything you eat taste like nn Impossible sandwich?" sand-wich?" "Kenol" "Does your nerve center tinkle-tinkle like n breakfast bell?" "Ulght again!" "Have )ou n feeling that the germa I Sir ill "When the Doctor Arrived." I have attacked your Adam's apple and I that there won't bo any core?" "Yes." "When you look at the wall paper does your brain do n sort of loop-the-loop and cause you to meld lOOncrrsor double pinochle?" - "Yes, nnd 80 kings, toot" "Do )ou feel n slight pulpltallonottho membrano of tho Colorado mudura am) Is thero u confused murmur In your brntn like the sound of n hard-working gas meter?" "You've got mo sized good nnd plenty, doc!" "Do you have Insnmulu, nlghtmnrc, loss of appetite, chills nnd fever and concealed respiration In the Carolina perfecto?" "That's the Men, doc " "When ou Ho on yuur right sldo do oii have an Impuliw to turn over on jour left sldo, nnd when )ou turnover on our left sldo do you ftclnn Impulso to Jump out of bed and throw stones at a policeman?" "Thero Isn't niiytblng you can mention, men-tion, doc, that I haven't Rotl" "Ah!" said the doctor; "then thnt settles set-tles It." "Tell me tho truth, doctor!" I groaned: "what Is It, bubonic plague?" "You havo something worse you havo the grip," ho whispered, gently. "You see I tried hard to mention some symptom which )ou didn't have, but you had them all, nnd the grlplslheonly disease In tho world which makes n specialty spe-cialty of having every symptom known to medical Jurisprudence " Then tho doctor got busy with tho pencil pen-cil gng nnd left mo enough prescriptions to keep tho druggist In pocket money throughout the summer. Later my wife came In and asked me how I felt, nnd when I began to ills-tourso ills-tourso amiably about undertakers sha put up n howl that brought the rest of tho family around the bedside on u hurry hur-ry call When I told them 1 had tho grip each nnd ev ery member of tho household from Uncle Titer down to the cook beRan to suggest remedies, and If I hnd taken half they suggested they could havo sold mo to n Junk denier and Rot Rood money That evening our noxt-noor uolghbor, Uud Taylor, enme It nnd advised mo to take quinine and whisky every time I felt a shooting pain I took his advice, but nt the end of the first hour the score was 98 to 37 In favor of the shooting pains, and the whisky had such un effect on the quinine that it mnde the germs Jealous, so between be-tween them they rooked up a little black man who advised me to rhnse Ilud out at the house, which I did by throwing medicine bottles nt him That night the whisky nnd quinine I 'teld a director's mcMIng with tho germs I md then the wound up with a sort of 1 1 Mardl Orns parade through my system I 1 wastheRoatl When daylight broke I was n total , wreck, and I swom that the next per- I son thnt said whisky nnd quinine to mo I would get all his Afler breakfast snnthtr friend of nurs. .lack flllwmi blew In, nnd after - .&; i' ' ',- -f.Vt he looked me over his weary eye fell on the decanier Then Jack stna-W his lip and whtr pered dial the test cure for the Rrlp was a glass of whisk) and quinine every time 1 fell rhlllt and fever and he'd be glad to Join me When latins; hands picked Jack up at the bottom of the stairs he was almost Insulted but he quieted down when my wife explslned to him thnt 1 was suffering suffer-ing not onlj from the Rrlp but thnt t had also a slight attack of Jlu-Jltsu After weeks of study devoted to the subject I have iiime to the conclusion that the only way to cure the grip Is W stay stick until you get better That's what I did' J leVipyrlshl l. 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