OCR Text |
Show OLD SI'S TEN-GUN BATTERY Was a Whopper, but When He Trifled With Nature He Brought on Two Cyclones. "There never was a more pcruics slc ciittei lled than mj uncle oil Jnbc7 1'oneset" rem irked Parmer I.'jia Hilcr, to the corner-grocer cum en tlon. -Nnry a new thins Kot a-pnst Uncle Jabe He'd lMVe n nitter nt It whether It was n Iljln' nmhliie oi tin Htest wrinkle In the. higher crllh Ism .i,i?i ,.""..Il.,,,e foQl squand the circle Uncle Jahe'd cet to woik lleurln' how he could tuin his ten-acie lot Into i1 ,nre Hack and not leave no lorners lianRln' ner, and he hadn't mori'n read nbout appendicitis when he cot a pain under his h'pendci buckle that wouldn't Blip unv till he took It to the city hospital hos-pital fer a operntlon "They lind the old boy's appendix linngln' on the lino next da Wn'nt nothln' limns with It. hut Uncle Jabo said he una, better olT without it anyway. any-way. 'Inns onlj tttra welRht, he unld, nn' ome day it wanderln' Kerm would haie crawled Into It an' then lt'd have been nil day with Uncle Jabe "Across the lallej fiom Uncle Jabe Hied old HI Ileezle. PI was nbout a hundtrd. mote or less, but he was a lliely old bird, an' up to date. hj old SI wns so up In date he used to (Hke In n dally newspaper Ho wns the only man ln fluckiloo county who could keep In sight of Uncle Jabez Uoneset for peri?reslie-ness. peri?reslie-ness. Mostly It wns n prelt tight race bitween "em If one got nhead of the other any way, the beaten one'd slink arnun like n licked cur till he could get even "Why, after Uncle Jnbez put a lln keel Into his twelve-foot, flat-bottom row boat that he speared eels from, old SI lost ten pound of weight, And It Just sent Uncle Jabe to bed when SI had one o' them jello-foer mosquitoes mosqui-toes sent him from L'uby, nn' kept the critter In n box fer tho neighbors to look nt "Honors had been pretty ensy up to last summer. 'Ihen Uncle Jabe got a pamphlet In the mall that made him skip Ilka n cat In a rntnlp bed It wns from the United States Agricultural Agricultu-ral department and told about brlngln' rain by shootln off n new-fangled enn-non enn-non "This cannon wns a kind nf stationary station-ary blunderbuss You pointed hei nt the sk nnd filled her up with a powder pow-der nnd blazed away for n while, and pretty soon the clouds would begin to come up, and there'd be a nice, hard shower "'Just what Pie lieen wnntln', sns my uncle 'My melons needs a little weltln',' he sajs 'I can make one o' them things as ensy as fryln' Inrd out of a pig.' He could too, for be was real handy nbout carpenterln' and such like, 'III muke one today,' he sajs. nn' If this pernickety clear weather lasts 111 n id up toniorron,' he sns. an' shoot n showir nut of the c lenr sk Herkln 1 II surpris. that old fOB, SI lleeU some ' 'While hi ns liulldln' his tain gun old SI llcczio aciost th" inllej was purtj busj Some fellei had sent him a pamphlet on weaihei inikln' Majb tuis the same filler lint sent t in le Jabo bls'n " Tentnrnte, old Si's pimphlet described de-scribed n cntinoii that folks In Itnl had been uln' in spoil hillMorins They planted their batteries toward where the storm was expected an' Hied nt the clouds until they Jutt niiturnll busted nnd let down the rnln ni hall, or what-cier what-cier It was "'Suits me,' sas old PI 'M grapes Is doln' lino this nice, shlnj neither. I II Just ret out a fen of them artillery artil-lery mer back on the west