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Show THE TIME TO LAUGH. ' ;'j SOME GOOD JOKES. ORIGINAL A!VD SELECTED. Stenographer Easily Corrects a Slight Mistake Plulosuphy Not Always a Tower of i.trenglh Borrowed Witticisms. Wit-ticisms. HER UTILE OVERSIGHT. ! A certain lawyer employs a stenographer stenog-rapher wiio has the most wonderful collars and the most elaborate pompadour pompa-dour in all the business world. , She has a personal theory of punctuation I ' HAKDLI ENCOURAGING. "I am going to ask Mr. Bullion for his daughter's hand tonight, and I am so nervous I can't think." "No use being nervous. : Mr. Bullion Is very approachable." "Eh? Won't he kick me out?" "Not a bit of it." "Won't he get angry?" "No, indeed." "I'm overjoyed. What do you think he will do?" "He'll laugh." Stray Stories. THEN SHE FORGAVE HIM. "It's all your fault," he pleaded, after he had stolen the kiss. "Mine!" she cried indignantly. "Have I done anything to invite such liberties?" liber-ties?" "Not directly," he answered, "but you shouldn't be so irresistibly attractive." attrac-tive." Thus we learn the value of diplomacy, diplo-macy, for he got another. TOUGH" ON WILLIE. and her spelling is marked with an engaging originality, -but she's so even-tempered that only an absurdly carping person, would take notice of such eccentricities. One day she laid before her employer a neatly .typed letter to a southern correspondent. Before Be-fore signing it he glanced over it. "See here," he said, "you've spelled sugar 'suggar.' " . . .. ... The typewriter glanced at the sheet and smiled. "Dear me," said she, "how"" careless of me! Why, I've left out -j'he 'h.' " . HER SUCCESSFUL SCHEME. . "It seems to me," he remarked casually, casu-ally, "that you have succeeded in cutting cut-ting down the household expenses a little recently;" 1 ':-' "Yes," she replied, v'Ivjm. saying something on the wages f the servant. You see I made a rule thai"' the value of everything she broke should 1)6 deducted de-ducted from her wages, and' as; matters now stand she will have tiy'w'ork four weeks for nothing to clear .up her indebtedness." in-debtedness." Chicago Post, r ! Nurse Fer hivin's sake! Phat are ye a-doin'? , Jimmie Oh, we're only playin' French airship, an' Willie is Santos-Dumont. Santos-Dumont. PICKED UP HERE AND THERE. ' She Let's' sit out the next one. He Why, I ' though you were fond of dancing? She I am! Stray Stories. Miss Budd Do you approve of early marriages? Mrs. Malaprop Not too early. I should say not before high noon. Philadelphia Bulletin. "The independent canning concerns are pretty certain to lead the fruit-can trust a merry dance." "The can-can, of course." Cleveland Plain Dealer. 'I see that the only female barber In New Plaven is said to have eloped with a customer." "He must have had an THOCGHT HE WAS SAFE. Frank's grandmother had some fruit spread out in her yard to dry; and the boy couldn't resist the temptation to take some of it. 1 A neighbor7 saw him and told his grandmother, who called the young man up for a lecture. "Why, nobody saw me take it," said Frank. "Nobody saw you?" said the old lady. "Well, I suppose God saw me, but I didn't think he'd tell you about it." SOME MEN ARE STUPID. She If you ' could have one wish, George, what would it be? He It would be that that that O, if I only dared tell you what it would be. She Oh, please go on. bo tell me. He I dare not, but, if I only , could. She Well, why don't you?' What do you suppose I brought the wishing subject up for? ; 1 , 5 ' attractive mug." Cleveland ... Plain Dealer. He My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of hope before I leave you forever? She Er that clock is half an hour fast. Brooklyn Brook-lyn Life. Miss Rural And were you never in the country during the season for husking husk-ing bees, Mr. Sappy? Sappy No. The idea! How do you husk a bee, anyway? Philadelphia Press. Mistress Will you want more than two nights out a week? New Girl Well, no, mum; two will be enough, considerin' that there's no opery this season. New York Weekly. Chollie Are you fond of the water? Elsie Very! At the mere thought of sailing over the bounding waves I can scarcely contain myself. Chollie Yes, PHILOSOPHY. : v-y m J: 'H H A that s the way it affects me, too. Stray Stories. "Well, Joshua," said Mr. Warren to his country cousin, "what was the first thing that struck you when you reached reach-ed town?" "A trolley car," replied Joshua; "but fortunately it didn't hit me very hard." - Mrs. Smithers I can't get Willie to carry in the coal or do anything any more. I wonder where he is? Mr. Smithers He'g over to Jimson's helping help-ing their boy carry in their coal. Indianapolis In-dianapolis Sun. "Yes, my wife is a member of a great many clubs." "Do you affiliate with any?" "Only one. My tailor organized organ-ized it. The members pay $1 a month for having buttons sewed on ' their clothes." Toledo Blade. Prof. Ironwill You are mistaken.' You are not suffering, you "What you do think. Uncle Jim, of that convict outbreak in Kansas?" "Well, it looks as if a man who wanted a lot o' exercise couldn't get it quicker any other way than breakin' Jail." Cleveland Plain Dealer. "Did you marry an industrious, hardworking hard-working man?" said Miss Cayenne. "O-o-only imagine you are! !!" WAS NOT. LI Hung Chang visited Philadelphia on Sept. 3, 1896, when Charles F. Warwick War-wick was mayor. The procession started down Broad street. It was soon after this that Mayor Warwick, pointing to the crowds which lined the streets, said: "Your Excellency ,r Philadelphia is famous for its beautiful Women." LI was quietja- fevg njjnutes and then, made the famous reply: " - - - "I have not seen any yet." Pneumonia at present leads all diseases dis-eases in the number of deaths It causes in ths United States. Consumption Consump-tion and heart disease come next. i i ies, inaeea, said the girl with the picture , hat. "Harold is never idle. He plays golf all summer and whist all winter." Washington Star. "Teacher Says' that"-'boom' .can't be compared," said the little one. "Can it?" asked her mother. "Why oi! course," was the reply. "Positive boom; comparative, boomer; superlative, superla-tive, boomerang." "Correct," said hei father promptly. Chicago Post |