OCR Text |
Show r H M H -X What Attracted Him. , 'Ijm a goln' to be a Arctic explorer," announced Tommy Twaddles, who was reading about tho Peary expedition, ijjlndced?" asked Pa Twaddles. "Aro .youjso anxious to find the north pole?" "Naw, I don't caro ubout that. But upjn them cold regions It's dangerous towa8h ycr facol" Catching. Vhero did ho cntch his wife, anyway?" any-way?" JHo didn't. 8ho caught him." ll'If that's tho case, ho caught a Tartar, Tar-tar, eh?" VYos, and he's been catching It ever slnco." I A Collection of Idiots. "I want to ask for tho hand of your ' daughtor In marrUgo," said the young I man. I "You'ro an Idiot!" said tho lrato father. I "I know It. But 'I didn't supposo you'd object to another ono in tho family I " Clear the Track. "I see that some of tho Sioux trlbo of Indians aro buying automobiles." i "Getting 'em cheaper than white buyers could, I suppose." "Why so?" "Because they don't need any honk-j honk-j honk I They can furnish 'tho war-I war-I whoops!" SV GOOD ADVICE. -"---N r Vi&0&$i. strati Miss Oldono I wouldn't .havo refused Charloy Banks if I'd been you. Miss Swcotglrl I don't believe I would either, If I'd been you. Absurd. "Last night I slapped a mosquito on tho face " "How absurd I" "What's absurd?" , "Slapping a mosquito on tho facot" "You didn't lot mo finish. I slapped him on tho faco of my girl; and her father thought it was the Bmack of a kiss ho had heard and ho bounced down stairs and chased mo a block." Whom the Old Man Feared. "Say," said Mrs. Nurltch, "your father's got to stop smokln his plpo In tho parlor. You'll havo to speak to him; ho won't mind me." "Ho nln't afraid o' me, neither," replied re-plied Nurltch. "Woll, something's got to bo dono." "If I wnsn't afraid o' scarln' tho old man too bad I'd get tho butler after him." Philadelphia Press. The Three Fiddles. "And what did 'you sco at tho concert, con-cert, Wllllo?" asked tho father. " "I saw a man play a Itttlo flddlo nnd .another ono play n big fiddle," said the boy. i "And don't you remember tho 'cello player, too, Wllllo?" suggested tho mother, who accompanied him. "Oh, yes; and then another man played a half-grown flddlo." His Mistake. "It Is straiiRo that a man llko Mr. -Braynes, with so many good Ideas as io govurnniuut, should commund so llttlo attention In public liro." . "Yes," answered Senator Sorghum. "Ho Is' ono of tho peoplo who figuro out how things ought to bo. instead of finding out how they aro golni! to bo and lnylng his plnns aceordlnglj." Washington Star. Liable to Damages. "Papa, what's that rod light out In tho street for?" "It's to warn people that the street Is dangerous." "Do they always sot lights out when n street Is dangoious?" ' "Not always. Neor heard of 'em setting any out In Wall street." Detroit De-troit Tribune. 1 Her Object. "Did you hoar that statement Mrs. vTnttlo Is making." "Yea, nnd over word of It Is truo." "But I supposed Mrs. Tnttlo was merely a gossiping romnncor." ' "Woll, sho's tolling tho truth this ! tlmo because she knows It will muko ,moro trouble" , ! ' Lots of Beaux, i ""Tlion," said the Jilted lovor, "am I to understand that I no longer sway your heart?" "Tint's what!" replied tho summer girl; " or awhile, at least, my heart j rwlll bo controlled by a syndicate." I 1 ,.' Enjoyed the Cnange, I "Ho's married, all right." i "How can on tell? Ho has no 'wife with him." I WI know, and see how happy he is " ovon at this dull summer hotel " apt i Similar In One Respect. She Occasionally wo hear a woman wom-an speak of heaven In about tho Bamo tono sho would uso In speaking of a summer resort. He Well, sho hns cause for It. That's where wo'U have to go to or suffer from the heat. Detroit Tribune. Trib-une. ' Quoting Htm, "I was just quoting Senator Sugnrotf as you came up." "How is ho quoted?" "Ho says times will be good this fall." "Oh, I thought you wero quoting his price." Houston Post. Strike Breakers. Bllkins What!