Show TIe Ire Rogues Rogues' MLARRY D Says Sus mere F Funny People Dm s 1 i I r II t I L- L Ll i r i 7 r rV V l 4 In the life of or the young young- married woman there comes a time when she finally masters the art of arranging arranging- a dustless mop a carpet sweeper s and a couple of golf clubs at the bend in the basement stairs in such sucha a way that they constitute a bear trap By HARRY V. V WADE VADE YOU OU possibly have met the type of woman who when her husband arises from a hearty breakfast remarks And now dear what would you like for lunch Probably you have wondered why How do humans get that way Is a question which has long baffled our learned men They do not know Abashed by their ignorance some of the larger universities are opening opening opening open open- ing institutes for the study of human behavior They will try to find out why a man man on seating himself in a dining car will invariably pick up the fare bill in his left hand grasp his right ear in the other and after fondling it a while run a thumb and forefinger up and down the bridge of his nose You may say that here is a reflex dating from cave days when one fought for his food and sat down to toa toa toa a meal with no assurance that all his features were still in place but that is only a guess It does not explain why the same traveler on trundling into a Pullman washroom for the morning toilet will attempt first of all to stare himself out of countenance in the glass There is the long minute of uncertainty when he i is still unconvinced that the rumpled rumpled rumpled rum rum- pled starched dry-starched face in the mirror mirror mirror mir mir- mir mir- is his own that own that no one has tried to palm off another on him in the night His is a curious case but very common No one can explain why a woman climbs aboard a bus with a department department department depart depart- ment store layer cake in one hand and her fare at the bottom of a nest of five purses in the other Almost always this type will be found to tobe tobe tobe be a Looker-Around Looker as well A Look- Look er-Around er is one who woo spots in a astore astore astore store window precisely the garment she is pursuing and at the price she wants to pay The Handkerchief Dilemma Will Vill she dash in at once and close the deal Dont Don't be silly She must spend the next three hours in other stores pawing garments which are nothing like what she has in mind and at the wrong price So she comes back to store A but meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile mean mean- while the garment of her dreams has been sold Therefore she weeps because she is misunderstood which is possibly true You may be a sufferer from Handkerchief Handkerchief Hand Hand- kerchief Amnesia In this condition condition condi condi- tion which is prevalent in men after forty the victim gets to the curb or orthe orthe orthe the hall elevator and finds he lacks a handkerchief So he gallops back to the house or the apartment but by this time has forgotten what it was he forgot Thus he goes on his way frustrated and without the handkerchief There is no cure for this and no explanation In 11 the life of the young married woman there comes a time when she finally masters the art of arranging arranging arranging ar ar- ar- ar ranging a dustless mop a carpet sweeper and a couple of golf clubs at nt the bend in the basement stairs in such a way that they constitute a abear abear abear bear trap Eleven en per cent of all household catastrophes have been traced to this sinister device and there is a case in old English law holding that a husband who has put up with it for so long may cite that fact in extenuation of murder Still the practice prevails It appears appears appears ap ap- ap- ap pears to be an instinct in woman Perhaps you are a type who when leaving a store through a door on which the word PUSH appears reversed on the glass attempts to push his way out You are not alone Exhaustive researches have shown that 91 in persons reason the situation out to the same con con- About picture I Ishall Ishall Ishall shall have little to say but I should like to put in a word about the Drape Fiddler This is a strictly female specimen who whenever a husband lays a hand on a drape or monkeys with a shade must rearrange rearrange rearrange re re- re- re arrange it finally restoring it to the exact place and condition in which it was left by her bewildered mate The proceeding is usually accompanied accompanied accompanied ac ac- ac- ac companied by the crack sotto satta voce What will the neighbors think The Cough Nuisance The nose and throat fraternity in medicine has never given us a satisfactory satisfactory satisfactory sat sat- explanation of the theater and symphony sy cougher tougher This is a type known to all and I only cite it for its familiarity Some years ago one of the great orchestras regularly regularly regularly regu regu- on the air practically clinched the illusion of being right in your living room by including a cougher tougher in its broadcasts But one Sunday he wasn't there and it was found on inquiry that he got well and couldn't come No reasonable solution has ever been offered for the ancient custom I among barbers of loading a whiskbroom whiskbroom whiskbroom whisk- whisk broom with talcum and slapping the client smartly across the neck with same Not only is the practice peculiarly peculiarly peculiarly pe pe- pe- pe futile of itself but it may in time set up a mild silicosis the dread malady so prevalent among those who work in stone dust Nor has it ever been discovered why the porter in the same shop his hands anointed l with shoe polish will pick up a light fedora in good condition and knead an ounce or two of grime into it with a brush Indeed Indeed Indeed In In- deed our tonsorial parlors are perfect perfect perfect per per- hotbeds of material for the explorer explorer explorer ex ex- of the human mind and its vagaries I They might look too into the mental processes of the backseat passenger commonly the wife who remarks when one is yards beyond beyond beyond be be- yond a roadside inn and traveling at ata a good 52 m. m p p. p h. h That seemed like an attractive place to eat Radio Is Too New v. Or the object passed may have been a fruit and vegetable stand in which case the standard afterthought afterthought afterthought after after- thought is those black raspberries rasp rasp- berries look good About the strange creatures who gesture before microphones we need not concern ourselves at this time The species is comparatively new and must wait its turn The older aberrations have the call House detectives who wear toothpicks are another limited or specialist class to be looked into later And building superintendents who fasten paper- paper towel containers to a wall six feet off the floor thus allowing freshets freshets freshets fresh fresh- ets of water to cascade into ones one's armpits Very common and very mystifying mystify mystify- ing is a practice common to all classes of putting in an afternoon remembering a forgotten name of no conceivable consequence consequence like like that of the right fielder in the lineup lineup lineup line line- up with which Lajoie played at Cleveland or the law in of Great-Aunt Great the Effie-the the one with the cast Do you munch at the corners of catalogs while attending art shows Then you are a case for the brave searchers in quest of reasons for forthe forthe forthe the strange behavior of mankind Or perhaps you swap addresses at Quarantine with fellow voyagers you hope and trust never to see again Have you ever sat for hours undoing a paper pencil O C Bell Syndicate Service |