Show t DONT DON'T SHOOT FIRST BASEMAN UNLESS Childhood Memories Drive Batter Berserk I YOU WISH TO BE SWITCHED TO THE MINORS I I By H. H I. I PHILLIPS I A 11 PSYCHIATRIC EXAM Wherein Elmer Twitchell having having hav hay ing shot a first baseman is questioned questioned questioned ques ques- for reasons Doctor Now Now then I want you to relax and let your our thoughts run fre freely ely Elmer Are Are you a n good psychiatrist psychiatrist Doctor Yes Yes I never played first base in my life Elmer What What position did you play Doctor I I was a southpaw pitcher pitch pitch- er in my college days Elmer That That does It I must have bave my gun back back Please Flease my gun It rests my nerves so 0 Doctor QuieU Im I'm trying to help you out of a very serious jam You shot a ballplayer and can go goto goto goto to prison Elmer Do Do they put people In prison for shooting ballplayers ballplay rs Doctor If If they didn't some clubs would woud be bumped oil in a single afternoon Now listen there must be a psychopathic reason for what you did As a child how was your home life and you'd better make it bad Was Vas there for instance ever a Christmas when your folks spent 5 on your brother for a first baseman's mitt and only 2 on you for a book Elmer That That could have done it 0 o Doctor DId Did your father ever read the baseball summaries aloud Did you ever live In Brooklyn back in the days of those eccentric infields Was IVas anybody in your our family a baseball baseball baseball base base- ball fanatic Elmer I I had an uncle who used to recite that Costello thing entitled entitled entitled en en- titled on First Doctor Good Ill I'll make a note of that In your infancy were you ever chased with a ball bat for not doing your homework Elmer I I seem to remember something like that And I recall that as a little child I was taught to walk too early I developed an aversion to walks Doctor That That would explain it if U you shot a pitcher In school did you ever have a teacher who wore a mask and chest protector Elmer No No but I had a kindergarten kindergarten kindergarten kinder kinder- garten principal who carried a sawed off bat and insisted he had been ordered to bunt Doctor In In your immature years did you ever play softball Elmer Yes I 1 was such a poor hitter I never got to first except when hit by the pitcher And I never got to second because there wasn't a hitter on the team Doctor Now Now its it's all clear I If U you ou ever were to get to second base you knew you would have to shoot tho first baseman The idea took possession possession possession pos pos- session of you It became an urge You couldn't resist resist resist re re- re- re it We can explain plain everything to the court You are as good as free i Elmer Goody Goody Can I I have my gun back Doctor Probably Doctor Probably but we may have to switch you to some other league S President Truman says there is no depression U If you are out of work it is all a red herring S S S Milton Berle and his former wife wIle Joyce Matthews separated in 1947 were remarried the other day The ceremony was disappointing to tous tous tous us as no Texaco quartette showed up to sing the wedding march It w was s one time tune on a Berle program pro gram where the other performer got equal billing Everything went off oft smoothly Surrogate Bill Collins who presided refraining from tram opening the ritual with Tell ya what Im I'm gonna do S S S V VANISHING AMERICANISMS IS All Al I need is steady work to have a good bank account S SWell Well give you one month free rent during alterations 5 Boys Suits Nothing over 12 5 Lets live within our income 5 Ive got 50 dollars lets let's go to toa a nightclub S S S When that new Sherwood-Berlin Sherwood musical opens opens- in New York the cry of the seat seekers may be Give me Liberty or give me Kiss Me Kate S S S Baccalaureate te Gentlemen of the classes of 1949 I am going to scrap the platitudes platitudes tudes ignore the old rhetorical patterns patterns pat pat- terns and skip anything resembling baloney balanus It will be a novelty I am sure to hear a baccalaureate a little different different different dif dif- dif dif- ferent from rom the one delivered last year I give you these three all all- important words of three and md four letters which rate paramount importance importance importance im im- im- im in the struggle ahead Use your head |