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Show B4 The Emery County Review, Tuesday, October 21, 2008 The FAMILY PAGE Horoscope Focus On The Family Crossword Figuratively Speaking Focus on the Family Rejected Spouse Blames Himself for Breakup of Marriage Dr. James Dobson Q When my wife left me for another man, I felt like the whole thing was my fault. I still feel that way. I had never even looked at another woman, yet here I am taking the blame for her affair. Rationally, I know I’m being very unfair to myself, but I can’t help it. Or can I? It is the typical reaction of a rejected spouse, like yourself, to take the full responsibility for the behavior of an unfaithful spouse. The wounded partner -- the person who was clearly the victim of the other’s irresponsibility -- is the one who suffers the greatest pangs of guilt and feelings of inferiority. How strange that the one who tried to hold things together in the face of obvious rejection often finds herself wondering, “How did I fail him? I just wasn’t woman enough to hold my man. I am “nothing” or he wouldn’t have left. If only I had been more exciting as a sexual partner -- I drove him to it — I wasn’t pretty enough. I didn’t deserve him in the first place.” The blame for marital disintegration A is seldom the fault of the husband or wife alone. It takes two to tangle, as they say, and there is always some measure of shared blame for a divorce. However, when one marriage partner makes up his mind to behave irresponsibly, to become involved extramaritally, or to run from his family commitments and obligations, he usually seeks to justify his behavior by magnifying the failures of his spouse. “You didn’t meet my needs, so I had to satisfy them somewhere else,” is the familiar accusation. By increasing the guilt of his partner in this way, he reduces his own culpability. For a husband or wife with low self-esteem, these charges and recriminations are accepted and internalized as indisputable facts. You must resist the temptation to take Horoscopes by Holiday Things are about to get interesting. The sun enters smoldering Scorpio this week, invigorating the collective to burn away false pretense from our lives in order to move forward with more clarity and honesty. Scorpio energy is mystical, psychologically layered and resourceful. The esoteric arts, like Wicca, tarot and astrology, belong to this sign, too. All hasten the personal transformation possible over the next four weeks. ARIES (March 21-April 19). Ruled by Mars, you’re usually impulsive, daring and dynamic. However, playing the opposite just for a few days will be extremely effective in getting what you want. There’s something so compelling about you when you’re demure, unsure and coy. Loved ones delight in the surprise of your many different tones. TAURUS (April 20-May 20). Your heart is open and your intentions good, though there are logistical obstacles that may prevent too much social connection from going on this week. You have a lot of work on your plate, and it will be hard to strike a giving mood unless you put your livelihood first. Besides, your own business will be quite fulfilling. GEMINI (May 21-June 21). Your job is to bring someone into your world, to convince them to take on your cause or champion your project. Let your intuition lead in this endeavor, and you’re brilliant. You’ll Q A But that’s a much bigger “if” than most people realize. There are some parents who find it difficult to work with their children without showing frustration over immaturity and disinterest. Furthermore, new skills should be taught at the age when they are most needed. Why invest unnecessary effort trying to teach a child to read when he has not yet learned to cross the street, tie his shoes, count to 10 or answer the telephone? If seems foolish to get panicky over preschool reading. The best policy is to provide your children with many interesting books and materials, read to them every day, and answer their questions. You can then introduce them to phonics and watch the lights go on. It’s fun if you don’t push too hard. (Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995(www.family.org). Questions and answers are excerpted from “Solid Answers” and “Bringing Up Boys,” both published by Tyndale House. Copyright 2008 James Dobson Inc. