OCR Text |
Show Sat/Sun/Mon/Tues, June 27-30, 2020 A-13 The Park Record Black moms share fear, pride of raising sons in America A common refrain: ‘I worry every time they leave’ home AMY DONALDSON Deseret News LEHI — Michelle LoveDay listened to a friend’s tearful fears with the kind of aching empathy that most Black mother’s wish they didn’t understand. “Her children are 3 and 4,” Love-Day recalled. “And she was crying as she said, ‘My kids are so cute right now. We go in places, and everyone loves them, like they’re little puppy dogs. But at what age do my kids turn into a threat?’ “Then I started crying,” said Love-Day, the mother of a 19-year-old son. Love-Day, Nikki Walker, Toni Ragsdale, Stephanie Hesleph, Rita Martin, Bridget Shears and Carol Matthews Shifflett all understand this fear in their bones. In fact, when it comes to the realities of being a Black mother, especially to Black boys, no words need to pass between them to communicate the deep, unmitigated fear they carry when it comes to the risks their children must navigate in even the most mundane circumstances. In recent weeks, with the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd, the trepidation that lives in the back of their minds since those babies graduated from diapers to grade school, is now the collective horror of a country that still can’t seem to grasp the realities of the dangers they face every day. “I worry every time they leave out the door that they might not come home,” said Stephanie Hesleph, who has three sons — ages 27, 33 and 40. “I grew up fearing the police. My parents instilled that in me. But this generation, they’re different. They do not fear the police.” And that, especially for Black mothers, is both a point of pride and a terrifying realization. The mothers interviewed for this story said they know that all mothers worry about their children. They hope they choose good friends, apply themselves in school, stay away from drugs and alcohol, and avoid unnecessary physical risks. “But the uniqueness of challenges for Black mothers is that we have at least an extra layer of fear that we have to share with our children, our sons more specifically,” said Walker. “Moving from New Jersey to Utah amplified that requirement for me as a Black mother.” Walker’s Utah friends often assume that living in a Utah County suburb is much less worrisome than living in what is, at least statistically, the most diverse city in the country. “It doesn’t change anything,” Walker said of Jacob. “My son driving through downtown Jersey City gives me exactly the same type of anxiety as him driving through Utah County.” In fact, in some ways it’s more frightening. “I think about what could potentially happen if he gets pulled over driving the luxury vehicle that we drive, a young, 6-2 Black man,” she said. “Add his beautiful long (dread) locks, and that fear is so deep.” She runs through the scenarios that he might encounter, the stereotypes he might face. Would an officer believe a 22-year-old college student should be driving such a nice car? Would he wonder how he could afford the vehicle or an expensive hairdo? Would an officer or someone who might find him “suspicious” and call the police understand why a young man might choose that particular hairdo, which for him is tied to ancestry, roots and spirituality? “Moving to Utah didn’t quell my anxiety for my Black son,” Walker said. “In fact, I believe it might have exacerbated it.” The scenarios described by mother after mother echo with similarities, regardless of where the children were raised. Love-Day, an educator for 18 years who now works in the Jordan School District’s main office, recounts the time her only son, now 19, was running late for his shift at a Subway restaurant inside a Walmart near his school. “He came home and his pants were ripped, and I asked him what happened,” she said of her then-17-year-old. “He told me that he jumped the fence (around the school) and cut through a car dealership’s parking lot, so he could save time because he was running late. I literally got in his face and said, ‘I don’t care if you’re 30 minutes late, don’t you ever do that again.’ I was very aggressive about it because I was just scared for him in that moment.” Her husband sat him down and talked to him about why the color of his skin meant he couldn’t take shortcuts across people’s property. She said they had an entire ritual of checking in when he on his bike to or from work, and it included a long list of things he should not do, things his white friends did without a second thought. “It’s little things, like don’t cut across someone’s yard,” Love-Day said. “Just small things that white parents take for granted. We know we’re the only Black family around.” Being the only Black family in a neighborhood or the only Black student in a class can be painfully isolating, especially when Black children see their white friends doing things they’ve been instructed to avoid. She runs through scenarios and worries that if he’s slow to respond, police or authority figures will see it as defiance. Ragsdale, 49, said her motherly concerns for her four daughters were different than the fear she felt for her son, even though much of her anxiety was concerned with race. “With my girls it was more about fitting in, dating, getting a job, not being promoted, things people would say about them or assume about them, and hurtful things that were said to them,” she said. “With your son, you don’t know if he’s going to come home or not or if he’s going to be accused of something. Either way, your fear is that his life is shortened.” She said the weight is something every Black woman she knows carries, and they have become accustomed to just living with it. “Just like you learn to live with a limp,” Ragsdale said. “You learn to live with the pain. You know it’s not something that is going to go away. You just teach your son that he is different.” She raised her children in the Salt Lake suburb of Sandy, and she said it was difficult for her son to understand that he JUNE SPECIALS Save $500 on NeoGraft: Advanced Hair Transplant Technology! No visible scar. Fast Recovery. Minimally invasive. Virtual consults available. Saltz Hand Rejuvenation: 3 Steps to Youthful Hands! 1. IPL to remove age spots 2. Radiesse to restore volume and reduce appearance of wrinkles and veins 3. Alastin Restorative Skin Complex to refine skin texture. $1900 Call for more information! Receive a FREE Alastin Retinol with the purchase of $225 or more in Alastin products. Offer valid in office only, while supplies last. Sculpt + Tone for Summer! Save $800 on CoolSculpting + CoolTone! Questions? Call us to schedule a FREE Coolsculpting + CoolTone consult! Follow us on social media @saltzplasticsurgery 1441 Ute Blvd, Suite 140 5445 S. Highland Drive 435.655.6612 801.274.9500 Proudly advertising in the Park record since 2002 LOOKING TO EXPAND YOUR BUSINESS? Please see Mothers, A-14 INTERMOUNTAIN MORTGAGE COMPANY ONE-TIME CONSTRUCTION LOANS CONTACT THE SALES REPRESENTATIVES AT THE PARK RECORD TO ONLINE & PHONE APPOINTMENTS FOR SOCIAL DISTANCING PURPOSES. LEARN HOW ONE OF OUR WE CAN PROCESS FILES “PAPERLESSLY” THROUGH SECURE AND ENCRYPTED APPLICATION AND DOCUMENT DELIVERY. •TRUE one time close - CONSTRUCTION and LONG TERM loan •FLEXIBLE construction terms (12, 15, 18 OR 24 month terms) •LOW CLOSING COSTS, save 1 set of closing costs by only closing once •20% down, 80% LTV, $1.5mm, higher amounts on exception basis •Rate is LOCKED at time of construction, same rate for long term loan LET US TAKE THE STRESS OUT OF THE LOAN PROCESS. WE PRIDE OURSELVES IN PROFESSIONAL HIGH QUALITY SERVICE AND RESPONSE. INTERMOUNTAIN MORTGAGE COMPANY 435.649.6660 greatlender.com 2029 Sidewinder Drive, Suite 200 NMLS #74889 PRINT AND DIGITAL PACKAGES CAN GET YOUR BUSINESS NOTICED 435.649.9014 |