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Show JBBfli - , i , ii i , vm His Only Relief. , A couplo of spectators on the golf links wero amused by tho antics of ono of the players, who was waving his nrms about like a windmill In a fit. There was some slight wagering as to tho cause of his strange conduct, ono section favoring tho Idea of a" sudden attack of toothache, and another that of St. Vitus' dance, accentuated ac-centuated by a wasp sting. A caddie was approached, and whlsperlngly asked for an explanation. explana-tion. Tho boy burst out laughing. "You needn't whisper," ho said; "he wouldn't hear yo If you was to flro off a helghty-ono ton gun. Ho ain't got nothlnk tho matter with him. He's deaf and dumb, and that's tho only way ho's got of swearln'." Making 8urc. It is customary in the cheaper classes of Gorman inns to substitute chicory for coffee. Bismarck was awaro of this, so ono day when ho camo to a small inn, after a long journey, ho sat down and called tho Innkeeper to him. "Havo you any chicory?" said he. "Yes, sir," said tho Innkedper. "Well, bring nil you hae hero to me," ordered Bismarck. The Innkcepor was gone a few minutes, nnd returned with an immense im-mense armful of chicory. "Is this all tho chicory you have in tho house?" asked Bismarck. "Yes all." "Well, then," said Bismarck, "leave this chicory hero and make mo a cup of coffee." THOUGHT A GREAT DEAL OF HIMSELF. He There Is nothing pleasanter than to talk to the one you lovo best. " She How awfully tired you must got of talking to yourself! Calming Him. Tho other day a careless mason dropped a brick ftom tho second story of a building on which ho was at work. Leaning over tho wall and looking down, ho saw a respectable citizen 'ilth hlalhnt jammed oVer his. oyes. 7o mason, In tones of appro-henslon appro-henslon sited: ' "Did tho brick hit any ono down thoro?" ' Tho citizen, with great difficulty extricating ex-tricating himself from the extinguisher extinguish-er into which his hat had been transformed, trans-formed, replied, with considerable warmth: "Yes, sir, it did; it hit mo." "That's right," oxclalmod tho mason in tones of undisguised ndmlratlon. "Noble man! I would rather havo was tod a thousand bricks than have you tell me a He about It." Evchange. Not In Business Now. "After I had seen all tho historic spots In New York city," remarked a Westerner, "I began looking up tho places of interest near by. Ono day my wife and I went over to Weohaw-kon Weohaw-kon for tho purposo of visiting tho spot whero Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr fought their duel. After loavlng the ferry I accosted a native thus: "'Would you bo so kind as to tell mo whero Hamilton and Burr had tholr famous quarrel?' " 'Wal, now, let mo see,' replied tho Jorsoyite, 'that's tho firm thot was blastln' out tho Palisades, wasn't it.' Wal. thoy ain't quarryin' hero no more ain't hen hoto for somo time back!'" Argumentum ad Hornlnem. Tho conversation had become slightly slight-ly personal. "You lunkhead!" oxclnimed tho man with tho rotund face.- "If yoli had any conception or tho properties of matter you would know that it has nil tho characteristics of what wo call mind. Matter, sir, thinks! It thinks!" "I wonder," snoitqd tho othor man, ."what the rest of ypur faco thinks of that big red now of yours!" A Great Light Bre'nks. Prosor "Your filGnd Bhrrott Is dead." Pooti "ImpoBBiblol Whj-I was at his roqms last night ttjfullng my latost poom to him " , , f j Pruior "Come along with mo to Uio inquest then Tli corpnor is still in tho dark an to what CnuSQd thnt Sudden relapse " cjviand Lender. i"; His Pfea. Magistrate- ' How, thon, prisgnor, whnt have ou to any for yourself?" Prisoner--wvn V I dono nI-mlttnnco nI-mlttnnco de h- &fnll dill's IJOn totlcntod hkIh , jodgo, but I Jos' nntoholly hop. ,i, yo- S gwlno to be onsy wlf me, kbr byar o' Is a mercenary mer-cenary gem an Philadelphia Press ' His Wife at Another Resort. Nordy "Gaydog Is a devoted husband. hus-band. Every Friday ho drops business, busi-ness, buys a lot or candy and stuff that women