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Show I A $14,000,000 AUTO KACE. Oh, ho come along in a ottomobeel, (Ho called it tho "Rosy Hereafter"), An' he told me this tale while I filled up his tanks With juice from the woll (an' ho paid mo with thanks) , An1 he told it with horrible laughter 1 "Wo had a big race," ho related to mo. "'Twas in 1911, I think, There was mo an' my car an' tho 'Yaller Despair,' AVhich was driven by Clarence Munlgummory Daro St Jos6phino Porcival Fink. "Tho stakes they is seven cold million a side, , . An' wo weighs in at nine thousand pound, An' eighty-four elephant powor apiece 3$ our cars, which is now ones with plenty o' groaso, An' with spikos on the whoels all around. "Tho rools o' this race is oggscitin' an' new Wo must cover jest four thousand mile, An' durin' tho run (which our time must be good) Wo must hit ovory movable thing that we could, An' whatovor wo hits wo must spile. "Wo has a long schedule made out for tho race h 'By which wo must 'each keep a score. Tho feller that runs down a chicken counts ono, A dog figgors two (for them canines can run;. While a cat, which is harder, is four. "Old women wo counts at ono-fifth of a p'int, Booin' - feeble and slow in their gait. With old men, at first, we don't know what to do But wo finally figgers that f o shall count two; Young women wo rookr d at eight. "Young mon they is figgerod at ton p'ints apiece, An' they're agile an' harder to kill; An' children, regardless o' color or height, Is figgored at nine if they're slaughtered outright, out-right, At seven if crippled with skill. "A horse an' a rider we reckons at twelve; At fifteen a carriage an' horse. At twenty a ambulance, empty, we'd scoro; With patients insido it is figgored as more Depends on tho pationts, o' course. "A weddin' is ninoty, provided that is, We don't miss tho groom n' tho bride. The minister figgers as ono or two more; An' ushors thoy runs up between throo an' four; Hack drivors wo reckons outside. "A ice cart is 'lovon, a water cart ton In tho scoro of this sportsmanliko ride. A poddlor is sovon, a fruit vonder eight, A trolley car seventy if up to date; An' wo Aggers tho pooplo insido. "But a funeral takes forly-nine from the scoro, For, as Claronco so aptly obsorvos: To run down a slow an' methodical hoarse Is so unsportsmanlike. I might oven say worse. It's a cinch to got on to scch ourvos.' " He stops an' ho roommates sorrowful like, Contomplatin' days thai had wont. "Ah, ha," ho said softly, "but that was a race!" Ho insertod a gold cigaroot in his face An' smiled in rom'niscont contont. "Who won that oggscitin' an' sportsmanlike race?" I asks him with intorest "who?" "I should havo," ho says. "But I didn't," says ho. "Toward tho finish my score was nino hundred H an' throo, ! Whilo his'n was eight eighty-two. H "At four milo a minute I'm pilin' along H Whon a funeral gits in my way; H Though I hollors an' hoots, an' I twists, turns, H an' loots. BJ An' doos sov'ral flip-flaps that surely was beauts, H Yet I piles tho whole thing in tho bay. H "I lost sovon million by jest flftoon p'ints; D Still my great reputation was made. H Of gontlomon chaulTours I now am the best, H For yesterday Claronce was knocked galley- H west, H An' ho sleeps now, alas I in tho shade. H "I'll tell you tho way of his sudden demise: H Ho was orowdin' along in tho night, H When ho sees a largo cart. In his sportsmanliko H play H He determines to smear it along tho highway. H But, alas I It contains dynamitol H "Them low common pooplo," he says in disgust B "For our rights ain't got no rospect. H What right had that feller to havo dynamite H Whoro Claronco could hit it? I asks you, What right? Thorn fellers had ought to bo chocked." H Then into tho "Rosy Hereafter" ho dumb, H Ho runs over father an' ono other hog, HI An' fricassees chickens an' ruins tho dog, H An' wo ain't never soon him no more. H Oh, ho come along in a otlemobool H (Ho called it tho "Rosy Hereafter"). Q An' told mo this talo whilo I filled up his tanks H With juice from tho well (.an' ho paid me in B thanks), H An' ho told it with horrible laughter! H |