Show K 1 Nizer Niter Rays Ex-Rays a Columnist By LOUIS NIZER Attora Attorney y Author ol of What to Do With I IG G Germany Thinking on Your F Feet et Etc I am afraid to write this column because a columnist must have many talents 1 He must be a humorist whose column wears a striped pun-striped suit As for example Alimony is the high cost of leav leav- 1 ing Sex magazines are the filth column column column col col- of America Today we have many sulfa-con- sulfa scions young doctors True pals stick together til debt do them part He adored her and the feeling was nuptial Time wounds all heels 2 A columnist must be a movie and theatrical critic who can ean create atomic bomb devastation with a phrase As for example It took the Curies 30 years to find radium it took Sir William Ramsay 16 years to discover helium it took this play only 2 hours to produce tedium 3 A columnist must be a lexicographer lexicographer lexicographer lexi lexi- who can invent new words which tickle the brain and surprise the eye As for example Teutonic Teutonic Teutonic Teu Teu- Rank-in-justice Rank tonic Plague guesstimate ed column Emperor Emper Emper- or ed 4 4 He must be a philosopher who disguises his wisdom in simplicity so that he does docs not appear preten preten- As for example Its It's better to give than to lend and it costs about the same Suggested sign for a museum Touch as much as you like with your eyes but dont don't see with your fingers I am afraid of Senators who have havea a difficulty for every solution Love at first sight often ends with divorce at first slight Funny twiny thing about temper you cant can't get rid of it by losing it Man argues that woman cant can't be trusted too far Woman argues that man cant can't be trusted too near The President has the power to appoint and disappoint the members of his cabinet 5 He must be a religionist who realizes that religion is caught not taught As for example An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support The best reply to an atheist is to give him a good dinner and ask him if he believes there is a cook 6 He must be an ironist who docs does not hesitate to master the art ofa of 1 I insult As for example She dresses like a bad photograph underdeveloped and overexposed His mind is like his farm naturally natural natural- ly barren and made worse by mistaken mistaken mistaken mis mis- taken cultivation He is addressing his speech to posterity posterity pos pcs but his audience will be here before he finishes 7 1 He must be an economist who I knows that when a theory collides with a fact there is a tragedy Asfor Asfor As Asfor for example Those who complain about rationing rationing rationing ration ration- ing ought to remember that there was no sugar until the Century no no coal until the Century no coffee until the Century no matches until the Century and no gasoline until the Century 8 He must be an internationalist list who keeps the conscience of the people pea pea- pIe boiling As for example A good motto for the war criminal crimin crimin- al trials is The uThe prisoners not the sentences should be suspended Dont Don't relax Germany has more intelligence per square head than any other nation International moral President Lincoln saw a small boy carrying 1 a a child up a hill on his shoulders He asked him whether the burden was not too much for him The boy answered Its not a burden its it's my brother Under fascism the only virtue is strength Under democracy th the only strength is virtue I 9 He must be a historian with a I human interest touch As for example example example ex ex- ample The spelling backward craze goes back a long way In 1808 there was wasa a political fight over Jeffersons Jefferson's em em- bargo His political opponents ridiculed ridi him in cartoons as O 0 Grab Me 10 He lie must be a reporter who cank can k reveal information kept secret even r r from any Government officials Our Army found in a German laboratory a new secret gas so powerful that a drop no larger than a pinhead would kill a human being The Nazi laboratory chief revealed revealed revealed re re- that Hitler lost his nerve He p was afraid to use this weapon because be cause he had been informed that the Chemical Warfare Division of the j I t United States Army had even more fearful gases and in much larger Quantities I J J N ii |