like and runs down to the seashore and stays until Monday. His Wife, ought to bo-proud -of him." Butts "Oh,' I don't know. His wife Is In the mountains." Louisville Courier-Journal. Moving Cheese. "Will you start the cheese this way, pleaso?" said the thin boarder at dinner. din-ner. "It's not time for cheese yet," said tho fat boarder. "No, but if you start it now it will probably get horo by tho timo I'm ready for It." Yonkers Statesman. An Award for the Frame. "I nm glad you saw my painting," said D'Auber. "I tell you I am proud of that honor." "What honor?" inquired Dumloy. "Didn't you soo tho label, 'honorablo mention' on it?" "Not on your painting. Thnt was on tho frame." Sketch. Such a foolish Question. Mrs. Neurlch My husband bought a lovely ocean lnndscnpo yesterday. Mrs. Neighbors Indeed! Is it an oil or wnter color? Mrs Neurlch Water, of course. Didn't I just sny it was an ocenn landscape? The Wide Margin of Doubt. "Thoy patd him a big salary, didn't they' "Thnt's what ho said." Cleveland Plain Dealer. Unfortunate for Spoonall. I "Want to marry my daughter, do I you?" said tho financial magnate, l wheeling around in, his chair. 1 I "Wh-who said so?" gasped tho ; I young man. , I "Aro you not young Spoonall?" - I "No, sir; my namo's Simpson. I'vo w I como to bring back n suit of clothes I wo Ironed for you this morning." I "O, I see. Put tho bundle on that I chair. Good afternoon." I Tho magnate looked at his watch I and turned to his desk. B Presently tho door opened ngaln. fl "Well, what Is It now?" ho asked. B "Do you want tho pay for Ironing B those clothes?" B "N-no, sir," said nn embarrassed voico behind him. "I'm Mr. Spoonall. . fl I camo horo according to appoint " wfl "Five minutes late, young man. 'fl Good afternoon." fl The Terrible Wretch.' ' "Why, Mabel, dear, what is tho mat- ter?" cried tho tearful bride's mother. ,H "Tell mo all about it. Don't keep Afl back a thing, darling. What has th . fl bruto been doing?" 'fl "When I wanted him to lock tho fl windows last night ho said there was I nothing but mo for burglars to to fl c-c-carry away, and be wasn't at all fl afraid. Boo-hoo-hoo!" fl BH Had a Personal Reason. Bj "Is it possible," queried tho for- fl oignor, "that women work in cigar H factories In this country?" B "Yes; In somo or them," answered B tho native. "Why shouldn't thoy?" B "For this reason, among othors," fl said tho forclgnor, sadly exhibiting a I rusty hairpin he had extracted from n I cigar of tho "Best in tho Univorso" I brand. I Helping Him. I Jack Tlmmld Congratulato mef I May has accepted I Cousin Kate Of course. I told you I I'd help you after sho refused you tho I last time. I Jack Tlmmld Oh, did you put In jt I good word for mo? fa J Cousin Knte Several. W-1initof,tCi2a--v " to Mny that I was after you myBolf-X , -A t Inertia. The City Boarder Things aro mo- l notonous here. I look out across tho h cornfield and that awful scarecrow is ' always standing motionless In tho I Bamo place. If it's not taken awny I'll go crazy!" ' Farmer Foddershucks That ain't no senrecrow, ma'am. That there's . tho hired man. Cleveland Leader. S t How Amelia Plays. Afternoon callers at tho homo of l Mrs. Dupllsso had Just been favored 1 with nn organ selection by thnt lady's young daughtor. "Yes, Amelia piny ver good," said j, tho hostess, In acknowledgment of tho company's pralso. "Amelia, sho novor f took no lesson, noldor; sho play entirely en-tirely wit hor ears." Judge. ' He's "It." Rabid Scientist Do you mean to tell mo that you don't bolievo ono lota or my theory or evolution? Dub-at-ScIcnco Oh, no not exactly. exact-ly. What I mean to say Is that aftor hearing you talk I'vo decidod that Darwin Dar-win is 'way off! Tho link Isn't missing miss-ing at all! Detroit Frco Press. . In a Few Years. Tho Guest Walter, you may bring . , mo a lobster salad. Tho Waiter Yes, sir! with real lobster lob-ster or lobstcrino? Puck. THE REASON. Customor-Thnt hair tonic jou sold mo Is a humbug. You guaranteed it to restore hair aftor cvorythlng else failed. ' Bni bar Well, maybo you didn't try cvorythlng eho. I 1 |