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Show A2 The Emery County Review, Tuesday, July 8, 2008 The News Off The Beaten Path MUG SHOT D E DA Z LIGHTER SIDE Selling out for a T-Shirt James L. Davis When I was younger I did my best to be a generic person. If a person could be a flavor then I was plain. My kids will tell you that I’m still pretty plain. The only designer clothing I wore was designed by Levi-Straus. I wouldn’t wear hats with logos, I wouldn’t wear T-shirts with logos and all of my shoes came from Payless. There were a couple of reasons why I did this, the first being that I am cheap. While that may be the primary reason the reason I gave people to explain why I did not wear T-shirts with the Nike swoosh or polo shirts with that stupid little alligator that they used to have sewn on the front was because I was not a billboard for corporate America. That’s right, I was a rebel, who just happened to be cheap, which sounded a whole lot better than just saying I was cheap. I lived this way for a number of years, being a generic person in a corporate logo world, and I would walk among the corporate sellouts patting myself on the back and feeling very wise and good. And then, like most rebels with a cause, the corporate world came out with something that I thought was great and so I sold out with shockingly little regard to my previous convictions. I sold out for a T-shirt. Not just any Tshirt mind you, but a T-shirt that had been silk screened with the words Bite Me on it. I thought this was pretty much the coolest shirt ever made and so I bought one and wore it every day. I thought the shirt was cool because that is what I wanted to say to a long list of people on any given day. I was in the military at the time and couldn’t tell people to bite me because if I did so it would lead to many nasty and unpleasant things. What nasty and unpleasant things I was not entirely sure, but my drill instructor had warned me of the nasty and unpleasant things the military would do to me if I didn’t comply so many times, that I believed him completely. So the T-shirt was my way of expressing myself without actually expressing myself. I didn’t consider myself a sell-out because the message was only intended to sell T-shirts, not an entire corporation and, better yet, the message of the shirt was subversive. I was still a rebel with a cause, but I was no longer generic. I was also young and single at the time, so while I wanted to remain a rebel with a cause, I also wanted to be something other than generic. Generic people have trouble getting dates. The super cool Bite Me shirt helped in that regard as well, because one day while minding my own business an attractive young woman walked up to me, read my shirt and then bit me. I thought it was the greatest pickup line ever, but since I was a guy and I was the one being picked up, she could have come up to me, hit me over the head with a club and dragged me away by the hair and I would have been pretty happy about the whole thing. That’s one of the fundamental differences between men and women. But entering a relationship with a woman who introduces herself to you by biting you on the arm does have its share of problems. For instance, while she was young and attractive, she was also seriously unbalanced. Unfortunately it took me several months of dating to really explore, understand and become terrified by the depths of her unbalanced condition. That is one of the fundamental similarities between men and women. Both sexes are rather dense when it comes to healthy relationships. Of course with the great success of my shirt in assisting me in finding a young and attractive and unstable woman to date, it wasn’t long before I completely sold out on the whole rebel with a cause philosophy. I became a collector of T-shirts with sarcastic sayings on them. One of my favorite shirts was one that simply said in large block letters, “Stupidity is Not a Crime, So You are Free to Go.” While I liked the shirt when I first bought it, I truly grew to love it one day when a woman paused to read the shirt and then asked me if I was a police officer. I managed to keep a straight face when I said no. Barely. When I was a human resource manager my favorite sarcastic shirt proclaimed “Good Morning, Let the Stress Begin.” I believe a T-shirt so inscribed should be issued to every human resource manager in the world. But none of those shirts compare to my Bite Me shirt and not only because wearing it led to a short, tumultuous relationship with a young and attractive and unbalanced woman. I still have a small collection of T-shirts with sarcastic sayings on them, but over the years I have stopped wearing as many T-shirts because I have come to the realization that the older I get the more obvious it becomes when I wear such a T-shirt, that I may in fact need to purchase a bra. For this reason my T-shirt wearing days are limited and the T-shirts I wear today more closely resemble a tent. My Bite Me T-shirt is long gone now, which is probably for the best. If I were to wear it today the only reaction I would probably get is to have people sick their dog on me. At the Pet Show When you have a pet, there’s just nothing better than having a chance to show them off. Huntington City gave everyone a chance to do just that with its Pet Show during Heritage Days. Chuck Shepherd Lead Story China continues to prepare for the Olympics: Officials have issued a standard chanting routine that all Chinese spectators should employ during competitions (translated as “Olympics! Add fuel!” with two claps and then both thumbs up, then “China! Add fuel!” with two more claps and raised fists, according to a June Reuters dispatch). (“Add fuel” is apparently a traditional motivational chant in China.) Also preparing was Dr. Wei Sheng, the Chinese man who holds the Guinness Book record of sticking 1,790 needles in his head at one time. In June he stuck himself with 2,008 pins in the Olympic design and colors. Cultural Diversity -- Dozens of spas operate in Russia’s Caucasus Mountains region, exploiting the mineral springs in the area, and apparently colonic treatment is a specialty. In fact, in June, the Mashuk-Akva Term spa in Zheleznovodsk unveiled a large monument to the enema (an 800-pound brass syringe bulb held aloft by three angels). “Let’s beat constipation,” read one banner. Said the sculptor: “This device is eternal; it will never change. We could promote this brand, turn it into a franchise with souvenirs and awards for medical doctors.” -- The reputation of the Japanese for being humble is