Show FABLES IN SLANG 1 u By GEORGE ADE rk rm f f MS M C S SC fp E I o 47 C G iii i 1 c b D Rosalie Was Fairly Dragged to the Altar by Walter HOW WEDDINGS HAVE DAVE A YE SOLD OFF OFFIT OFFIT T CAME about that during the IT past Summer Rosalie only daughter of Mr and Mrs W W. K was fairly dragged tc tc the Altar by Walter whose Father owns the furniture Factory and pays a Income Income Income In In- come Tax even if it he does hire an Expert to protect him so that on the Day when their high-grade high Offspring Offspring Offspring Off Off- spring left them forever maybe Mr and Mrs could hardly refrain from doing Jig Steps The Architect who planned tha Home had not counted oft taking care of Guests at one onetime onetime time consequently when the big Doings were pulled off about half of the Ringside Spectators were parked In n Hallways or Closets or oron oron oron on the Stairway When the Bids went out no one was overlooked because the Young People would need almost everything when they started in to furnish a large Apart Apart- ment Mr and Mrs decided to cut it wide and handsome because this would be their only chance to tomake tomake tomake make a Splash on the Society Page A Golden Gibble Gibbie I So they had a Strip of Red Carpet Carpet Carpet Car Car- CarI I pet Maiden-Hair Maiden Ferns a special I Harpist secreted behind Palms a Caterer who brought a load I of ot and a Rector who was so High Church that you couldn't unde understand stand what he said It was a Daylight Affair I 12 o'clock Central Time with everything everything everything every every- thing sped up because the Young Couple had to get the limited so as asto asto asto to catch the Boat for Europe which Rosalie rather wanted to see as she never had been east of Akron The Main Bout went off great It had been rehearsed until it was wasas wasas wasas as smooth as a Belasco First Night They had Bridesmaids who looked like festooned Marshmallows lows and terrified little Girls strewing Posies and a freshly- freshly shaven Male Body Guard in Undertaking Undertaking Undertaking Un Un- Costumes whose Collars were too tight It was a 1 regular Wedding After the two Principals had been legally welded and the rabid Assemblage was fighting for Lobster Salad and Pimento Sandwiches Sandwiches Sand Sand- of course there were all sorts of Comments mostly right out in the Open and favorable Punch Among those who were trying to last it out was a ruddy old Bachelor Bachelor Bachelor Bache Bache- lor who dated back to the Happy Days when they locked people up for discussing Birth Control but permitted them to drink Absinthe He was sitting over in a corner with two ossified Crabs who could almost remember the Mexican War and he was telling them what a Hardship it was to get up at nt Sunrise Sunrise Sunrise Sun Sun- rise in order to see some weak- weak brained Youth jump over the Precipice Preci Preci- pice Its all right if it you suffer suiTer from Insomnia said the unmarried Renegade Renegade Ren Ren- but now that I am up what am I going to do all the rest of the day Whoever invented these 12 o'clock Weddings had a swell Idea with the reverse English Walt Wait till the he Whistle blows and then hop to it t. t I am telling you that in the bygone bygone by by- bygone gone Era when Nights were not wasted on Slumber it would have been impossible to have this show at Noon At that Hour the Groom was always in a Turkish Bath trying trying trying try try- ing to get back on Earth after atter the Dinner for the Best man the Ushers Ushers Ushers Ush Ush- ers and all others who happened to tobe tobe be Je thirsty As a 1 Rule the Lads didn't come up for Air until G j P.M. P.M. P. P knew when the Ceremony Ceremony Ceremony Cere Cere- M. M tf No one mony would take place After aUthe all aU the Stragglers had answered the Roll Call then the Preacher was given the High Sign and told to shoot the Works the he Punch Have you tried asked one of the Old I suspect the Coloring Matter is Ani Ani- line I have wrapped myself around five of them hoping against Hope replied the Bachelor A Rough House Meal Things have come to a direful Pass when they got to have one Plain Clothes Man to watch the Presents and two to watch the Guests The Refreshments may contain a lot of Vitamins but they are thy shy on Mirth and Laughter No one wants to make a Speech The Bride hasn't been mussed up The Decorations remain Station Station- ary Ill I'll say the Party is a Flop In a secluded Apartment wh where re I the ladies had stacked their Wraps a well-preserved well Matron was letI letting let let- I ting off ofT Steam I I can remember said she when the Wedding Breakfast was wasa a 1 affair which lasted for Hours and all aU those present wouldn't have to eat anything for Days and Days after it was all over Instead of putting R S S. S V.P. V.P. V. V P. P on the lower Corner of the in invite invite in- in vite they should put Cafeteria Service I If you haven't trained for one of these Affairs the Chances are that by the time you get to the Trough there will be nothing left except olives Why dont don't they change the Wording she Instead Instead Instead In stead of that antiquated Apple AppleSauce AppleSauce AppleSauce Sauce about staying on the Job until until until un un- un- un I til death do us part why not I make it until we get fed up on Each other No Over Left-Over Lady you put a whole Chapter into a couple of Lines said the first Matron It seems only yesterday yesterday yesterday yes yes- when all the Folks on the Side-Lines Side were worried about the little Fawn who was going to emerge from the Sheltered Life Lite and assume the large Responsibilities ties of Life Lite Nowadays the Fawn Fawnis is just as timid as the Bengal Ti Ti- ger She has looked up his in Dun and Bradstreet and she knows to a Nickel what she can shake out of him every Year She is stage managing the whole Spectacle Spectacle Spectacle Spec Spec- and the parents are are taking Orders I If she seems Nervous it t is because she is wondering if it her Picture will show up all right inthe inthe in inthe the Papers I can even remember when the Brides used to faint All i I that is out Nowadays the Groom is the only one who looks as i if he I needed a Trained Nurse I IDid Did you hear about the Secret Ballot taken at a School for Girls Girls' I last Month asked her friend It seems that each of the Graduates was given a Questionnaire in which occurred the Query Would you Marry just for Money The Returns Returns Returns Re Re- turns showed that 99 per cent of I Ithe the Sweet Young Things answered You know It I When I married my Abner I knew that he had put his Roll into the 14 Spark Diamond and owed for the Suit in fn which he stood up but I took a Chance because I felt that his love for me was such that he could go out and get anything not spiked down We rode away in ina ina a Hired Hack and took a Day Coach to Springfield where we saw the Capitol Building and the first Electric lights When I go to a Wedding now I hear everybody asking Which one of them has the Coin It seems to be taken for granted that Nobody will tackle Matrimony unless there is enough of ot a Sinking Fund to take care of the Overhead Jn In the meantime the Caterer was packing up and he was heard to tell one of the Colored Boys that there was no longer any Salvage He said that Weddings had become such a bore that the Mob tried to eat cat itself into Forgetfulness MORAL The Usual Charge by Justice of the Peace Is 2 |