Show I l' l LITERARY r II The Tact of Fir Hr Quill I I IA A COMEDY IN 1 ACTS i lf t o I U ri t Dramatis Persona Person r 11 MR HUNTER M MR 1 JOHN OHN Srn SMITH H a spoken plain-spoken young young man SIR THEO MANN millionaire Miss FANNY TEE Sir Theos Theo's j MR BEN QUILL an editor 7 f fL JAMES Servants at Coronet Ha Hall l. l L LUCY IMP Hunters Hunter's office office oy a J PRINTERS' PRINTERS DE DEVIL IL ACT I. I SCENE E 1 l Room 1 Room oom in C Coronet onet Hall James and arid Lucy Lucy Well Lucy W Well ell as for m me me I Im I'm m tir tired tired d I I 1 say of this this' pl place c and all the people in n it Th They're y rt all U nothing ot ing but but- buta a alo alot lo lot of snobbish know Now th theres there's res re's the Missus oh Missus oh but s she e does make Ine me weary of life with life wi with h her sharp Do this and Do that I tell you James they'll find out before they're Inthis in inthis inthis this land of America Ameri a ve very very y long th that lt they cant can't have their say just as they did in old England James James Youre Youre You're right Lucy Im I'm just justas as disgusted as you are now are now the old man nan man Did yon notice what a ter terrific kick he gave me this morning morning- morning Just Just as asif asif asif if he had any rig right t to kick me W Well if he does oe it again again I well Ill Ill I'll Ill wel Ill I'll well Ill I'll quit uit Lucy smiling smiling I I dont don't blame you one bit hit And just to see how that ugly Miss Fanny struts around trying to be coy coy- and coquettish oh coquettish oh my It just just just- Sh What's What that that Its Its It's her eon pon on my word ord Sh She e starts to to d dusting Pi very very energetIcally energetically energetically cally while J James ames ames' m makes kes a hasty exit Enter Miss Fanny Miss Fanny Fanny Fanny-Didn't Didn't I hear someone talking Lucy Lucy Did Did maam ma'am you o Miss Fanny Fanny I I say didn't I Lucy Lucy Oh Oh perhaps you did did maam I sometimes talk to myself Miss Fanny Fanny Well Well I dont don't want you servants to waste any time talking By Bythe Bythe the he way Lucy my maid has ha left lef me and I shall need you this evening to dress my hair hairr as Mr Smith is coming to call You will call at my room at 7 30 sharp Exit Lucy Lucy- Lucy Ill I'll fix her old hair for her Its It's a wonder to me she dont don't use a swi switch SCENE 2 Room 2 Room in Coronet Hall Hall Hall- Evening Sir Evening Sir Theo and Miss Fanny Sir Theo suddenly looking up from his his paper paper Hey Hey What They dare dare- to assail ail me in t this is ma manner net Rising isi g Why f I Ill I'll h have that have ye that hat editors editor's blood To cal call I Ime me me an aristocrat aristocrat-a aristocrat a fa a 1 a walk walking a ing up and down Miss Fanny Why Fanny Why dear what what- is is' is the matter Sir Theo Matter Matter Matter enough Look at this article Hands Hands- Handsher her the paper aristocrat Suddenly stopping Confound these editors who use their tongues so freely freely- Why freely Why why why why- Enter James James Tames J Mr Smith i i t j j ej Miss Fanny Show Fanny Show him him Enter Mr Smith Mr Smith Ah Smith Ah good evening Miss Fanny Good evening Sir Theo Sir Theo resuming his walking walking walking- Ah how I I will fix that editor editors Oh Oh I-Oh Oh good evening The rogue rogue the rascal the the the- Miss Fanny ny to to S Sir Sir- Do r Th Theo o. o Do be quiet papa papa papa- Sir Theo aloud Quiet aloud Quiet Be quiet you say After this attack Why girl I will challen challenge e him tomorrow No I I Ill I'll 11 look hi him n up tonight James my coat and hat Miss Fanny Now Fanny Now dear dont don't do th that t. t You must remember be your honor Do Do be qui quiet t. t Sir Theo Ah Ah yes my honer Youre You're right Sits d down an and glares into space Miss Mis's Fanny Fanny Beautiful Beautiful night ight is it not ot Mr Sm Smith Well Smith th Well it w was s rather cloudy as s I I cane came came