hill, an' tho next cloud that shows Its nose there III shoot the stiitlln out ot It Wonder Won-der what old Ptlck-ln-the-mud, Jabez Iloneset 'II think nf that for a twin-tleth-century notion,' he snjs "There wasn't nothln' small nbout his way nf doln' things. While he wns nt It he made ten of them cannons an' planted 'cm oier on the hill to the westward It cost him u lot of ponder to load 'em up, but he nns nell off anjhow, he neier 'gru lged money to enrry out a ncw-fnngled Idee 'So there was Un-lo Jibe's rnln-per-ilucln" gunpowder outllt on one hillside, hill-side, an, not more'n n mile nnay on the oppoilie hill, old SI Ileezle's bit-tery bit-tery of storm busters, an' neither of "em know In' nn thing nbout Ihe other. "Next mornln' came an' not a cloud In the blue. Uncle Jnhc7 sl?ed up-lhe situation, an' sajs he to the patch on the lef knee 'Here's where we produce pro-duce some weather,' sajs he 'Thet Is, If there's any weather within shuollii' distance. As pants the heart fer cool-In' cool-In' streams,' sis Uncle Jabez. quolln' hjmti tunes, "so pants my melons for a likely shower, un' I'm nolo' In filch 'em one oi proe tho agricultural go-ernment go-ernment of there United States n plumb inn, i.ii)n lie', "Accordingly he unllmhered his weather battery nnd fired n bunch of salutes In the face of the laultln' heniens. It so h ippened tint SI Ileezlo was In town that day nn' heard the pereeedlns '"Whit In larnntlon's thot racket?' bo snis "'Thet?' snjs Joshua Mnnnls 'Oh. I reckon thet's Jsbez lloocset ilntn' a leette gunnery When 1 was drliln' annst I ri en him londln' uu some queer-Ioolclu' guns "'Jabez noncset, he 7' sus SI Ileezle chueklln tit In bi.sl n rlli 'I Irln' of guns, hej ? S pose hi 's Just waked up nn' thinks its Independence il iv 'lints J 1st nbout how up-to-date rid Jabe Is,' sas SI Ileezle. Ilee-zle. nmushi' himself nlmnst to dentil 'In he nlkis to tho tniern to haie a couple of nips on It nnd when ho comes nut thele leas a inhehta prnmlsin'-lookln' I sill SI 'll the treat bob tailed strinMte-bugs strinMte-bugs nnis hi SI pi hint himself on his iiitit!iaii,t of tivw cuss words, wbellur illiiKiuiiil slralilht in klll eorin-le.1- lliats n trnnd llllellllun Hint eloinl-biisiii eloinl-biisiii of mine I II mi lie a I, iter lo lhe Hin kill. ii. Count W honperlno he sais. In praise of tie Hulled Stoles Aiweriill-tiirnl Aiweriill-tiirnl deimitnienl rlsht now Ant while 1 ni doln II he sins I II nntih oil for moio stnrin for lint one mine up mlght Oier on hi. hlllinii Pink Jnbez Hone-set Hone-set wis might) ill.gustnl because Hie rntnsturm tied conj tred up neicr rest tied th. hum plate Nalurill), he henrd Sis hiilttr operatln but he illdn t IlKiiro cm tint nmoiuitin to anything lint did mrriiioiaik sots he usln' a wind which hod Just dug one of a medical med-ical work he s probntly out shootln mn-itultoos mn-itultoos tiistiad of pnlsonln em lo death with knilosine which Is Iho 1'OrnlCf-Uo wa I in s irrj for him he sns lo-iinrion lo-iinrion 111 an up a rnbist inn th it II illscoortiKc his shootln' and sine him pow- So next das he loaded up nnd perduced nn ntle budied cloud nhli h HI Iteezlo on his hill limnejlll) performed Pmle Jn-bes Jn-bes tried nnother SI mnile a biills-ese fncle Jabiz tiiuuod out two storms, nnrtliwrst and southwest SI did n double, luirmled trlik and both of 'em died In-side In-side the bound trie 111 Ibis tlmu the Uonesot blood wns nil an I Ihe Hum set