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Show HOW TO BE A SPENDTHRIFT Liam Beau M. I HEX Editor Greetings, readers. My name is Liam and I am a dandy. I am here to help you learn how to spend money like a spendthrift. Before we begin, you must learn your metonyms: you are a spendthrift, a wastrel, a profligate, a dissolute, and — dare I say it — even a losel. Love your names. Now, let's focus on valid ways to waste money. First: spend on style. A wo/man about town must by definition be a wo/man about style. After all, it is only by style that we rise above the animals and become humans. Style is when they are chasing you out of town, but everyone watching thinks you're leading a parade. Style is when you're spiraling out of control and everyone simply thinks you're twirling. Style is when you can strut while sitting. Style is everything. After all, the Mona Lisa is just a canvas when you strip the paint off it. Without good style, you're just an ape in rags. To spend on style, I would advise taking out lots of credit cards. I myself have nine (four of which are for department stores, two of which are offshore). One finds he or she will be regularly offered a chance to defer balances from one credit card to the other at 0% APR financing (that's elevated speech for, "You don't owe them extra money per month"). This is a perennial source of comfort, deferring interest. (Dandy tip: Interest does not necessarily mean that the credit card company is curious to know more about you; au contraire, it will often mean they want to take more money from you.) Now, when spending money on clothes it is important to be thrifty where it counts. For example, take flowers out of vases at restaurants to save money on boutonnieres; if father takes away your inheritance and says he'll only leave a penny to your name, then ask for the penny up front; and do try to spend as little money on food and petrol as possible. Lesson two: spend on travelling. The purpose of looking good is to be seen in exotic places. America is boring, like soccer or University Mall. I would advise going to Europe instead. It is important to do this while you are young, reader, because no one wants to hear about a "family vacation." Furthermore, wouldn't you rather see Athens in solitude than, say, with your kid who's complaining because he'd rather be at Disney Land? Travel young, for youth is very modern. Third lesson: mathematics. Forget them. They're of no use to a spendthrift. Understand that a zero is only bad if it's in your bank account and that zeros on price tags are things to be cherished, like gold stars for good behavior. This brings me to my + next two points: never check your bank account and never check the price tags. Asking how much money you have, or how much something costs, is like asking about sex: if you have to inquire about it, you aren't ready. Fourth lesson: have famous friends. It pays to have famous friends. (I, for instance, am on very amicable terms with Tyler Glenn from Neon Trees.) Famous friends help you out of pecuniary problems. Beau Brummell, the father of Dandyism, knew this axiom from the beginning, and so he befriended the Prince of England (George IV). When Brummell was in excessive debt, he'd invite his creditors to dinner; then, Beau would invite the Prince, who would exempt the Beau from all debts by telling off the creditors. Famous friends are very modern. Fifth: be fatalistic about your purchases. I have found that taking the blame for things is very unsexy. Dodging responsibility is tits moderne. Put your purchases in the hands of a higher power. Flip a coin when making purchases. If heads, buy the $990 blazer. If tails, come back tomorrow and flip again. Presumably, you shall one day toss heads, and you will then have your blazer by chance. (Contrary to what you've been told, having a say in things is very unattractive.) Here is another trick: spend $100 on a scarf. The next day, return the scarf. The $100 you regain will feel like pure profit, and so you may now spend $200 on a scarf, knowing that you really only spent $100 (because, remember, you profited $100 earlier that day via your refund). In closing, if you want to feel good about spending excessive amounts of money, the solution is usually to spend more money. Like every addictive habit, it will eventually catch up to you and require more and more to feel something; when this happens, you may feel bad about your purchases. In such situations, you of course must spend more. Do know this, though: you will not get away with it—your reckless spending will ruin you. If you're still at university (and hopefully you are because you are a young person reading this), you will absolutely want to enroll in a foreign language class (I would suggest French), because every spendthrift has — at one time or another — created such an irreparable credit score for him or herself that he or she has had to flee to continental Europe. This is the dandy's retirement, though, and one should look upon it as the coronation of a life well lived. So enjoy your retirement, charming reader, and happy spending. HEX /VII |