in b but t tI I do do h hope pe it it wo wont won't t train rain Miss Mis Fanny Fanny So So do do I Ahem I Ahem I see they the have have so some e very beautiful horses hores at atthe atthe atthe the ra races s now Mr Smith Yes Smith Yes that is true true but then again there ire are some som v very ery ry ill look ill look looking ok oking ing ones Aside side I do believe she's he fishing for a COpl compliment men t. t Miss Fanny Yes Fanny Yes I I suppose suppose so Just so-Just Just like lile the worlds world's people people many many beautiful ones and many who are an not not be beautiful Aside I l' l do wish papa papa would go Mr Mn S Smith Oh ith Smith Smith-Oh Oh yes yes but bu then t en I 4 should hate compare t to compare horses with people people- Miss Fanny Fanny- Ha Ha ra Aside I wish now now I had let papa look up that editor Sir ir Theo exit Ah that's that s goo good Enter James James James Mr Hunter Miss Fanny Fanny Oh Oh Show him i in Mr Smith Smith Smith-I I wasn't aware that he was to call this evening 1 Miss Fanny Fanny No No more was 1 I. I Enter Mr Hunter Mr Mr H Hunter bowing l low low low-Ah w-Ah w Ah good evening Miss Tee j forgive me e f for r calling calling call call- all all- ing so m unexpectedly expectedly b but t I I was was pas passing ing and having no umbrella to to protect prote t me meroni from roni the sudden rain I dropped in I hope you you will pardon m me Oh mO O Oh gOO good Mr Smith Mr Smith Smith Good Good d evening Aside 1 dont don't like that fellow someway Miss Fanny Fanny Certainly Certainly Mr H Hunter n er I T ani am sure you are perfectly w welcome Glancing out of the window My how it is i's raining and the light gleams like diamonds in the little pools Mr i Hunter Yes Hunter Yes but not half so o brilliantly brilliantly bril bril- as that pin in your lovely hair Miss Fanny Oh Fanny Oh thank you Mr Smith Aside Bah Bah What's the matter with this man Hunter anyway anyway anyway any any- way Aloud Ah Yes ahem ahem Yes it is raining raining pretty pretty hard Mr Mr Hunter I Hunter I am am glad I dropped in You look perfectly delightful this evening evening evening even even- ing Miss Tee not that you dont don't always always always al al- ways look so but someway someway-er someway someway-er-ah- er-ah er ah well you know the rain has a romantic touch to to tot it Miss Fanny Fanny Yes Fanny Yes indeed M Mr Hunter I admire your sentiment Mr Hunter Hunter Oh Oh I 1 was always so I Ido I Ido Ido do love se sentiment Mr Smith Aside Have H Have v t I struck a a a. a dove cote Aloud Mr Hunter I Isee Isee Isee see by the newspapers that the Cubans have gained another decisive victory Mr H Hunter Oh Hunter Oh yes yes 1 I s see e also that Gen Gem en Beaure Beauregard has ard h has lS at at t last as as as- d command of the ah the ah the Spanish Span sum of Spanish ish navy Mr Smith C Amazed o So Aside Asid Can this man have been studying a composite essay on the Cuban insurrection insurrection insurrection tion and the the civil war Say that's good I gu guess ss Id I'd better change the subject Aloud What do you think of the new arbitration treaty Mr Hunter Hunter Oh Oh by all means China hina and J Japan apan should adopt it it- it unanimously Mr Smith Aside The The idiot Looking at his watch Well I think it is time for me to go Miss Fanny Miss Fanny Why Fanny Why your stay has been short I am sure Mr Smith Well Smith Well you see in fact I 1 Iam Iam am behind in my work at the office and must go Miss Fanny Fanny Oh Oh well if you must you must But I l' l lam Iam am sorry Mr Smith Indeed Indeed d I 1 am too Mr H Hunter r wi will you excuse me i if t I speak privately with the la lady y for a few minutes Mr r. r Hunter Why Hunter Why certa certainly 1 I was intending to ask the sa same e of you you ou If you will wait I 1 will leave with you Mr Smith and Miss Fanny go to fr front nt of stage Mr Smith Smith Really Really Miss Fanny my mission here is a a very very s serious rious serious