OCR Text |
Show B 'v"'iB"pPBf " "JWBBMMBH, "iPrWBiPWJHPBBBBIIBSBWBBBWBIPPlJBBSBBW ?FJbmm vltfiK wmJr&: Tender. They fanned the chieftain -with a palm branch, for the day was hot, and ho had eaten heavily. "What kind of a minister," he asked, "waB that we had for dinner?" Tho court fool, Jingling with his bolls, roplied: "Prlmo minister, sire." Philadelphia Philadel-phia Bulletin. Placing Him. "Yes, he's a quarter-back in col-lego." col-lego." "That's football, isn't It?" "Yes, quarter-back is football." "What is ho in his studies?" "Oh, he's away back In them." Houston Post. A Brave Man. "Do you seo that little man over there In tho blue suit?" "Yes, what about him?" "Bravest man In .own." "Ho doesn't look It. What has he done?" " 'Had the coiir'ufef.t.onlt on.tho porch Injil's shi'V Bleevos on-ono of-the of-the most fashionable streets in the city." Cleveland Plain Dealer. Congratulations with a Stlng. First fond mamma (whoso hopes have lately been dashed) "Our heartiest hearti-est congratulations on dear Violet's engagement, Mrs. Hookham." Second fond mamma (whoso hores have been realized) "Thank you. Wo aro delighted. Capt. Norton Is such a charming fellow." First fond mamma "Yes, and so self-sacrificing." Not Mean to, the Postmistress. "Here's a postal card for you, miss," said the village postmistress. "A postal card!" exclaimed tho village vil-lage bollo. "Who's been moan enough to end mo Information on a postal card?" "I think he'd been mean if ho'd put tho information in a scaled envelopo so I couldn't havo read It." YonkerB Statesman. Misunderstood. She "I told you I was going to paint those porch chairs to-day and 1 asked you to go over to our neighbor's and borrow somo paint." He "Yes, and I went over and asked for somo paint" "Woll, whoro is it?" "Oh, tho woman over thoro said thoy had no paint that would go with your face." Changed His Mind. Crlttlck I saw Nuritch looking at ono of your paintings tho other day. D'Aubor Ah! I'm glad of that. Ho intimated to mo that ho might havo something for mo to do Crlttlck Yes, while- ho was looking nt It he told mo ho had intondod to lot you paint his hack fonco, "but ho didn't think he would now. Naming No Names. "I'm glad I donU Hvo In Germany right now," said tho man who was trying to occupy three seats nt onco in tho streot car. "I'm afraid of cholera." chol-era." "No doubt j on are' said his neighbor, neigh-bor, savagely. "I know a farmer who had a whole drovodlo of It tho other day," Cleveland I.oador. Shrewd Barber. "That barber seems to bo doing a rushing business." "Yes. Ho has Invented a hair tonic that smells exactly like gasollno." "But or 1 don't sco the point." "It tickles tho vanity of his patrons. They go around smelling of gnsolino and this gives tho impression that thoy own automobile " i A. ) , A Saving Clause. "No, madam," said the houseownor, "I cannot let you havo tho houso on account of tho llltlo boy." "But," explained tho woman, "wo don't want to movo In. until after tho Fourth of July, and then wo won't havo tho boy." This, of course, had not occured to tho houseowner. Like Ma Made for Pa. "Our John's wife," said John's father, fa-ther, "Is too easy with him. Sho'a too ready to make oxcusos for him." "Woll," remarked John's mother, significantly, "John can't say truthfully truthful-ly that they're not Mike mother used to make.' " PROFITABLE. Doctor My friend, you must profit by advice. Patient I would If I got two dollars a visit for giving it, llko ypu d6. Echo-Like. "Eckort's wife is very strong-minded, you know, and she alwayB calls Eckcrt 'Echo.' " "I seo. He Just repeats tho things sho saysy eh?" "Not only that, but sho wants to lm-,prcBBj,onaUm,1UintAho's,,aoLfto lm-,prcBBj,onaUm,1UintAho's,,aoLfto apeak, 'until no's spoKerfto." " ' A Frank Admission. "I used your hair renewor and now look nt me." "Did you take It Internally or externally?" ex-ternally?" "Can It bo used cither way?" "Certainly. It doesn't mnko a hair's difference which way you use It." Not Too Hard. "Rather hard to loso yourfdaughtor, oh?" said tho guest at tho wedding. "No," roplied tho bride's fnther; "It did look as If It was going to bo hard at ono time, but she finally landed this fellow Just ns we were giving up all hope." Philadelphia Ledger. Suspicious. "But, Rosa, If you havo no talont for painting, why not tako up chemistry?" "Impossible, papa. Tho other members mem-bers of tho Emancipated club would think I was trying to lenrn cooking In a roundabout way." Meggendorfor Blatter. I Where Wealth Takes Second Place. "There is ono thing about our waning wan-ing democracy that greatly pleases mo." "And what is that?" "It Is tho fact that when It comeH to giving a girl a seat In a street car tho pretty girl has tho call over tho t merely rich girl every time." j i ji Insult Piled on Injury. ' "Why am I gloomy?" demanded tho undesirable admirer, to whom sho j had given tho cut dlroct. "Isn't it I enough to make ono gloomy to bo cut ' by tho one ho loves best?" J "Tho Idea!" oxclalmed the heartless i girl, "I didn't even know Unit you J shaved yourself." j " Not to Be Disturbed. j Quoery You're got a Morris chair at your houso, I suppose. j Henpeck Oh, yes. f Queery They're great, I think. Don't you enjoy It? j Henpeck I do, when I get a chance, but Henrietta's cat usually gets thoro . beforo me. He Stayed Up. Father Robert, Is it not about j time thnt little boys were In bed? B Robert (aged C, carelessly glancing at his watch) Really, father, I must bo oxcused from venturing an opinion. opin-ion. It is a subject In which I havo little Interest; I havo no llttlo boys, you know. It Was the Tone of Voice. 4j "What'B Maude crying about now?" "Oh, she asked her husband if ho would marry again In case she died and ho declared that ho wouldn't." "Well, nothing wrong about that." jg "No; but you should have heard I him say it." I Not Quite Finished. I "Groathead's a friend of mlno. n He's Invented a flying muchino you ' . MS know." y "Indeed! Has he given it a prac- fl tlcal test yet?" jH ''OhV'nblMho'aftalluWalivcV-' Cnthollc-T -"""W3 Standard. It An Important Exception. , M "Helen has n rather unpleasant dls- ' I position, hasn't sho?" I "Well, I've never known her to say I a good word for any of hor acquaint- I ances, with ono oxcepti " m "And that was." I "Herself." 1 Caught. "Now, my dear sir," said Dr. Vox, "I can't euro you unless you promlso to "" do everything I tell you." 'All right," said Skinner, "I promlso." prom-lso." "Good! Now, first of all, pay mo my last year's bill." Well, Hardly. Magistrate You say you stole the crabs becauso your family was starving; starv-ing; yet I havo been given to understand under-stand thnt you keep three dogs. Prisoner Yes, your Honor, sir; but I couldn't ask my family to oat dog meat, sir. SOMEONE LEFT. , - "Mario married him in epito of great opposition, didn't she," " jf "Yes. If she's unhappy, she'll havo no pno to blamo but herself." 1 "Why? What's tho matter with her blaming him?" . , , . - m i )' I |