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate.) Figuratively Speaking Week of October 19 Holiday Mathis all the blame. I’m not recommending that you sit around hating the memory of your wife. Bitterness and resentment are emotional cancers that rot us from within. However, I would encourage you to examine the facts carefully. Ask yourself these questions: “Despite my many mistakes and failures in my marriage, did I value my family and try to preserve it? Did my wife decide to destroy it and then seek justification for her actions? Was I given a fair chance to resolve the areas of greatest irritation? Could I have held her even if I had made all the changes she wanted? Is it reasonable that I should hate myself for this thing that has happened?” If you examine objectively what has occurred, you might begin to see yourself as a victim of your wife’s irresponsibility rather than a worthless failure at the game of love. I’ve read that it is possible to teach 4-year-old children to read. Should I be working on this with my child? If a youngster is particularly sharp and if he or she can learn to read without feeling undue adult pressure, it would be advantageous to teach this skill. artfully construct a set of expectations in the mind of your subjects. And then people see in you exactly what they expect to see. CANCER (June 22-July 22). People who are moving at a different pace from the rest of the pack need your help. The ones who are in a rush will find that contact with you gets them centered. And you invigorate those who are feeling sluggish. It feels good to give of yourself, and there will be unexpected payoffs for your kindness. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22). You want to be liked as much as the next person, but you’re not about to go to extravagant measures to change someone’s opinion of you. Or are you? Your current situation is unique. A dollop of good will would make life easier for everyone. A big gesture from you might be warranted. Your smooth charm can’t miss. THIS WEEK’S BIRTHDAYS: Your gratitude paves the way for a year of many blessings. The next 10 weeks see you extremely motivated and fantastically lucky. Wherever possible, apply your energy to a single purpose. In November, necessity makes you brave and your relationships reflect this, deepening in profound ways. There’s a metaphoric bridge to cross in February. You may never go back, but still it’s unwise to burn it. Family receives new additions in August. Business booms in September. Continued on Page B6. John MacIntyre Source: Dice Report. 60.2: Percentage of 50: Percentage of Ameri- organizations that offer cell phones to executives as a perk, according to the Executive Compensation 2008/2009 survey conducted by Compdata Surveys. 43.8: Percentage of companies that provide laptops or home PCs. Source: Compdata Surveys. 84: Percentage of people who said they manage the stress of tough times by spending more hours with loved ones and on leisure pursuits, according to the Dice Report, the leading career Web site for technology and engineering professionals. cans who have a “loving and joyful” marriage, according to the findings of a national survey commissioned by Parade. 30: Percentage who admitted they remain married either because of financial reasons or because “it’s too much trouble to get out.” Source: Parade Magazine. 70: Percentage of renters who have always rented, according to a national survey conducted by Apartments. com. 37: Percentage who have life insurance they thought was enough, percentage of respondents who said they would need between $400,000 and $1 million. 22: Percentage who thought that $11,001 to $100,000 would be sufficient. Source: Heritage Union. 34: Percentage of Ameri- cans who say they believe in ghosts, according to a survey conducted by AP-Ipsos. 19: Percentage of Ameri- cans who say they believe in spells or witchcraft. 30: Percentage of Ameri- 21: Percentage who are tak- 35: Percentage of renters ing more time with friends, family or on hobbies. who live alone. Source: Apartments.com. cans who say they have woke up from sleep with a sense of strange presence in the room. Source: The Associated Press and Ipsos. 26: Percentage who are $235,600: Average 93: Percentage of leaders either running, walking or riding. 7: Percentage who are turning their Blackberries off and their Tivos on. been renting for 10 or more years. 23: When asked how much amount of life insurance coverage on insured husbands, according to a survey commissioned by Heritage Union. who think retaining key employees is even more important during an economic downturn than it is in a robust economy, according to a study by Personnel Decisions International. 68: Percentage of compa- nies that maintain a list of key employees who they need to retain. Source: PDI. 57: Percentage of small business owners who said that they see developing new business as their No. 1 challenge through the remainder of the year, according to the results of a survey conducted for ING Direct’s ShareBuilder 401(k). 18: Percentage who cited “access to cash” as the second greatest challenge they face. 16: Percentage who are raiding retirement accounts for cash. Source: ING Direct’s Sharebuilder 401(k). 54 million: In 1998, estimated number of people (“Cyberchondriacs”) who went online for health care information at least once, according to a Harris poll. 160 million: Number of people who did so in 2007. 4.8: Average number of times per month cyberchondriacs look for health care information. Source: Harris Interactive. Idle Thought Puzzle answers on Page B6. People of small caliber like to sit on high horses.” -- Magdalena Samozwaniec, writer (Copyright 2008 John MacIntyre Inc. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate.) |