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Show RIGHT PLACE; WRONG TANK. I WHAT'S THE USE? "My dear," said Mr. Scadson, "these reckless expenditures of yours must cease." "To what do you refer?" nsked Mrs. Scadson. "Well, for Instance, that fnr cont you m are wearing. According to this bill It cost eight hundred dollars." "Men never do appreciate what women wom-en do for them," replied Mrs. Scadson, on the verge of tears. "For a whole week I fought the temptation to buy another coat I liked better, priced nine hundred and fifty dollars, and finally took this one because I wanted to save you money." Natural Deduction. "That woman," said Xlerlock Shomes, the great detective, "has evidently evi-dently heard that lemon juice is good for the complexion." '"Cause why?" asked old Dock Watson. Wat-son. "She has such a sour-looking face," replied the g. d. "But as a rule, women have better complexions than men." "Naturally," commented the pill peddler. - " "No, artificially," snapped Shomesi. Excessive Moisture. "I see where a judge wants to be relieved re-lieved of his duties In a domestic relations rela-tions court." "What's the trouble?" "He says it's making his rheumatism worse." "I don't understand." "So many tears are shed In his court that the atmosphere Is nearly always damp." INFORMATION WANTED. "1 went into that high-toned Turkish bath establishment, up on 'Steenth street, last night." "Ha I ha 1 I'll bet you got stung." "No. I got soaked." One Point of View. "What is love?" she asked, And replied a bachelor bold: "By it a woman's often bought, And by it a man is sold." The Reporter Scores. Senator Treacle Did you tell that reporter I had nothing to say? Servant Yes sir. Senator Treacle I suppose he was very much disappointed. Servant I hardly know, sir. He said he was fully aware that you never said anything, but was under the Impression Im-pression that you never missed an opportunity to talk. Those Dear Girls. "I was surprised to see so much paint on your face last night," said the first dear girl. "I never saw anything any-thing like it in my life." "Is that so?" exclaimed the dear girl No. 2. "Well, if you can't afford to buy a mirror of your own I'll lend you one." Deserves Drowning. "What Is the name of that song Mr. Yawper is, singing?" "It's a new sentimental ballad entitled, en-titled, 'Drifting In a Canoe With the Girl of Your Dreams. " "As a rule I am not In favor of rocking the boat, but in a case like this I think It ought to be done." Disillusioned. She seemed so modest and demure, with eyes of blue and soul so pure, that I feared to speak of earthly things, to this charming . angel with- I out wings. But at last to her there words I said : "How glorious Is yon sunset red." Then, like thunder from a cloudless sky, came her answer: "That ain't no lie." i Idle Curiosity. . "Madam," said the persuasive agent, "I have here an article that no housewife house-wife can afford to do without." Huh I" replied the sallow faced woman at the door, "I've done without so many things since I married Mr. Perkins, I'd jest natcherly like to see somefhln' I can't afford ter do without." with-out." A Stirring Effort. "Yon say the orator plunged into his speech 1" "That expresses the idea exactly. He wallowed in a sea of adjectives for 45 minutes and when he rose to the surface sur-face grammar sharps declared that the walls and ceiling of the auditorium were spattered with split infinitives." CAN'T RUN DOWN. "Say, officer, is dere any money in de p'leece bizness? 'Cause I'm thinkin' of qalttin' de newspaper sellln' game an' goin' inter somepin' else I" Very Mysterious. Interpretative dancers Are seen in every show. But what they are interpreting Nobody seems to know. Crass Criticism. "What are you playing, daughter T'- "Something from Boroffsky, father." "His health must have been poor." "No, indeed. His health was excellent, excel-lent, and he lived to be ninety years old." "Then there was no excuse forhis writing that kind of music." A Record Breaker. "I had the honor of giving breakfast break-fast to a track athlete this morning." "What do you mean?" "A tramp who swore he'd counted a million crossties." Happening of the Unexpected. "Say," called the hardware drum-mer drum-mer to the proprietor of the railway restaurant, "there's something radically radi-cally wrong with this sandwich." "Oh, I guess not," replied the boss. "Well, I guess yes," said the traveler. travel-er. "Why, the blamed thing is so soft that I actually bit a piece out of It without breaking a tooth." Rather Discouraging. "I have here, sir," began the agent, "a household necessity which I am offering of-fering for a mere song." "I'm afraid we can't make a deal," answered the stout man who was doing do-ing a little work on his lawn. "Why not, sir?" "I can't sing a note." Snarl of Envy. "Meeker's good luck seems to be coming in hunches," remarked Enpeck, as he laid aside his paper. "How's that?" queried Mrs. Enpeck. "He has just won a $5,000 suit from a man who alienated his wife's affections," affec-tions," replied Enpeck. The Woman of It. "But how do you know he loves you if he hasn't told you so?" queried the girl in the sport skirt. "Oh," replied the maid with the bargain-counter hair, "I can tell by the way he looks at me when I am not looking at him." i Free. "Vacation Is a great thing." "Don't have to watch the clock, then, eh?" "Don't even have to watch the calendar." calen-dar." Louisville Courier-Journal. Wantsit Do you know how long this bill of yours has been running? Nopay I believe It's been running now about six years, but Wantsit Say, I believe you've discovered dis-covered perpetual motion. No Laughing Matter. "I thought you would surely laugh at thatv little joke," said the alleged Aumorist, as the editor solemnly glanced over the manuscript. "Not me," replied the man behind the blue pencil. "I feel more like crying cry-ing when I meet one of my old boyhood boy-hood friends." Abundant Home Supply. "Is Bliggins susceptible to flattery?" "No. There's no chance of framing jp a compliment that his own self-es-ieeiu will n.ji have anticipated." |