siisplilons wis roiisiil Uncle Jabez collected all his amhlllon. started u halr-iloziii storms nn th.lr enroll en-roll nf destruction and llnillv landed one or cm our tlie inlles, while RI wns doln" large! practice on Iho ri si Thus II Imp. ptnod thet Jabex's sphere of Intlooence and His ranee of nctlou ocirlinp.d nnd Ihclr weather guns crossiit each other's piths .Now, sou can monker with nature Juit so far and then sho breaks loose and rips things, nnd what lMpened Ihls lime wns that the high prismiro nnd low pressure got fatalls mixed, nnd one able-bodied able-bodied estrone started down His hill nnd mot another able-budlod isclnno from John Jo-hn .lei nil in lloln unnble to remain behind, SI went along with his ticlone nnd Jabez accompanied accom-panied his lnlk nliout i porkesslienos.l a I Slid before, both At tho old men was pergesslce but Hies net or pergessed lint fist lieforo or since I lrt thing ellher nf em knew Ihcs wns buttln' liends like two nil rums in tho bottom of the tallos Then sass Jatiez Iloneset to SI Ileezle' " Did sou shoot up my storm?' " Was thet sour storm'' sass SI "'It cerlalnls was' said Jiboz I brung It to In lp mv melons, lie siss 'Us a twentieth renttirs notion that sou'll learn if sou Hie ten sears more, mis be' "'An' sou nettr took Ihought of my grapes ' siss SI "An obi fogs like sou got no business raisin' grains, sass ms Uncle Jnhoz, 'unless 'un-less he knows how In period 'im "'I guess I can look after a grnpo or two,' sass SI as long as I got my storm-biistln' storm-biistln' mounts It's u sclonlltle noselts,' lie siss, -11111 sou nn riu-tnirmmy nir the n st of the mummies icln't onto set ' Then sou done It,' sijs Jabez sers' "'I did thot,' sass SI quite independent, '"III hand sou a corkscrew punch, snss Jnbez " 'And I II Inn sour solo Pegasus till sou couliln t till It from a last sears tometter can' sass HI With that they went at It The llrst pair of cselones was bad enough, but they was summer zephsra compared to the article ar-ticle tort the combined llhlltlu' powers of ms Uncle Jnbez llonoret and old HI Ileezle Ilee-zle turned out After half an hour of II Jnbez was lyln' with his feet In the crook nnd SI was lopped up against n tree " SI,' sass Jnbez, 'aro you licked?' " I iliinno,' siss SI 'Are sou?' "No1 suss Jabez, -hut I'd halo to be nns nenrer It thin I nm ' So would I.' sais SI 'Halo sou got any good new, warranted pas-tent liniments lini-ments that sou could recommend?' " i'le s, it em, plenty of em' sass Jabez, Ja-bez, but I eouliu't lecommend 'em What 1 pine for Is some good, old-fashioned nr-nloki nr-nloki " 'And a nip of last centitrs's whlsksV sits SI " 'lllght sou nre.' snss Jabez. 'Old things is best ns the pome has It This mad rite for siipre euurs Is getllli' too fist for me,' he sals 'lllght hero and l ow I climb down off the ntllormohecl nn' Hie Hie life of n silf-respectln' nn' moss-con moss-con red gravestone from now on,' ho siys " 'Simii here, sass Hi, and they shook hands on It amid tho ruin nf their con-lllcllug con-lllcllug storms "And from Hint day on," concluded Parmer Uzri lliter eirnostly, 'there has not lieen n more quiet, peaceful old fogs, nonpircesslio locullts In the world than thel pnrt of lluckaliio counts' whets my I'ncle Jnbez Iloneset and old SI Ileezle coiiibltiid and licked the eternal sks lights nut of n lis In' machine min only 1 ist week for Usln' to Hs.111 on nm of lhefr hilltops" Chicago Inler-Otean |