falling to Western norms among primary-school parents, according to a June dispatch from Tokyo in The Times of London. “Across Japan, teachers are reporting an astonishing change in the character of parents” as they push for their children’s “rights.” In one school’s performance of “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” there were 25 Snow Whites after “monster parents” bullied officials into admitting that it was not fair to have just one kid in the title role. -- His countrymen are too polite, wrote French doctor Frederic Saldmann in his new book (translated as “Spring Cleaning”) and can improve their health by uninhibitedly embracing their bodily The Duplex NEWS OF THE WEIRD functions that he said too many Frenchmen suppress. According to a May dispatch from Paris in London’s Daily Telegraph, Saldmann wrote that the intestines, stomach and esophagus benefit if gas is expelled promptly and pores freely excrete toxins. In fact, he wrote, doing away with antiperspirants also facilitates “a certain number of messages that are potentially very attractive to the opposite sex.” -- A 50-year-old woman, married for 30 years, asked for a divorce last October (according to the Al-Arabiya news Web site in Dubai) because her husband had peeked at her face under her veil as she slept. The man apologized and said he would never do it again, but she said the customs of her village (near the Saudi city of Khamis Mushayt) dictate that he had contaminated the marriage by seeing her face. Questionable Judgments -- A bus service that shuttles gamblers from Colorado Springs to nearby mountain-town casinos has been awarded $382,000 in Homeland Security anti-terrorism grants, according to a May report by the Colorado Springs Gazette. Federal officials said the grants were part of the Infrastructure Protection Activities program, with the money used for “vehicle security,” GPS systems and training drivers, which means, according to a bus company official, teaching them “to be aware of their surroundings, of what’s unusual and the people on board.” -- Officials in Chongqing, China, abruptly shut down the lifestyle magazine New Travel Weekly in May after it published a photo spread of sexy women in lingerie posing in the rubble at one of the country’s recent earthquake sites. The editorial staff was fired and the company ordered into “rectification,” which is apparently the process of self-examination of what in the world the company might have been thinking. -- You’ve Been Left Behind LLC has begun offering an email service to Christians who are preparing for the Rapture (in which all “true” Christians ascend to heaven to meet the Lord). Since the Rapture may commence suddenly, those chosen may have to depart without saying goodbye to their less worthy friends and besides will leave their property behind during the ensuing seven years before Armageddon. For $40 a year, Christians can maintain an e-mail list of up to 62 people who would be notified and can store encrypted electronic documents, such as PIN numbers and powers of attorney. “There won’t be any bodies,” the Web site warns, pointing out an advantage of its service, “so probate court (would) take (all) seven years (just) to clear your assets to your next of kin.” Fine Points of the Law -- “Everyone knows what an ankle is,” said an official of the association of Texas medical doctors. Not so, said a lawyer representing Texas podiatrists: “You don’t have an ankle. The foot actually includes the ankle.” A state appeals court in March sided with the medical doctors, but the podiatrists say it’s not over yet and that they may continue to treat ankles even though they are licensed to work only on feet. -- When the recent Midwest rains hit Wisconsin, Lake Delton overflowed and completely drained out, into the lower-lying Wisconsin River, and the owner of a Lake Delton resort filed an insurance claim for “loss of income” since guests, realizing there was no “lake,” had canceled their plans. So far, the resort’s insurer has refused to pay because the whole thing was started by uninsured “flooding,” even though the only reason for income loss is that Lake Delton is dry. People With Issues Since 2004 the Palmerton Area (Pa.) School Board has paid $45,000 for the special education of Rebecca Maykish, 17, who has an apparently devastating fear of “school,” dating back to fourth grade. The mere act of spending time in a classroom, her mother says, causes her to cry nonstop for hours. The board, acknowledging her “generalized anxiety disorder,” agreed to accommodate her illness by specially funding things broadly educational or therapeutic, and so far that includes not only tutors and software but modeling classes and travel, to build her self-esteem. The Morning Call of Allentown reported in May that, with the board’s funds depleted, and Rebecca’s continuing to drop out shortly after each school year begins, the government has begun to impose truancy fines on her mother. Least Competent People -- Not Ready for Prime Time: (1) Police quickly made an arrest in Hughes, Ark. (pop. 1,800) in May after a Pepsi machine was stolen from a liquor store; the distinct dolly tracks led from the store to the man’s home, and besides, he had left the machine in his front yard. (2) The armed robber of a Fifth Third Bank in Orlando, Fla., is still at large, but based on the surveillance video, a sheriff’s detective said the man was “probably not familiar with handguns” because he appeared to be pointing his at himself during the robbery. -- Dentist Who Hates It When That Happens: Anne Greer filed a lawsuit in June against Winter Park, Fla., dentist Wesley Meyers over the death of her father last year during procedures to secure his dentures with implants. During the October 2006 visit, Meyers had accidentally dropped a screwdriver down the patient’s throat, which required a colonoscopy to remove. The man returned the following year to give Meyers another chance (against his daughter’s wishes), and during that procedure, Meyers accidentally dropped a torque wrench down his throat, creating problems that ultimately proved fatal. The Aristocrats! (1) Shauntel Mayo, 29, was convicted in Tyler, Texas, in May of forcing four children (the youngest beginning at age 5) to perform sex acts on stage for something called the Mineola Swingers Club. Four other adults are scheduled for trial (including Patrick “Booger Red” Kelly, 41), even though Mayo’s jury deliberated only four minutes before finding her guilty. (Copyright 2008 Chuck Shepherd. Distributed by Universal Press Syndicate.) By Glenn McCoy |