matter It is plainly to tell you I love you and although I 1 am poor I have come ome cometo to ask you for your hand in mar mar- ar- ar rj ge What say ay you Miss Fanny Oh Fanny Oh Mr S Smith ith Im I'm sure sure I feel hg highly ly honored but its being so unexpected I I cannot answer you tonight You must give me time say time say t two vo weeks Mr Smith Very Smith Very Very well two we weeks ks He retires and Mr Hunter takes his p place ace Mr Hunter Hunter Miss Miss ss Tee ree it was only by accident that I I. I came this evening but butI I cannot longer delay what my rny heart has been prompting me for so long to say Though the time is perhaps inappropriate inappropriate pro ri yet your beautiful eyes eyes so so o. o dazzle my sense your whole person is iss isso isso s so so J charming that I I must must L tell you you I I love you oh so devotedly devotedly oh oh how T I love you and f and I ask your hand Miss Fanny Fanny Oh Oh Mr Hunter Im I'm sure I feel highly honored but its being so unexpected I cannot answer you to to- to night You must give me time time say say two weeks Mr Hunter Hunter Oh Oh Miss Fanny do not delay your answer longer than is sary However you must have time Good night Miss Fanny Good Fanny Good night Go Good Goodnight Goodnight d night Mr Smith z Mr Smith Smith Good Good od night If They go Miss F Fanny going to a mirror mirror mirror-I I do believe I am b beautiful I cant can't cant can't t blame those poor men And oh how beautifully beautifully beautifully fully exquisite was Mr Hunters Hunter's proposal proposal proposal pro pro- while Mr Smiths Smith's so of matter I f fact ct Voice of Sir Theo Thep froni stairway stairway stairway- Fanny arent aren't you going to retire Miss Fanny aloud aloud aloud- Yes aloud Yes papa 4 Low Two proposals Just think Curtain ACT II SCENE 1 Office I-Office Office of Hunter Imp seated with feet perched r on on desk reading morning paper Imp U dent What What Corbett and Fitz goin t fight Gee Id I'd give forty year year o 0 m life t go and see dat scrap scrap I. I Say I wonder f de oP of mans man's goin Spose he will if he can get nough cash Say but dat fellers feller's pore Why its it's all he can do to rake up my wages and here he is dis daughter what's her name Oh yes T Tee Fanny Tee Fanny Tee Well I r I kinder hope he gets her Maybe hell he'll raise my wages Gee But hes he's a flatterer My i how he does load on de praise when deres dere's money in it There he comes Guess Id I'd better get to work or at at least ma make e out I am just to make him feel good cause use he e ain aint t got p ff work to keep m me me ten ten minutes minute's Enter Mr Hunter 0 Mr Hunter loftily Good mor morning ing Imp Imp Imp Mornin Mornin Sir Ive I've been copy n dese legal papers Mr Hunter Mr Hunter What Hunter What Why you rascal rascal rascal ras ras- cal youve you've copied them four times already Imp What Imp What else can I do Mr Hunter oh well wel heres here's Hunter oh Why ten ten cents go buy me some p postage stag st stamps T Imp Examining Imp p Exa Examining mon money Wonder money Y Wonder where he got it Exit Mr Hunt Hunter r pac pacing acing ng back ack and forth forth forth- Well a few more days to to wait and then Ill I'll know what m my fate ite is i's s 's To to be Ah Ali I 1 f fonce once I marry that girl and Ill I'll quit this silly dabbling and live on the interest j of of-ah-my of ah my money And I intend to enjoy myself too Stopping Sopping What Stopping W What t if if she would take that tha Smith ins instead ead i But pshaw Resuming his walk alk Theres There's no danger Hes He's too oo plainspoken plainspoken plain plain- spoken for her My How she she does love to have those lovely ey eyes eyes s praised that beautiful hair hair Bah Bah i iMy My little flatteries will capture the prize no doubt of it Enter Imp h Imp Say Imp Say boss de po post master master t-master says say you owe him dat dime and he w wouldn't I 1 J J give Kive me no stamps r SCENE 2 Editorial