( You did not strike him back when ho slapped you in tho faco? Fllklns How could I? I had my umbrella um-brella In ono hand nnd my gloves In the other. Translated for Tales from MegBondorfcr' Blatter. Mutually Satisfactory Arrangement 1 M They had boon married In duo nni fl ancient form. M Geoffroy," said the young wife, i M "you endowed mo with nil your world- M ly goods, didn't you?" M "I did," nnsworcd the oung hus- M "Well, I hereby glvo thorn back to M "Gwendolen," ho snld, "you prom- M Iscd to oboy me, did you not?" ) jH M "Well, dear, I hereby solemnly com- M mnnd you to do ns ou pIcaBo hcreaf- ) M tcr, no matter what orders I may glvo M On Hint bnsls they lived happily lH oer aftor. j, M Reminiscences. j H Mario (after tho honeymoon) Max, ' M dear, hero Is tho treu under which you j M kissed mo for tho first time. M Max You'ro always raking up old M memories. I'll havo that tree cut M Mario (after the tree has been cut M down) Do ou remember, Max Dear, fl this Is tho very spot whero tho trco M grow, Tablcnu. Translated for Talcs , M from Fllcgende Blatter. ' M "It fits on," nrgucd tho modiste, I M but tho summer person shrugged her i M shoulders archly. t M "It fits me," sho said, drily, "but It I H doesn't fit tho exigencies. I am 30 M years old. My tlmo Is short. My M bathing suit should correspond. Do ; H ou understand?" , The modlsto bowed and went for !tH her shears. Puck. il 'HH Where He Fell Down. 'H Archibald I wll do anything in the ;JH world for you, dearest. M Helche Will you? H Archibald If you would only try IH Hclcnc Then tnko this collarette to ffl Catchom's department store nnd ex- change It for a size larger; I've lost M tho Blip. Puck M Causa of the Change. H "Tho water was cold when I came In," said tho thin bather, "but It feels H warm now. I suppose It s becauso lvo iH got used to It." H "Huh, uh," responded tho fat bath- M er. "A Boston girl Just went out and JH n New Orleans girl cuino in." Detroit H Tribune. B Where They Were. H "My husbnnd aud I read to each pth- H er every ovcnlng, now; It's just splen- H did," snld Mrs. Newitwod; "why don't M you and your fiance do that when ho H calls on you?" jH "Gracious!" replied Miss Do-Mulr, M "how can you read In the dark?" H Nothing Doing. H Nell I told him If ho dared to kiss M mo he'd bo sorry for It. H Belle And was he? H Noll No; but I was; I wns sorry I B Dlgby I lost my mind when I was M Hlgby When do ou expect It back? M Judge H j'UtS''S'' .M NN.-. VERY OBLIGING. H I, iimUTI' II - H HHH Grocer Ten pounds of flour, ma'am. Shall I send it for you? H ; Mrs. Taltltt No I'll take It with mo If It Isn't too heavy. 1 Grocer (absent!) I'll mako It as light for you as I possibly can. jH Quite Hopeless. "Dear Top," wrote tho boy from the art school, "don't send mo any more money' I havo saved half that which you sent ma last month." "Coma homo." wired tho old man, "jau'll never mako an artist." Puck. A Come-Back, Mrs. Mayhoiu I'm sure I don't know why I ovor mnirlod n ono-oyod bruto like you I ' Mr. Ma hem I do If I'd had two eyes I'd have looked further. i Choice of Evils. H Singleton Just us soon as a woman jH can mari'iije u man her lovo begins to H ( H Weddorly Yos; and Just ns soon as lH sho discovers sho can't manngo him H sho begins to make It hot for him. H The Czar's Thoughts. H "I wonder what tho czar thought H whon ho heard there was dynamite H under his npartments?" "I guess ho thought he'd prefer th H ground floor of a cellarlcss liousa " 1 111111 . - - i ,H |