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Show THE CANDIDATE. (By Joseph Smith, of St. Louis.) A candidate is an American citizen frenzledly anxious to neglect his own business for a chance to neglect that of the nation. He is as full of promises as an early spring is of blossoms; he wears a smile as wide as a pasture and as genuine as a Chefoo dispatch; he shakes a hand on the street with men he shakes a head at In the bank; and he raises his hat to ladies his wife raises her nose and eyebrows to He is solicitous aboutthe health of babies he never saw and babies he wishes he couldn't see; and while he amazes the righteous by the sudden fervor of his faith, he earns a reputation as a dead-game sport in regions where religion grows more slowly than Rockefeller's Rockefel-ler's hair. As a good citizen and unyielding reformer, re-former, he abhors corruption; but as an honest merchant, he is willing to pay for all goods that are delivered, be they steel billets or stolen ballots. bal-lots. A member of the church, he shudders at the twin curses of civilization rum and tobacco; ut as a citizen, merely in politics for his health, " subsidizes the drinking of that health early and often, and he knows no better plan of smoking smok-ing out the enemy than out-smoking him. Moreover, More-over, no good American, deeply Interested in the prosperity of American industry, can deliberately discourage two widespread agencies of wealth and expect to be accepted as a patriot. As election day approaches, his views on geography, geo-graphy, ethnology and human brotherhood broad-on broad-on and deepen. The woes of Ireland touch his heart deeply in one portion of his district; he boasts of his Anglo-Saxon origin in another. He grasps the sinewy hand of sturdy Scandinavia on Monday; he acknowledges the republic's debt to Germany on Tuesday; he believes the full glory of the nation will com, on Wednesday, only when the genius of Italy tingles in the veins of the stern Puritan; and at a union meeting in a secluded vestry on Friday, he warns his Methodist and Baptist brethren against the scum which Euro pean emigration is casting upon our secred soil ran and revered institutions. Deserving charities be HH gin to touch him acutely; he develops a passion EIH for labor picnics and dubious dances; he is fear- , &H less in stating that the battle-scarred saviours of HI the Union have' been treated with scant generosity HI by the nation; and he wants it distinctly under- SKI stood that he stands firmly for high wages, high HI tariffs, high ideals, a white man's government and IH unhampered suffrage for the colored man, peace, a AH strong navy, beef and cheap coal, no trusts and HI no government meddling with business, and no WKU matrimonial expansion in Utah. When the polls close and the mere politician Ml is elected, the candidate takes an account of stock H and finds he is twenty thousand dollars and his H reputation for truth and honesty shy; his busi- flB ness is boycotted by the indignant foreigner; he H is stigmatized as a spineless trimmer by the dis- H gusted native; the church has bounced him; hip mM wife has sued him for divorce; his doctor recom- flfl mends rest and three months at the Indiana mud- H baths, and patriotism is a snare and a gold brick. H St. Louis Mirror. H |