Editorial office of Mr Quill Mr Quill and Mr Smith Mr Quill Say Quill Say John what makes r I you so confoundedly gloomy today Mr Smith Smith Smith-Oh Oh nothing Im I'm not gloomy Mr Quill QUIll QUIll-Oh Oh come now theres there's no use telling me that I know better better j Youve You've been moping around here all morning Come why hy not tell me y your Ur Ii little trouble Printers Printer's Devil poking his head t the Mr Smith through e door Hey i l I I i Dont Don't d do it Tell your r tro troubles bles to to 1 a throwing throwing oVing a an in ink bottle bottle Mr Quill Quill at him Confound that devil Hes He's always listening at that door But seriously my boy what is ailing you Haven't we been friends and workers co-workers long enough that you should let me know Mr Smith Well Smith Well Ben I will tell you As you know Ive I've been courting Sir Theos Theo's Miss Tee My rival is as you also know Mr Hunter Mr Quill Yes Quill Yes confound his flattering flattering flatter flatter- ing tongue Mr Smith Smith Smith-As As you know Ben I am very plain If I lean cant can't t get the girl by honest honest iI words why t then en Ill I'll no not get her at all Hunter oh Hunter oh well I dont don't care to say anything against him Mr Quill Quill That's That's the way to talk old ld I man lan if you love the girl why go in into into into to win win rn but buttell tell her just what what yo you think an and d in the end end shell she'll think more of you for it ii M Mr Smith Probably Smith Smith Smith-Pr Probably bably so But you see see Ben she is well is-well well a little susceptible susceptible susceptible tible to this fla flattery ery and that's what is going to beat me Mr Quill Quill Quill-Ah Ah no my boy never Now you just cheer up leave a little of this business to me Im I'm glad you told v m me of it very glad Here cheer up G Go down to the Blank Hotel Hotel and arid interview inter interview interview inter inter- view that statesman who came ame last night Smith Smith All All All right Exit Mr Quill Quill Quill-I'm Im I'm sorry for the poor boy I I remember I was once in love myself and just fust such sucha a man lan a as Mr Hunter didn't Hunter didn't beat me me Sits down and w writes ites The Bugle is ever willing willingto to do what is just right and therefore we retract all we said in yesterday issue issue- concerning our neighbor s Sir Theo Mann tie He is a gentleman n in every respect and we regret very much that circumstances were ever such such as to 1 j I lead us us s to tb form such an ari opinion of him him m 1 tr r t 4 r as we expressed W We humbly beg beg- t the e gentleman's pardon There That will h help lp towa toward d furthering further further- furthering ing Johns John's suit It does hurt me a little though to have to take back the truth uth about that old fogy Enter Sir Theo Mr Quill Quill Quill-Ah Ah morning good-morning Sir Theo Just take a seat Ill I'll be through in a minute Continues writing Sir Theo Mann Dear Sir I regret very much that such an editorial should have appeared as our last issue contains It was a gross and I fear irretrievable error on my part Mr John Smith who as you know is my as assistant has been the means of directly correcting my y mistake He wishes me to say nothing to you of his interference but I feel it to be only justice to him and you to inform you correctly in regard to the matter Hoping the editorial retraction our next issue will be sufficiently ample I am Yours Y our Respectfully Respect- Respect Respectfully Respectfully fully BEN QUILL Seals and addresses Turning addresses Turning to Sir Sir- Theo And now Sir Theo I can well imagine your mission mission- Sir Theo Theo Sir Sir I came to force you to retract your infamous statements statements- Mr Quill Sir QUIll Sir Theo I am pleased to say I have already taken steps to fully retract all my statements Sir Theo Theo cooling cooling down down down-Ah Ah Thatis That is good Why you ever did such athing a a- thing thing |